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From a church newsletter:
Dear Brothers and Sisters.
I just received my copy of the latest ELCA sexuality study, and it couldn't have been more timely. You see just the other day my teenage son came home from public school and complained that all the kids down there ever want to talk about is whether or not someone has to be circumcised or not to enter into the kingdom of God. This is a serious problem. In fact, he said, it is so bad that a guy can't even get a date with a decent girl these days unless he can not only prove that he is circumcised, as well as keeping every rule and regulation of the Torah as well as the Talmud. So it is with keen interest that I read this latest report from the ELCA.
We are FREE OF THE LAW.....Film at 11:00. Yes, we are....yes, indeed, it is true. No more pencils, no more books, no more pastor's dirty looks. Yep...we can do anything we want. So I have personally decided to schedule an ADULT retreat with the young women's prayer group for next weekend.
HOWEVER, the new study is not without controversy.....
At once I became aware of a serious problem. Apparently, my Bible, as well as the Bibles of other members of my congregation have become infected with a horrible literary virus--one of the very worst--known as the the CORINTHIAN VIRUS. You see, when a Bible becomes infected with this virus, the reader is inclined to read absolutely offensive passages like 1Corinthians 5, Romans 1--or the entire Old Testament, for that matter, (except for the good parts, of course, like where David lusted just like we all do and had some great ideas on how to get away with it!) and the like. How could anybody actually believe that such drivel could for a moment be considered part of the Christian Bible?
In fact, now that we have been so enlightened by the ELCA, wouldn't it be great if Augsburg Fortress put out a NEW BIBLE VERSION that would REMOVE all those inconvenient and restrictive passages which have been infected by the CORINTHIAN VIRUS. Gee....maybe Augsburg Fortress could produce a Bible without the Old Testament....and without Romans...and the rest of Paul's letters...because Paul certainly did not understand the gospel at all....and then there is all that restrictive stuff that came out of the Council of Jerusalem in Acts....Yikes!.....and maybe take out Revelations and the letters of John, Jude, Peter, Hebrews, etc.....too.....hmmmm.....Geee.....Do you think the ELCA could put out a Bible that just had Galatians in it?
And so here we have it....and brand NEW and improved ELCA SEXUALITY STUDY.
BTW...Isn't it nifty that they put a coupon for a complementary box of Viagra and a free box of condoms between page 62 and page 63?
Those devils in the ELCA......LOL....I'm almost beginning to like them.
(signed)
Pastor DingleKopfer
The Rev. Christopher Hershman, MA, STM, DMin
Licensed Psychologist, LMFT, LPC, CAS, CGP, CFLE
The Marriage & Family Institute
923 North Brookside Road, PO Box 3303
Allentown, PA 18106-0303
610-366-7880 (Fax) 610-366-1960
verbum dei manet in aeternum
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