I want to introduce you to Lucy and Ricky. They are real people that live across the street from me. I named her Lucy cuz that's how she acts, so I figured I'd call him Ricky. It kinda fits. Now Ricky is a tall, well-built guy, an electronic tech. Smart guy, very capable, and he owns every tool you can imagine. Cool to have a neighbor like that closeby when you need something. It's like having a free pass at the rental yard.

Lucy is what you'd expect from her name. Though a brunette, she's forever scheming and sometimes getting caught. Although good-hearted, she has a very immature sense of humor and loves practical jokes, as long as they're played on someone else.

Now Ricky drives a 4 cyl. car, and has a good distance to travel to work every day. From some dark and demented recess of her mind, Lucy decided to play a little joke on him. She started siphoning gas from his car every night after he was asleep. Not a lot, mind you. Just a gallon or so, every night.

After a few days of this (this woman is persistent!), Ricky starts complaining to her that the car was really getting bad mileage. Used to be 25, now was down to around 15. Of course, this was her cue to increase her siphoning. His mileage dropped to 10! He told her he had to tune the car up. Picture Lucy grinning to herself as Ricky toiled away at his car, trying to find out what happened to the mileage. After much effort, he announced that the car seemed to be running fine.

The next night, Lucy started adding gas to his tank. Again, just a gallon or so, but Ricky came home beaming! The car's getting 30 mpg, he told her! Of course, this wasn't enough for Lucy. She added a little more, then a little more, and soon he was scratching his head, telling her he can't believe the car's getting 50 mpg! Imagine her expression as she shared his success!

She finally tired of her games and stopped, but never told him what happened. His car settled back to a steady 25mpg, and she came across the street to gloat about it. I was sworn to secrecy by my wife. My instinct is to rat her off, but my wife thinks I'll be the cause of a divorce if I do. I can still hear Lucy cackling, "the fuckin' moron actually thought he was getting 50 mpg!"

Bruce

P.S. I'm gonna include the following message for a week to catch all the new subs with it.

I'm sending this mail out in HTML format to get the pretty colors and graphics and stuff. This is a test to find out how many of you can receive it correctly. If you can't, please e-mail me at reallygoodquotes@.... There's no sense putting this together if you can't receive it!

"NOTICE: Ramganga River is inhabited by crocodiles. Swimming is prohibited. Survivors will be prosecuted." - sign in the Corbett National Park, Uttar Pradesh, India

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

Well, the great HTML/text debate is over. Well, almost over! I decided that deciding to decisively decide is not an easy decision, and so I decided not to decide! Actually, if that makes sense to you, you're in need of some serious help!

This is what I concluded. About 70%+ of you wanted HTML, and approaching 30% of you wanted a text version of this newsletter. I mentioned earlier that in a democracy, 70% is considered overwhelming, but let's be realistic. I can't run off 1/4 or more of my readers, either.

I also realized there was a serious problem with my poll. Just because the text folks would prefer text, it doesn't mean they'll unsubscribe if it stays HTML. Maybe they'd prefer the smaller file size in their mailbox, or some other reason, but if they like what I'm doing, some surely will put up with it and go with the majority, while others will inevitably leave.

So here it is. I'm going to stay HTML for another week, and give the text folks a chance to plead their case. HTML'ers don't have to do anything. You've already won at this point. Text folks...you need to send me an e-mail threatening to unsubscribe if I don't go to text. You don't have to do it yet...just threaten. I'll count up the threats, and figure out what the losses might actually be. I know some will leave, and although I won't be happy about it, I need to work for the majority here. If 5%-10% or so threaten to leave the list, that seems unavoidable. I'd hate to see you go, but I'd accept that. If 25%-30% threaten to leave, that's a big chunk, and I'll probably cave in and switch to text.

Right now, there's about a 70% chance that it'll stay HTML. Duh! Text-ers, you'd better get on the stick and write me at reallygoodquotes@... and let me know. Next Monday, come hell or high water, this debate is over.

Democratically,

Bruce

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Hi, read about your e-zine in bonehead & thought I'd sign up...Received my first issue today & LOVE it!!!- thanks Toni-Lee
p.s. I'm now eagerly awaiting TWO e-zines, bonehead & yours!!
[Thanx for the nice words. Jerry Lerman of BoneheadOfTheDayAwards is a friend, and though we're not affiliated in business, I still urge you to check out his newsletter. E-mail BoneheadOfTheDayAward-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. I know you'll get a kick out of it.]

Following is an actual e-mail rumor as it's been sent. Please don't be gullible enough to reply to this or other similar e-mails. It is a total scam, simply a way for them to get your personal information. No one is going to send you $25 million, I guarantee you! They even guilt trip you by saying that if you don't claim the money, it will go to fund a war in Africa. Pitiful!

ZENITH BANK PLC.
VICTORIA ISLAND, LAGOS NIGERIA
E-MAIL: missah666@...

Attn: The CEO.

Dear Sir,

REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE

First, I must solicit your confidence in this transaction; this is by virture of its nature as being CONFIDENTIAL and TOP SECRET. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive but I am assuring that all will be well at the end of the day.

We have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction, as we have reliably informed of your honesty and ability in a transaction of this nature. Let me first start by
introducing myself properly to you.

I am Al-Amin Ibn Dada, an executive director with the Zenith Bank Plc., Lagos Nigeria. I came to know of you in my private search for a reliable and reputable person to handle this confidential
transaction, which involves the transfar of a huge sum of money to a foreign account.

THE PROPOSITION: a foreigner, Late Engineer Johnson Creek, an Oil Merchant/Contractor with the federal government of Nigeria, until his death a year ago in a ghastly air crash, banked with us here at Zenith Bank Plc. Lagos and had a closing balance as at the end of September, 2000 worth USD25.5m (Twenty - Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollar) which the bank now expects a next of kin to claim as beneficiary.

Valuable efforts have been made by the Zenith Bank Plc., to get in touch with Creek's family or relatives but there has been no success. It is because of the perceived possibility of not being
able to locate any Late Engr. Johnson Creek's next-of-kin (he had no wife nor children that is known to the bank). that the management under the influence of our Managing Director Chairman, Board of Directors, Jim Ovie, requested that arrangement be made for the funds to be
declared "UNCLAIMABLE" and subsequently donated to the trust fund for arms ammunitions to further enhance the course of war in Africa and the world in general.

In order to prevent this, some of my trusted colleagues and I now seek your permission to have you stand as a next-of-kin to Late Engr. Johnson Creek so that the fund USD 25.5m would be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary's next-of-kin. All documents to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out. This proposal is 100% risk-free. We have agreed that the fund be shared thus, after it must have been transferred into your account.

1) 30% of the money will go to you for acting as the beneficiary of the fund.

2) 10% will be set aside for reimbursement to both parties for any incidental expenses that may be incurred in the course of the fund transfer.

3) 60% to us the originators of the transaction. If this proposal is acceptable to you, then take advantage of the trust we have bestowed on you and your company and kindly get to me immediately.

Please, furnish me with your most confidential telephone, fax and mobile numbers. Also your exclusive bank account particulars will be required so that I can use the information to apply for the release and subsequent transfer of the funds in your favour.

Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-peration.

Yours faithfully,

Al-Amin Ibn Dada
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, ZENITH BANK PLC.

Questions? Comments? Want to contribute a joke or a quote or an image? Feel free to e-mail at reallygoodquotes@.... We'd love to hear from you! We'll even publish your comments, if they make any sense!

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

We all tend to be somewhat critical of the government. How many things can you cite from memory that the government has done really well? I ran across an example of something that the government actually did exceptionally well, and since there hasn't been a lot of coverage about it, I decided to highlight it.

25 years ago, on Aug. 20, 1977, NASA launched the spacecraft Voyager II, and Voyager I was launched a few days later on Sept. 5. They were designed to last for 5 years, and were sent to take advantage of an unusual planetary alignment that allowed the same craft to visit most of the planets, by slingshotting around one and heading for the next. The idea was that one mission could cover four planets and dozens of moons.

Well, it turns out that those two little craft are still plugging along, now with a collective 14 billion miles on their space odometers. The engineers have had to shut down a few of the instruments on board to conserve power, but amazingly, 20 years after their design life was over, they are still working. They will become the first man-made objects ever to leave our solar system. Engineers are saying they believe the crafts may go on working for another 25 years, and they soon will be sending the first data ever back to the human race from interstellar space.

We learned from the Voyagers that the great red spot of Jupiter is actually a giant, perpetual storm several thousand times larger than earth. We learned some moons have hot volcanic activity, while others are icy. We learned that there is more volcanic activity on Jupiter's Io than there is on the earth, and that the solar winds are fastest, up to a million miles an hour, near Neptune.

Right now, the spacecraft are so far away it takes 24 hours for a signal to reach the craft and the confirming signal to be received back here again. In comparison, it takes 15 minutes for a radio signal to reach Mars.

Each spacecraft carries a gold-plated copper disc with greetings, music and 115 images, including the Golden Gate Bridge, the Great Wall of China, rush hour on an Indian highway and a human fetus. In a sense, they're a time capsule of humanity that might someday be found by other beings, if they exist out there.

Ok, I agree that none of that information feeds anyone here on earth except the scientists working on the project. I know many readers probably couldn't give a damn one way or the other about what's out in space. It just seems to me that this is truly an amazing accomplishment for the human race. For once, our government and its agencies really did a bang-up job, and ought to be recognized for it. I'm only glad it wasn't launched by the Post Office.

Inspiredly,

Bruce

P.S. Oh yeah, in the midst of this HTML-text debate, I had to go and screw up yesterday's mailing. It was about ten feet wide and I had everyone scrolling offscreen for content. Well, it was an error, and hopefully it won't happen again. Text folks, please sent your threats. Decision time this weekend.

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For those of you that are getting interested in reading Twain.....please do and then pick up a copy of Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut. TTerry.
[I have no clue what Kurt Vonnegut has to do with Mark Twain, but since a reader recommended it, I'm dutifully passing it along!]

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

We Americans are a nation of extremists. Whatever we do, it seems someone, somewhere wants to take some reasonable goal to ridiculous extremes. Airport screeners confiscated a G.I. Joe toy gun in L.A. recently...now, we're not talking a full-sized reproduction here, but a toy-sized gun that goes with the toy! Then there was the case of the old lady who sued McDonald's because she spilled coffee on her withered crotch, and, shock of shocks, the coffee was hot! Even worse, she won over $3 million, and she spilled the coffee herself! The examples abound, but it just never ends.

The latest addition to my list of absurdities is what is going on at the Calaveras County Fair, not surprisingly, in California. In 1865, Mark Twain wrote a short story entitled "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County", and the contest became known around the world. Every year in May, people catch bullfrogs and try to get them to jump the farthest. I don't have recent statistics, but I think I remember hearing of jumps that exceeded 20 feet.

Now it seems that members of the Animal Protection Institute are encouraging a letter-writing campaign (non-violent, at least for the moment...), with the hopes of ending the old tradition. It seems that Larissa Bryski of that group believes that the contests are cruel and inhumane, and says that frogs should not be taken from their native habitat for human entertainment. Gimme a break!

We can take the little critters to roast their legs off, but please, don't let them jump! Don't these people have anything better to do? The frogs are returned to their habitats after the contest, unless of course someone has a taste for frog legs. Think of animals being used for human entertainment. Race horses run for us, and so do dogs, so why can't frogs jump? We put cats in cat shows. Granted they don't do anything, but still, it's for human entertainment, so it must be cruel and inhumane and wrong! Hell, I'm going to have to empty my aquarium because I expect the fish to swim for my entertainment.

Where does it end? If I tell my dog to roll over or shake hands, am I being cruel because I'm being entertained at some level by that? There are some real cases of abuse out there, and I'd be the first to stand up and say that cruelty and neglect should not be tolerated, but where does one draw the line? Humans have taken animals from their native habitats ever since they stood upright. I think these protestors ought to get a life, and let harmless traditions be. If they weren't spoiled rich kids, we could get them all jobs as airport security screeners, where they could do some good, like protecting passengers from dildos that accidentally start buzzing in a suitcase!

Humanely,

Bruce

P.S. Ok, ladies, and gents, decision time this weekend for the HTML/text debate. I have asked the texters to stand up and be counted, and so far, their showing has been pitiful. This is your last chance to be heard. Please send me your threats to unsubscribe over the weekend. Monday will be too late.

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Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! As a federal government employee I do get a little sick of all the government bashing that goes on. Most of us work very hard, for little
pay and less accolades. I sent it to all my co-workers. - Faith

Your site has always been so interesting, but I found the most interesting of all, was the story of the voyagers, into outer space. I have often wondered what ever happened to the voyagers. Keep up the most interesting site "I have found yet!!!!! Thank-you for the interesting subjects - Nani-lee

Nice comment on the progress of Voyager I & II. 'You' would be suprised how many of us are truly interested in Space and its exploration. - TTerry

[Frankly, I'm really surprised that the piece was enjoyed so much. I didn't realize there were so many nerds out there! Of course, I guess I fit into that category, too!]

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

I was minding my own business, driving down the road the other day when the light turned yellow in front of me. I simply accelerated to go through the light, but then I saw something that made my blood run cold. There, on the side of the road, was a little sign that said "Photo-enforced". Aarrrrgggghhh! The dreaded red-light camera!

I had already accelerated, and to stop now would mean screeching to a halt, hopefully before sliding into the intersection. If I was wrong on my timing, I'd get a ticket worth a couple of hundred bucks in the mail. I floored it, and got through before the light changed. I had sweaty palms by the time I crossed the intersection.

That got me to thinking. Using electronics, it's a snap to time someone the way you would an Olympic athlete, but it sucks to use this type of technology the way it's being used today. First off, all signal lights are not even timed the same. A driver who would have cleared the light at another, more familiar intersection could receive an expensive ticket in the mail from an unfamiliar one. People are not electronic clocks. So you missed the timing by .001 second. Does that make you an unsafe driver, or is it simply a judgement call that you missed by a tiny fraction of a second? Does anyone deserve a several-hundred dollar fine for that?

And don't you love the way that various city and county governments are "selling" the idea to the people as a public safety issue, as something that the Orwellian 'Big Brother' has to do in your best interest? That's bullshit, and they know it. It's a revenue issue, plain and simple. It's a great way to make money. These candid cameras are clicking away, 24 hours a day, preying on human nature to make their fortune.

Pitiful but true, they can't even claim success. It's never been demonstrated that there is a decrease in accidents at these monitored intersections, and there have been some claims that accidents actually increase, since drivers tend to slam on the brakes at these locations to avoid chancing a ticket.

It seems that if these government entities were so concerned about safety, they'd simply increase the duration of the yellow light for another half a second. That would make running red lights much less common and solve the issue the remote cameras are alleged to be combating.

It seems only fair that there should at least be a grace period of from .25 to .5 second before the tickets start rolling. It somehow seems pretty unfair to time people using tiny fractions of a second that can't even be perceived by a human being. Just think of how much money an extra half second would save the average driver on soiled underwear every year!

Photogenicly,

Bruce

In the initial comments you made, you stated "Now I generally sleep in the nude..." and a quote later in the email stated "Fashion is all about eventually becoming naked.". You fashion victim, you....Trav.

I liked this comment [from Friday]. "I'm a new subscriber but I must question your decision to let your readers shape the content. If I wanted a newsletter that reflects my thinking, I'd start my own. In a world in which there is already way to much conformity, I prefer the pleasure of watching other free-wheeling minds bouncing off the walls of the possible. Keep on rattling the cages and let reader reaction be after-the-fact, which is as it should be. - Bob" - Unsigned
[So did I, actually. He really said it all. What a great group of readers I've got!]

Re: Technology

I still have to maximize my e-mail scrren to read your publication. Of the dozen or so that I subscribe to, this is the only one I receive that I need to do this. I really like your publication but I think I will choose to unsubscribe unless you decide to go to a text format. Can you put me on a list to renew if you decide to ever publish both kinds? Thanks - Peggy
Next e-mail from Peggy: Please ignore my previous request to unsubscribe me, but did the threat work??? [Readers, any input? She's using AOL.]

im a fairly new subscriber to your newsletter and thus far have found it really great. HOWEVER. from the letter i read today, youre changing your layout style. bear with me here for a minute so i can explain. this email account sits on an old portable that runs about 1 mile an hour. it is very slow. in addition, im on a bunch of newsletters. three or four times a day, i download my email and read it off line (sometimes days later, depending on my life at the mo'). buttons and do-duhs for web pages make the page (for me) next to impossible to read. i realize im only one little (ok, slightly overweight) subscriber but if you go to bells and whistles, i will hafta unsubscribe. you wanted feedbak, heres mine. - the duck
[You should all realize that things like buttons are page elements which add very little, if any download time. HTML format gives me an opportunity to do things that are not possible to do in text, such as include the image files on the same page, and I'm trying to simplify, not complicate your lives. Readers, let me know if you like the menu bar.]

Re: Format

hi bruce, i am a very recent subscriber and i must tell you that i used to enjoy the daily quotes at the end of a certain un-named e-subscription , which is what brought me to your site (the name, not so much the content). now i see that your format is a bit more diverse than just the run-o-the-mill quote shop, and as such, has a bit more flavor and appeal to a reader like myself. i just finished reading that one of your former subscribers just unsubscribed because of just this multifaceted format. well, i say good-bye to those who do not wish to expand their knowledgebase and i welcome any and all who embrace this varigated type of appearance. nuff said. ~p

It sounds like that [becoming more issues-oriented] would be a reflection of who you really are and I think it would be great! I love a good discussion myself as long as it's limited to one or two mailings a day and not one of those bulletin boards where your mailbox gets full of everyone's individual replies along with their subscribing and unsubscribing. I look forward to it. - Noella

Please don’t turn this into a political e-zine. I find it so refreshing to get a break from people of all parties and from all walks of life trying to shove their beliefs down my throat as if they know what is right for everyone. People debating politics never come to any agreements unless they are of the same political party. It’s irritating and gives me a headache. Please---no…no…NO! - Michelle
[I greatly regret using the word "political" on Thursday. I never intended to fashion RGQ after Rush Limbaugh or Bill Maher. I just meant keeping fun and interesting stuff in front of you all, and in Reader Bob's words, "watching other free-wheeling minds bouncing off the walls of the possible." (Damn, that guy outta get a Nobel in Literature for that quote! I couldn't have said it better myself! Literally! Bob, e-mail me and let me know if it's ok if I use that line in some of my advertising.)]

Re: Humor

Dear Bruce, your spider story tweaks a few memory strings. I've found myself in the same predicament too many times.(Our wives must have went to school together) Anyway the story I wanted to share - My wife and I were visiting relatives whom are dairy farmers and while taking a walking tour of the farm we found ourselves in a spot that was too buggy to suit her.(Fields of wild flowers with accompaning bees e.t.c.) She immediately wanted the fastest way out which was through the paddock area. No sooner had we started across ( this is an area where the floor droppings from in the milking area are thrown) than we found ourselves in an infestation of dining crickets- of biblical proportions she's still leary of taking walks with me and we have'nt been back to the farm in twenty five years. - Jim

First, I'd prefer it if the issues came up accidently, rather than incidently. I too signed up for the quotes and the humor. Speaking of which, I LOVED the "Bedtime Story" -- can definitely relate to that. I also wanted to mention another site for debunking rumors -- snopes.com. It's the one I've been using for a long time -- ever since my son accused me of being the most gullible mother in the world....Keep up the good work. Oh, and did I ever tell you about the spider in my room that was (as Woody Allen put it) the size of a Buick? - Donna

Another great submission from readers. Gail and Steve, here's your 15 Minutes of Fame!

the recording industry of america (riaa) is currently attempting to pass a bill that will grant them the ability to:

1) force an isp to shut down access to any site on its servers that the riaa deems to be engaging in illegal activity, or more precisely, any site that has the ability to provide file-sharing of licensed or copywritten materials,
2) impose a tax on any recording media with the presumption that it will be used for some type of illegal copying of licensed or copywritten materials, assuming this tax will cover unpaid royalties,
3) have an untethered right to invade anyone's personal computer (pc) that it deems may possibly contain ill-gotten licensed or copywritten materials, whether or not the pc may have such materials on it. and, it cannot be held responsible for any damage it may inflict on said pc. also, any material it confiscates from a pc, becomes their property (beware future entrepreneurs and inventors).

i understand the riaa has an unpopular job in attempting to curb the bootleg market of america's music industry. sure, there is a loss to some degree that the public must absorb through the increase of music industry prducts but that does not give the riaa the omnipotent power to hide beneath the wings of the "terrorist" act bill and claim they need access to every and any one's pc and ravage the contents to their pleasure and, possibly, monetary gain. this does not give them the right to say whether or not a site on the web is "fit" for me to view its contents. i have a first amendment to the constitution that says so. i also have many more inalienable rights, as a u.s. citizen, that do not allow for the riaa to commit their own acts of terror upon myself and my p-e-r-s-o-n-a-l computer, hiding under the guise of protecting the rights of their clients. bullsh*t, i say. i will rattle the cages of my state reps and senator until this litigation is thrown out by the responsible voice of the country in wash d.c. - gail and steve

Outback Steaks for the Troops in Afghanistan

This is a happy story and it is true.

Outback Streakhouses, with the help of some of their vendors and the U.S. military, delighted nearly 7,000 U.S. military personnel at the U.S. base in Kandahar with steaks, shrimp, non-alcoholic beer, cheescake...and Outback's signature Bloomin' Onion.

It was a welcome break from T-rations.

Outback personnel from several locations volunteered for the mission.

It took three days to transport all the food, three days to prepare it, and seventy minutes to serve it.

For more details, go to:
<http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/outback-kandahar.htm>

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

It seems the Jim Beam Distillery in Clermont, Kentucky has a problem with their employees. The damn ingrates are human and sometimes have to take a leak. Management there is upset about bathroom breaks, and has decided that a new policy is necessary. You're now allowed 4 bathroom breaks per 8½ hour shift, and only one of them can be unscheduled. You get written up if you have to go, and can be fired with six violations.

I learned an interesting fact of biology from my dad when I was about 17 and on a cross-country auto trip with him, my sis, my mom, and my aunt. In my youth and inexperience, I asked him why the girls always had to stop to use the bathroom, and he and I didn't. He asked me, "haven't you ever heard of fullopee-an tubes?"

I learned better, of course, as I got older, but one fact remains. There is a physiological difference between men and women. Women have smaller bladders than men do, and their organ placement tends to put pressure on it. Pregnancy exacerbates the problem, but women simply need the bathroom more often than men do. What do you bet that a rule that has greater impact on women than men was written by a man?

According to a spokesperson for the United Food and Commercial Worker's Union, some of the 100 employees have actually urinated on themselves for fear of leaving the line and losing their jobs. Others wear "protective undergarments" (diapers), and some feign illness to go home and avoid violations.

Those in the corporate ivory tower defend the practice as a balance between their employees' physical needs and the company's productivity needs. One wonders if the policy extends to those who wrote it. Am I too skeptical if I say that I doubt it? Workers have to bring a note from a doctor (sounds like grade school to me) in order to receive more trips, and so far, 29 out of the 100 have gotten medical necessity waivers.

This policy seems kinda serious to me. I'm thinking that some guy might duck behind a machine and fill one of those bottles "whizzing" by on the line in order to keep his job! Whiskey, anyone?

Realistically,

Bruce

Re: Lights and Accidents:

Of course they(the lawmakers) will continue to try and shape a perfect world! BECAUSE humans can't possibly measure up and thus you can fine the hell out of them!!! There are a lot of things in our country which are illegal and only illegal because too many people make too much money from they're illegality for the situation to ever change.(It just gets worse) Thats why our jails are full and taxpayers need to build more. But as Dennis Miller says-"Thats just my opinion I could be wrong!" - Jim

Yellow lights: The 2002 Calif. DMV manual says, "A yellow signal light means “CAUTION.” The red signal is about to appear. When you see the yellow light, you
should stop if you can do so safely. If you can’t stop, watch for vehicles that may enter the intersection when the light changes." Also, there is a "grace period" of sorts--if your front or rear wheels have cleared the pedestrian crosswalk when the light has turned red, then you're fine. (My girlfriend and I dispute whether it's front or rear wheels; this issue is not in the manual.) Also, if you *accelerate* when
you see a yellow, *and* there was enough room/time for you to stop safely, a cop might bust you for reckless driving. It's all about safety, and geez, what's a
couple of minutes "wasted" at a light compared to sideswiped cars and possible
injuries/fatalities/maimings. - Anonymous

Distracted driving: Perhaps I didn't read your piece thoroughly, but did you provide stats on # of no-injury accidents caused by distractions? I'd prefer to avoid any sort of accident, injury or no. I use an earpiece to cellphone in the car, and it does feel
safer. And I thought NY's cellphone ban allowed for earpieces? - Anonymous
[In fairness, they weren't my stats, but the California Highway Patrol's stats. All I did was figure the percentages, which they conveniently avoided doing. The last stat listed was "other", and I assume that meant other distractions. Since you asked, here are the stats the CHP provided. Other: 2168/38 - 5%/.583% (5% of all injuries, roughly .6% of all fatalities). And no, they didn't mention non-injury accidents in the stats I had access to.]

Re: Reader's own quote submission:

Psycho-ceramic = CRACKPOT - Charles G.

I need some help from you guys. Please take a minute to click on the link below and submit a vote for RGQ. Express your own opinion about what I'm doing here, but just submitting a vote would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to those that did so yesterday, but there are lots and lots of you that didn't. I really need the boost here.
Please rate this Ezine at the Cumuli Ezine Finder
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/ra22450.rate

The WTC (World Trade Center) Virus Warning

This is a hoax. There is no WTC virus. This warning has been on the Internet for several months but has increased dramatically in circulation recently...probably because of the upcoming anniversary of the Attack on America last September 11. The warning says to watch for the WTC virus and that it will erase everything on your hard drive.
From truthorfiction.com

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

I received the following from my brother-in-law, who is retired from the U.S. Army. He has many friends that keep him supplied with military stories. I thought the following was fascinating, although possibly moreso to American readers because they're more likely to know those named in it. My audience is worldwide here, and although every American knows that Captain Kangaroo was a very long-running children's television show, those outside the U.S. might not recognize who he is. The "Captain" is an actor named Bob Keeshan, and his show ran for over 25 years, to the delight of generations of kids.

Another person mentioned in the piece is Lee Marvin, who was a well-known actor who played in such films as The Dirty Dozen and Cat Ballou. Though never a huge star, he probably played in over 30 films.

I'm adding one historical note here so that this story will make sense to all. During World War II, a terrible battle took place on an island called Iwo Jima in the Pacific. The only mountain on that island, a volcano called Mt. Suribachi, was the militarily strategic high ground that had to be captured. The world-famous photo of four U.S. Marines raising the flag was taken atop that mountain. With that said, this is the story I received.

Captain Kangaroo turned 75 recently, which is odd, because he's never looked a day under 75. (Birthday 6/27/27) It reminded me of the following story. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Some people have been a bit offended that actor Lee Marvin is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time. Why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer:

I always liked Lee Marvin, but did not know the extent of his Corps experiences. In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces, often in rear-echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima. There is only one higher Naval award... the Medal Of Honor. If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.

Dialogue From The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson: His guest was Lee Marvin. Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima... and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."

"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the ass and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi... bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys gettin' shot hauling you down. But Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. The dumb bastard actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends.

When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me lying on my belly on the litter and said, 'Where'd they get you Lee?'

Well Bob... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse! Johnny, I'm not lying... Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew. Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

Humbly,

Bruce

Re: Red Light Cameras:

I still love the newsletter, but in my not so humble opinion, you are way off base about the red light cameras. The use of the cameras certainly does reduce the number of accidents at monitored intersections. After a quick Google search I found some links to back this up. Although, I must admit that I cannot vouch for the validity of their data. http://www.transcore.com/whoweare/traffic_camera_safety.htm
http://208.58.30.127/RLR/page14.html

And here's a link to a rather balanced article that discusses the whole issue. http://www.ncsl.org/programs/ESNR/tracamra.htm

There are stories where the people who install red light cameras also decrease the duration of the yellow lights so that they can maximize the revenue generated. This is just wrong, no matter how you look at it. But your anger should be directed at the greedy cocksuckers who tweaked the setup, not at the camera systems. When properly set up, these systems improve the safety of their intersections.

Besides, if you drive properly (i.e.- obey the speed limit and pay attention to the road), you'll see the yellow light and be able to stop in time. If you don't drive properly, then you deserve the damn ticket! - Andy
[I went to the links he listed. The first is the website of a company that sells cameras, and not surprisingly, their statistics show a 92% reduction in red-light accidents. Maybe that's cuz they're trying to sell cameras! (I'll bet they also have a 92% increase in sales!)

The second website was a bit more interesting. It focuses on Oxnard, CA, which just happens to be a few miles from me. They show great results in the reduction of front-to-side collisions, but they make no mention of rear-end collisions that happen when panicked drivers slam on the brakes unexpectedly. An oversight? They also base their studies on "control" intersections in Santa Barbara, CA, and Bakersfield, CA. Are these guys working for Arthur Anderson, or what? What's wrong with the obvious control...before and after the installation of cameras at the same location? Sounds like they're "cooking the books" with their statistics here.

Readers comments have shown that there are many ways other than cameras to achieve "safety" at intersections that are not currently employed. These include letting the green light flash before switching to yellow, increasing the duration of the yellow, and leaving both sides red for a brief fraction of a second. I still firmly believe that revenue is the biggest reason for installing cameras. I'm not advocating running red lights here, and I'm not saying that cameras don't reduce running red lights! I'm only saying that money outweighs safety as the reason that government entities are moving towards photo-enforcement. Otherwise, why not flash the green, longer yellows, and have both sides briefly red before going to cameras? They're certainly far cheaper to implement. If they did that first, and still had a problem with red-light runners, I'd be much more inclined to believe that they had our interests instead of their own at heart.]

Re: Cell Phones

New York does not have a cell phone ban - the law states that cell phone use while driving must be "hands free" - MssChiff

Perhaps you don't drive much in commute traffic or in the middle of the day when there are construction delays). Many people are on cell phones (rescheduling appointments, or bored?) and fender benders do result. If you observe someone weaving, drifting out of a lane, driving 10-20 mph slower than the speed limit, and stopping 30 feet short of a stop sign, chances are they are either drunk or on a cellphone (similar behavior).

I personally saw a maneuver that could have had dire results: my wife was driving in the left lane at 65 mph (I was a passenger) on Interstate 280 when she noticed a car approaching at about 90 mph in the center lane. She put on her emergency flashers and started to slow down to warn others as the car flashed past, driver with cellphone to ear. He must have suddenly realized that he was about to hit a car in front of him (going 60), because he braked hard and swerved sharply to the left out of control, back to the right as he attempted to correct, then spun back through the center and left lane traffic finally hitting a barrier rear-end first, smashing the whole back end of a new-looking BMW M5 and deploying the air bag. Only providence (and possibly my wife's quick thinking) saved everyone as his spinning car threaded its way through moderate Saturday afternoon traffic. As we passed his car (now facing the wrong way on the left shoulder) he may have been dialing his cellphone for a tow. I would assume the accident never got reported to the CHP (unless they got there before the tow) and that he probably told his insurance company that somebody cut him off.

Also, in your CHP statistics there is nothing about how they were collected. I don't think many people would admit to being distracted in any way after they were involved in a serious accident. The percentages are so low that the study is worthless, unless you want to suggest that a large part of the balance of the accidents were done on purpose! Accidents very very rarely "happen": ACCIDENTS ARE CAUSED. - Robert
[An interesting story, and I'm sure others out there have similar tales. My question to you is, if he had been driving identically without the cellphone what would you have blamed the result on? I'm sure that you'd say it was the speed and aggressiveness. I believe that they, and not the phone, were responsible for what occurred, although the phone is the first thing that people tend to blame. I'm sorry if the percentages were so low as to be worthless...in fact...that was the reason I went through the trouble of calculating them. The whole issue, based on the CHP's own statistics, is a non-issue. Those are the figures. Your situation would surely have been included in those stats, but let's be realistic here...it was reckless driving, and not the phone that was the problem.
One more point...the statistics I used are not "my" statistics, but those released to the news media by the CHP.]

Re: Voyager
[Note to new subs: I ran a piece on the Voyager spacecraft several weeks ago. This is a late, but nevertheless informative piece related to that.]

The Jet Propulsion Laboratory [JPL] was responsible for Voyager. JPL is run by the California Institute of Technology, although the facilities are owned by NASA. Historically, many,if not most, Interplanetary Spacecraft that JPL has been responsible for, have exceeded their design lifetimes. They have run into the "Extended Mission" mode,in which maximum utility is sought when a spacecraft is available after all nominal mission objectives have been obtained. Some have been "shut down" or had reduced operations [Voyager] due to resource limitations. While there have been many spectacular successes in the harsh, unknown environment of Space, there have been equally spectacular failures. Guess which make the headlines! - Anonymous

Re: Reader's Own Quote:

"Most places I've worked, it was 'kick ass and take names'; here it's 'kiss ass and drop names'." - Robert Cassidy to a Plant Manager of the now defunct Digital Equipment Corporation, when asked how it was going.

Damn I love my readers! Thanks for humbling yourself before the world and sharing this story. I promised I wouldn't use her name, so it'll be anonymous, but it's sure a cute story, and a great way to start off a new feature!

Bruce, I'm a recent addition to your mailing list, and I love it! Keep up the good work. I thought I'd share my most embarrassing moment with you and the rest of the like-minded.

I was always a very shy child, and school was pretty much a nightmare to me if I thought people (especially teachers) noticed me. But fresh into high school (8th grade where I come from) you had to take gymnastics for a year, like it or not, and I was really, really bad at it.

No matter how hard I tried I was always the one who was no good at any of it. Couldn't do a cartwheel if I were paid to do it, never mind do one with no hands! (Most of the girls in my class could.) I was afraid of falling off the parallel bars, so I couldn't even get up a decent swing, not to mention swinging OVER them! NO way! And the beam? Forget it. I tottered like a drunk and once I'd fallen off there was no getting me back up there.

Then they brought out the vaulting horse. Okay, I thought, I bet I can do this if I try very, very hard. So I backed up (almost into the next state) and broke into the fastest run of my life. Hit the springboard as hard as I could... reached down down down for the horse... missed it completely, and landed about fifteen feet away, on my nose, with my butt in the air! I had jumped so hard I totally cleared the horse by miles! And the worst of it was, even I could see the funny side of it and was laughing so hard myself, everyone thought I was crying.

I never did live that down, all through five years of high school my friends would remind me of "the horse incident." - Blushing To This Day!

A reader sent me the following, and I checked it on the www.truthorfiction.com website. It is a scam. There's no documentation that this has ever occurred, and medical experts say that one whiff of ether won't render you unconscious. Safety is always a concern, but these lies and distortions just heighten paranoia in all of us. The problem is that they're usually very well-written and convincing, and like what I call the "red-light camera scam", they purport to have your best interests at heart, when in reality they're only promoting themselves. See the facts at http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/perfume.htm, and if you get this, don't pass it on.

Perfume Scam

I was approached yesterday afternoon around 3:30 p.m. in the Walmart parking lot by two males, asking what kind of perfume I was wearing. Then they asked if I'd like to sample some fabulous scent they were willing to sell me at a very reasonable rate. I probably would have agreed had I not received an email some weeks ago warning of a "Wanna smell this neat perfume?" scam.

The men continued to stand between parked cars, I guess to wait for someone else to hit on. I stopped a lady going towards them, pointed at them, and told her that I got an e-mail at work about someone walking up to you at the malls or in parking lots, and asking you to SNIFF PERFUME that they are selling at a cheap price.

THIS IS NOT PERFUME - IT IS ETHER!

When you sniff it, you'll pass out. And they'll take your wallet, your valuables, and heaven knows what else. If it were not for this e-mail, I probably would have sniffed the "perfume". But thanks to the generosity of an emailing friend, I was spared whatever might have happened to me. I wanted to do the same for you.

IF YOU ARE A MAN AND RECEIVE THIS PASS IT ON TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW!

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

Well, I'm embarrassed. About ten of you wrote back to let me know that the story in Friday's RGQ was total BS. It was. I was duped, bamboozled, fooled, tricked, cheated, and deceived. That doesn't bother me much. I've been wrong before. Just ask my wife. What really pisses me off is that some idiot somewhere decided it would be a good idea to write and distribute a piece like that in the first place. Why?

I do not know Bob Keeshan, nor did I ever meet Lee Marvin, but I'd bet my last dollar that neither of them would be happy about what was written. Even though the writer of that piece bestowed on both a Navy Cross that they didn't earn, and turned them into folk heroes at one of the bloodiest battles of WWII, I'm sure that both would be outraged by what was said. Why? Because men that have served have more character than that. They would see it as an affront to the memory of those who did fight and die there to allow some unknown author to falsely claim that they had fought there honorably when they did not.

Evidently the writer of that piece of shit had no compunction about disgracing and trivializing those who were there with his own lies and distortions, nor did he give a damn what kind of position he put Lee Marvin (or his memory) and Bob Keeshan in. It was only an e-mail. It was only a joke. Ha ha ha. Isn't he the clever one?

I never expected to write a column like today's, but since it came up the way it did, a battle fought some 57 years ago unexpectedly became our current topic of discussion. It struck me that there are likely many readers who know nothing at all about Iwo Jima. Perhaps you remember the name from a movie or something, but I am guessing that many of you have no clue what it was all about. Maybe by bringing that back to the front burner for a brief moment, you'll understand why I'm so damned angry.

The U.S. was dealt an almost lethal blow at Pearl Harbor in Dec. 1941, and we lost virtually every major battle until a combination of heroism, dumb luck, excellent command, and enemy code-breaking resulted in a costly but decisive victory at the Battle of Midway in June of 1942. From that point forward, the Japanese never won another major engagement and the painful but inevitable retreat that led back to their home islands began.

General Mac Arthur chose a strategy of "island hopping", bypassing some Japanese-held islands completely, leaving their troops idle and unable to be resupplied, and invading and fighting at other, more important locations. Through intense jungle warfare, and fighting in conditions that would gag a maggot, Allied troops continued to advance slowly but inexorably toward Japan.

Fast-forward now to February 1945, six months before the end of the war. Allied forces had taken the island of Saipan, about 1300 miles south of Tokyo. (Incidentally, Lee Marvin did serve there, and was wounded there.) Iwo Jima was Japanese territory located only 650 miles south of Tokyo. It was a tiny, miserable, God-forsaken, pork chop-shaped piece of land with a volcano and a plain, about 8 square miles in total (4 miles by 2 miles), but it had three airstrips on it. Those airstrips were deemed critical to the ultimate victory of Allied troops, and so the decision was made to invade, and secure the island and those airstrips to be used by Allied forces for the anticipated invasion of the home islands of Japan.

To the 31,000 Japanese troops on that island, this decision had long been anticipated. They had dug 16 miles of fortified tunnels through hard obsidian and choking volcanic ash, and they had all the time in the world to set up defensive positions and booby traps wherever they felt it was necessary. They were able to practice their gunnery and defensive techniques for years, and there was no possible location for an invasion that had not been zeroed in on their gunsights. They had all taken an oath not to be taken prisoner, and they were determined to protect that land or die trying, for they knew full well that this was the last stop before Japan.

The most massive and intense aerial and naval bombardment of the war started, and for several weeks the Japanese positions were "softened up". We literally threw everything we had at them. Unknown to U.S. commanders, the tunnels were almost completely unaffected, and the Japanese lost little capacity to fight back for all the U.S. efforts. Finally, on Feb. 19, 1945, 880 ships surrounded the island, and 110,000 U.S. Marines went ashore, the first day of a 36-day trip to hell.

To put the Allied losses in perspective, consider one battalion of 1,688 Marines that went ashore. 1,511 of those men were killed or wounded. Only 177 walked off the island, and of those 177, 91 had been wounded at least once and had returned to battle. When it was finally over, 6821 Americans and 20,000+ Japanese lay dead. More than 26,000 U.S. Marines were wounded in that short 36 days. Marines fought in the Pacific for 43 months, and yet they suffered 1/3 of all their wartime deaths in one month at Iwo Jima.

Try to imagine for a moment the terror in the heart of a young Marine as his landing craft approached a beach, knowing that brave and determined Japanese soldiers were waiting, sworn to defend it. Imagine those Japanese soldiers, looking out to see an armada of 880 ships and 110,000 Marines coming ashore, and knowing that there was no possible way for them to ultimately prevail against such a force, and yet, try to imagine their resolve to make it as costly for us as possible. This was pure, unadulterated hell for both sides.

To think that some asshole would tarnish the sacrifices made by more than 140,000 soldiers by embellishing what really happened with a complete fabrication just fries me. What is the point of someone sitting down to write an interesting, well-written piece of bullshit? What do they gain from it? Maybe they get some macabre thrill seeing it reprinted or hearing it repeated somewhere. I don't know. I just hope that there is a special place in hell for that writer, maybe with the angry spirits of 6821 dead Marines waiting to have a little talk with him when he arrives. How can he gleefully turn something so painful and so terrible into a point of personal gratification when he himself isn't even named? It is beyond me. Those that were there were grateful just to be alive.

There are thousands of 'lucky' survivors on both sides of the Pacific that have awakened every day for the 57 years that have passed since Feb., 1945 sightless, or in wheelchairs, or with prosthetic limbs, or with the scars of terrible burns. I guarantee you that all still live with nightmares of those 36 days in hell.

I'm sorry I went off on this, but there are some things you just don't joke about. You don't cry "fire" in a crowded theater, you don't wisecrack about bombs on airplanes, and you don't trivialize the sacrifices made by combat soldiers, especially when they were there in your name. You just don't take that and toy with it. You honor it, you respect it, and you hope to God it never happens again.

Outragedly,

Bruce

P.S. The following is chiseled outside the cemetery on Iwo Jima.

When you go home
Tell them for us and say
For your tomorrow
We gave our today

"Last week, by a vote of 420 to 1, the House voted to expel Congressman James Traficant. Traficant was convicted for bribery, extortion, and tax evasion or as Congress calls it, the Triple Crown." - Jay Leno
The awful thing about this. this expulsion is true... and the ONLY
dissenting vote was from ... Gary Condit - Peggy

Re: Cellphones:

On your response to Robert concerning misplaced blame on cell phones. I agree that in this instance the accident was surely caused by an overly aggressive personality and not directly attributal to the phone - But wait, maybe the person on the other end severely pissed the guy off! and he's normally a level headed careful driver...It's been my experience that driving or walking-I say this cause I've encountered the same species on the highway and the food store.- A person with a cell phone to the ear is usually going much slower than the norm.(speed limit) just like a drunk. But for some reason the mind set of law enforcement is that minimum speed is far less worthy of enforceement time than excess speed -(unless of course they're cruising for drunks) Although just as dangerous, except the danger exists for the misfortunate chump trying to get around the babbler.The bottom line is- If it's potentially distracting to the driver its a safety hazard! There is no room for debate. - Jim
[In my original piece, I was not defending distracted driving. I made a specific point of saying that I didn't think folks should be watching TV, or receiving faxes, or surfing the net while driving. The point that I was making was that the actual statistics from the state show absurdly low percentages that they are able to attribute to cellphones. Those numbers are slightly better than chance. I haven't changed my view. If the state can't show that cellphones are a hazard, they ought to leave things the hell alone. If anything, they should look at the statistics from New York in a year or two and see if the ban on hand-held phones had any impact at all on their highway safety. I hate the quick-fixes that politicians rally behind without any knowledge at all of whether it will do anything for the public.]

Re: Red Lights:

I strongly disagree with the camera company getting paid on volume, and this seems to have changed in many places. But the revenue issue is not valid, any more than arguing about fines for parking tickets: enforcement costs should be borne by lawbreakers. And in cities (like SFO) where many pedestrians are threatened, injured and many times killed, I wonder how many may actually be saved if the cameras start reducing red-light running (I've seen videos of cars and 18-wheelers entering intersections 3-5 seconds after the light was red). Maybe if the fines were increased to $1500 per offense we would see a difference. If 1 camera saved 1 life per year, is it worth it? - Robert
[As with cellphones, I feel my position is being misunderstood. I hope no reader believes that I advocate running a red light, much less doing so 3-5 seconds late. My point was that using a camera to time people and then issue citations for tiny fractions of a second that can be timed but not even perceived by humans is not a safety, but a revenue issue. If this reader saw a video of cars and trucks blowing red lights that late, I think their licenses ought to be suspended. I'm only saying that money, and not safety, drives this push toward Big Brother type "solutions". Do any of you disagree that the same level of safety, or even more, could be achieved by flashing the green light, extending the duration of the yellow, and leaving both sides briefly red? Those solutions do not require cameras, and I think they should be explored first, if safety is the primary concern of those passing these laws.]

Re: Reader's Own Quote:

Hi Bruce, my husband has been saying this for a few years..."Remember, you too could become a statistic" - Quoteaholic-wanabe, Lisa

Another reader with a great sense of humor humbles herself before the world! Thanks for this.

I was a member of a small church (about 300) and it was my duty to keep the church phone list updated. We didn't have a membership per se, if someone came several times, it was assumed that they became a member and their name belonged on our telephone list. This job was good for me as I was a bit shy and this forced me to approach new people and get information from them. I was also single, and any new guys were prospects.

A redheaded guy started coming and I thought, "I like this job, now I can find out who he is and get his phone number." You know, for emergencies or some such thing like that.

I didn't want to ask him directly because I was afraid he might not understand I was just doing my job and think me too forward. I knew through the grapevine that he was staying with another family and but when I asked his name and they told me, they also mentioned that he had recently moved to an apartment down the street. Since several of our members lived on that street, I queried several of them, none of whom knew his number. I'd say I'd probably asked 5 or 6 families.

Finally, one night at church, out of desperation, I approached him, told him what I was doing and mentioned that I needed his phone number for our church directory. I mentioned that I'd asked several others but no one seemed to know his number. His reply: "Well, why didn't you call 'Information'?"

But probably the most embarrassing was the time I was looking for a CD by Mose Allison. I fell in love with his music back in the 60s, but had sold the albums during a time of negative income. Now I could afford to buy his music again. I found myself at one of those mega-stores where they sell everything. If anyone had it, they would. I walked in and was pleasantly surprised to see that there were computers set up for customers to do their own checking. I walked over and keyed in his name, when an employee walked up and asked if he could help. I explained my situation, and what I was doing. I mentioned to him that the computer brought up the name I was looking for, but didn't tell me where in the store I could find the CD.

The employee's response: "Ma'am, those are the cash registers."

True story, I guarantee.

Noella Ybarra

I'm waiting for more readers to send me in their work for 15 mins of fame! Looking forward to hearing from you!

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

I have told you all that I live in California. We really don't have much that we do in the way of local celebrations here. By way of example, there's a little town called Gilroy, where garlic is grown, and they have their Garlic Festival every year. People offer all sorts of things made with garlic, even ice cream. I wouldn't call that much of a festival, but the locals enjoy it, and it boosts the town's economy. It might be entertaining, but it's certainly not what I'd call a world-class festival.

Spain, however, is a totally different story. Those guys really know how to party! Perhaps I'm partial to Spain, having traveled there extensively, and speaking the language fluently, but the Spanish clearly have a knack for fun. They have the running of the bulls at the Fiesta de San Fermín in Pamplona every year. What an experience that is. The whole town literally shuts down for a week to party! Any reader that hasn't been to Pamplona needs to save their lunch money and go! It happens every year on July 7-13th, and it's definitely worth the trip. You can just watch if you like, and most do. You're only obligated to run with the bulls if you decide to get inside the barricaded streets. If you do, the cops will smack you with a nightstick if you try to climb back out. They're serious about their bull-running in Spain.

Now there's another little Spanish town that knows how to have fun and is making the news. The town is called Bunol, and they have what they call "La Tomatina". Now La Tomatina is not your average town festival. Bunol has only 8,000 residents, but the last Wednesday in August of every year, thousands descend on this place. This year, 38,000 showed up. So, what is La Tomatina?

Well, at noon exactly last Wednesday, municipal trucks drove into the town square and dumped 132 tons (yes, tons!) of tomatos on the ground. The participants instantly picked up tomatos, and the world's largest food fight began! The guys, and a lot of the gals, peel off their shirts and don goggles to protect their eyes, and the battle is on!

The food fight rages for an hour. Participants slam and pelt each other with these lovely tomatos, and laugh and just generally have the time of their lives for one single hour in an otherwise normal existence for most of them. Then, at 1 PM, a rocket is fired from a balcony, and the game is over. Residents then uncoil their garden hoses, and hose down the square and the participants. It'd be the world's largest wet T-shirt contest, except for the fact that many gals aren't wearing them, but this has gotta be a great place to go!

A local councilwoman, María Isabel Ferrer, told the Spanish news agency Efe that the following is building because "it unleashes a savage burst of adrenaline that allows all of us to feel a little bit like kids." Bravo, María! What a great attitude to take for what we'd normally perceive as a stuffy councilwoman!

Sometimes I think we all could use a little childish expression in our lives, that kind of fun that we're just too "grown up" or too "old" for. It's definitely on my agenda the next time I visit España! Oh yes, there is no doubt in my mind there will be a next time.

Childishly,

Bruce

see www.lahoya.net/tomatina for more info and photos.

Sorry, Bruce... but the "quote" from Baghdad Betty was really a joke from Johnny Carson. See http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/radio/baghdad.htm for more details... - Lance

[Damn, you guys are good! Thanks for the correction. What a great bunch of readers!]

My husband and I went to a Chinese Restaurant a few years ago and we were going to have a drink before dinner;the waiter asked what we would have and my husband asked for a Tom Collins, the waiter looked confused and asked again and my husband repeated his request, the waiter consulted the bartender who approached and asked what we needed, after my husband again asked for a Tom Collins the bar tender told us "he isn't here tonight"...he settled for iced tea and we have gotten a chuckle every time we hear Tom Collins mentioned. - Judy

Re: Red Lights

How about flashing the green, a longer yellow, red in both directions for 3 seconds, a 1 second delay on the camera, and big fines for violators. Manipulating the lights doesn't work without enforcement. It has been tried in many areas of the country. - John

I agree with you on the red light suggestions, except the flashing green light, which seems a little silly to me. This essentially becomes a "warning for a warning ( the yellow light)" and could exacerbate the situation by causing some people to start accelerating a block or more away, and there's still the issue of timing the flashing green. In my experience, the other two (yellow, timed commensurate with the speed limit, and delayed green) have been implemented at many intersections: the delayed green seems to be more effective than the extended yellow. I think that in the interest of safety, the politicians should push both these methods for implementation at ALL intersections (busiest and highest-speed first), and increase the fines for violations astronomically because there would be no excuse. - Robert
[I don't see the flashing green as exacerbating anything. It's just additional warning for the driver, which makes sense. The driver has all the time they could possibly need to evaluate their position on the road and stop or proceed safely. Readers have said this system is used in Canada and Mexico, and if it's already in use, it should be evaluated by our highway engineers. Surely statistics are available there that can be looked at. They should at the very least not be rejected out of hand. Maybe a trial run at particularly dangerous intersections might be a good way to test it.]

Re: Cellphones

Everything is about perspective. If you lived at the Jersey Shore, especially in the summer, you’d probably feel differently about a person’s right to distractions in an already information-rich (to be polite) driving environment. - Cheryl in New Jersey
[I've never condoned or defended distracted driving. My point has been that the figures quoted by the State of California show such an absurdly low impact that they can not in good conscience be used to justify new legislation. Would you agree to a ban on car radios or CD players? How about a ban on children in the car, or a ban on eating? The state is taking the time and trouble to gather the statistics. If they could show a real problem, there would be no place for disagreement. When the best they can show for their efforts is that only .119% of accidents, and .046% of deaths MAY BE attributable to cellphones, I say that isn't good enough to enact legislation over. That is not a demonstrable hazard in my view. Chance alone could easily account for such tiny percentages.]

Sometimes readers have embarrassing moments that no one witnesses. Here's one. Thanks for the laugh.

I had been working for the county for about a year and knew my co-worker D vaguely. We had exchanged maybe half-a-dozen words. Our paths didn't really cross much. No big deal.

I get home from work the day in question, check my mail, and find a nice invitation-type envelope with D and a couple of other people (his wife and daughter, I would find later) on the return address. I open it, it's an invitation to a bride/groom shower. (Note: at this point, I'm not seeing a name for the bride and groom so I don't know who this is really for. The reason for this is that the inside of the invitation card has a castle motif and, as I realise later, you have to pull down the drawbridge to see where their names are hidden. Back to the story...) I'm starting to get upset. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Is this some kind of cheap ploy for gifts or what? And where did he get my address? My *PRIVATE* home address? I'm getting pissed!!

I'm ready to go file complaints with HR and the union and everyone I can find up to and including the County Board of Supervisors 'cause this guy I don't even know has invaded my privacy. I'm completely livid. WHERE THE F--- DOES HE GET OFF INVITING ME TO A SHOWER FOR (at this point I notice the drawbridge and open it)... K... and... J... <pause> (in a sheepish tone) Oh yeah. J *did* tell me that his dad works for the county when I started working here... Um...

I still get embarassed that I was *that* pissed over something that trivial. <grin>

Todd Grant
Monterey, CA

I owe this reader an apology. He sent this in to me several weeks ago when McDonald's was a hot topic, and somehow it was buried in my mailbox and I didn't publish it at the time. Sorry, David. Here is your belated 15 Minutes of Fame.

First I'd like to say that although the McDonald's coffee may have been hotter than coffee you buy at, say, Burger King, there seems to me to be one little detail that all your commenters forgot: it was HOT COFFEE!!!! The woman put it BETWEEN HER LEGS!!!! She sued McDonald's, reportedly only to get them to pay her hospital bills -- because she burned herself on HOT COFFEE that she put BETWEEN HER LEGS!!!! Clearly, from the comments you posted, many members of our society don't believe in holding people accountable for their actions. Personally, I think that if you pee into the wind, you should expect to get wet...

On a related note, here's my contribution to the conversation:

Here's my solution to the quandary we find ourselves in with respect to tort reform.

The problem is that we don't want to encourage powerful entities to continue to take advantage of the ordinary consumer. That's why we have certain laws and (sometimes outrageous) punitive awards.

The corollary problem is that we don't want people filing outrageous lawsuits, aided and abetted by unscrupulous lawyers - filing because they have nothing to lose and plenty to gain.

Big business would have us believe that punitive awards should be done away with altogether. Trial Lawyers would have us believe that no innocent parties ever pay these kind of claims simply to avoid publicity.

Here's what we do: we don't allow the plaintiffs or the lawyers access to the punitive portion of the judgment. This only makes sense; they are still compensated legally and fairly. The punitive portion of the judgment goes to pay the city, county, state or national debt, or to some other referendum-based fund.

People still sue when they are wronged, to be compensated and to punish the evil-doers; but the ones who sue only on the off-chance of a multi-million dollar windfall don't.

Big business is happier because many fewer of these kinds of lawsuits are filed. The vanishingly small portion of honest trial lawyers are happier because in a truly wrongful case, they can still be compensated and help punish the wrongdoers. The public is happier because the built-in increase in the price of goods and services is diminished. Who's not happier? Those unscrupulous businesses which can still be punished heavily for their behavior, and those trial lawyers who make millions and millions of dollars preying on the results of other people's misery. - David

Questions? Comments? Want to contribute a joke or a quote or an image? Feel free to e-mail at reallygoodquotes@.... We'd love to hear from you! We'll even publish your comments, if they make any sense!

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

Some of the greatest discoveries of mankind have come about by accident or by observation of something unexpected. We got Penicillin because someone served Dr. Fleming a sandwich on rye bread. He didn't eat it, it got moldy, and the mold killed bacteria. Voila! Penicillin. Newton supposedly got smacked in the head with an apple and thought up gravity as the reason for it.

Even "Scotch-Guard", the stuff you spray on furniture to keep stains off happened by accident. A lady researcher at 3M was wearing canvas shoes and spilled some chemical on one of them. Weeks later, she noticed that the shoe that she spilled the chemical on remained clean, while the other was dirty. And so, Scotch-Guard was born.

Now another accident may herald a new drug to fight AIDS. It seems that a scientist named May Nyman, working at Sandia National Laboratories in New Mexico, was investigating why filters that were supposed to remove radioactive waste from liquids at a nuclear power plant were getting plugged up early, before a significant amout of material passed through them.

Now it seemed that when I was a kid, it was the boys that loved to get into gunky, wierd, smelly things and wonder what they were all about, but this lady started poking about in these filters. It turned out that a manufacturing defect in that batch of filters was the cause, but she thought the crystalline structure of that batch was interesting, so she decided to try to make another batch.

Well, she did, and it turns out that the material is of a class of materials called HPA's. These substances have an unusual ability to bind to a virus, making it difficult or impossible for that virus to attack other cells. Scientists have known this for a long time, but most HPA's only work in an acidic solution, so they won't work in the body. Nyman's HPA works in a neutral solution, however, and that means that it potentially could work within the human body. Doctors involved in AIDS treatment are fascinated by this discovery, and they're fairly certain that it'll have low toxicity to a person. Besides AIDS, there are many other viruses it might be effective against, so this could be really, really important for humankind if it works. Three cheers for May Nyman!

I love hearing about how people can take something weird or unexpected and turn it into something useful, sort of like Rumplestiltskin spinning straw into gold. I mixed up a batch of glop of some sort when I was a kid and flung it up into the garage rafters, where it stuck like glue for at least ten years until we moved away. Maybe I outta go back to that house and dig that stuff off and see. Who knows? I might have made a new adhesive that could be worth millions! I remember it was hell getting it off my hands!

Experimentally,

Bruce

Re: Unsubscribe

I enjoy the quotes, but there is too much other stuff to wade through. Sorry to be so selective, but my laughter is rationed - Donald

Sorry Bruce; Just to let you know I didn't realize I would be getting mail from you daily.. I really don't have that much spare time.. I was just looking for a quick few quotes here and there for a chuckle. - Tammy
[Any feedback from other readers on this? Is there too much to RGQ? I have actually considered going to three days a week instead of daily. Reader comments are welcomed.]

Re: Cellphones

Bruce,
In your reply to a comment on 9/2, you said the below:
[....If the state can't show that cellphones are a hazard, they ought to leave things the hell alone. If anything, they should look at the statistics from New York in a year or two and see if the ban on hand-held phones had any impact at all on their highway safety. I hate the quick-fixes that politicians rally behind without any knowledge at all of whether it will do anything for the public.]

I am going to have to tell you that in this case, the NY state "ban on hand-held phones" isn't going to have any impact on highway safety. The reason isn't that people are just as careless without the phones, it's that NOBODY is ENFORCING the law! On my 20 minute drive to work everyday, I see at least 10-20 drivers talking on cell phones (and not the legal way, with a hands-free set, but in the illegal way, having the phone plastered to their ear and only 1 hand on the wheel). Of these same drivers, the majority of them are driving slower than the regular flow of the traffic, and at least half of them swerve partially out of their lane at least once while driving (you can usually guess which are talking on the phones long before you can see in their windows, just by their erratic driving). Usually, the swerving occurs while there is no traffic in the lanes next to the erratic driver, but the number of occasions that I've witnessed in the past few months where accidents have been prevented only by the quick actions of the cell-phoner's fellow drivers are too many to number.

I have yet to hear of one person that has been ticketed for the illegal use of a cell phone while driving, and the papers have not made any statements about police doing anything of the like, either. Statistics can't help in situations like these, and may even be invalid when people don't report accurately. I'd be interested in finding out exactly how the California Highway statistics you reported a while back were actually gathered....in how many instances can you actually determine whether or not a cellular phone was the cause of an accident? If it's simply from reports of the individuals involved, I'm sure people at fault would much rather blame their accident on fiddling with their radio or tending to a child than to being a negligent driver due to a cell phone....in fact, their increase in insurance is much more likely to be less if they do so.

I'm not saying cell phones are the biggest cause of accidents. Not even close. As you've pointed out, nearly everything else tends to come ahead of cell phones in the polls. But if we can start enforcing something as visible as a person holding a cell-phone to their ear and seeing a drop in cell-phone related accidents, maybe it'll open the doorway to enforcing other, more dangerous practices (such as personal-hygeine-related activites, or even unsafe eating/drinking practices (such as eating a bowl of cereal or soup on the DC Beltway, which I've also seen!)). - Ross
[Normally, a piece this long would have been used as 15 Minutes of Fame, but I don't reply to those pieces. I just let the reader sound off about what they want to say. You prefaced this one by relating it to something I said, so instead it wound up here in reader comments, long though it may be.
You seem to advocate using anecdotal evidence of "that asshole with the cellphone" as a basis for enacting legislation that can cost drivers a lot of money in fines and insurance increases. You admit that the percentages of accidents and injury that are statistically demonstrated are infinitesimal, but you turn the blame to the statistics gatherers. How can anyone do what you suggest, which is to enact and enforce a ban and see if there is a drop in cellphone accidents, if you have no baseline of statistics to compare any reduction to? I don't know if that's what you're advocating, but there's no way that I see that as fair. New legislation should be based on the need for it, and not just a knee-jerk reaction to something.
What makes you think California would have more success enforcing a hand-held cellphone ban than New York has had? I don't have all the right answers, and I'm not pretending I do, but I reprinted the statistics that the California Highway Patrol released to the news media on distracted driving. All I did was figure the percentages so that it could be put into some rational perspective. You all saw the numbers, and anyone with a calculator could have checked my math (in fact, I'm sure some of you did!). I believe it is incumbent on the state to prove a need before just outlawing things in a feel-good frenzy. We are told this is a free country. Show a need for it, and I'll be the first to agree with it.
Sorry, Ross, but I stand by my original comment. If the state can't show that cellphones are a hazard, they ought to leave things the hell alone.]

Re: Spain and Childish Fun

Bruce Wrote: Sometimes I think we all could use a little childish expression in our lives, that kind of fun that we're just too "grown up" or too "old" for. It's definitely on my agenda the next time I visit España! Oh yes, there is no doubt in my mind there will be a next time.
This reminded me of one of my favorite quotes. I don't remeber who coined it (it may have even been me). "The point is to be childlike, not childish" Works for me anyway. - Faith

Everything is such fun! A recent WalMart ad showed an insanely laughing female saying (gist) "I love shopping at WalMart! It's such fun!" There is a mop that makes it lots of FUN to mop your floors, and a machine so advanced that mowing your grass is great fun! (gord!) If everything is fun, how do you know? - Oren

Mellie decided to grace us with her most embarrassing moments. They're great! Thanx, Mellie!

Hi, my name is Mellie and I was a waitress for 25 years. Here are my two most embarrasing moments.

While working the bar run in an all night resturant, I got sat a table of two young women and one man. As I finished taking their order, the ladies decided to order some appetizers. I looked at the man and asked him, "Would you like an appetizer?"

He replied in a sarcastic but humorous tone of voice, "I'll just have a bone." I started to walk away to get their drinks, when I was called back. One of the ladies wanted some Ranch dressing to dip her fried zuccini in. The other one then asked for some Bleu Cheese for her chicken wings. I turned to the man and asked him, being the contientous waitress that I am, "Would you like something to dip your bone in?" They thought it was hilarious, and I turned beet red. I really didn't mean it the way it sounded. I got a huge tip, since they said they had never had such a good laugh in a resturant before.

One day I was working a very long, hard Sunday morning shift. I looked toward the lobby and saw only one man left waiting to be seated. Thank God, the day was almost over! It had been a really rough, discouraging day, and I was in an unusually bad mood. But I'm the curious type no matter what my mood.

As I was taking out some food for one of my other tables, I noticed that the man had been sat in my section. I delivered my food and went to greet him. As I was standing at the table, I noticed his arm was taped up REALLY tight. Well, he knew what he wanted, so getting his order only took a moment. After writing it down, I asked him if I could ask him a question. He said, "Sure."

"Why do you have your arm taped up so tight?"

He raised his arm above the table where I could see it. It was an artificial arm!! Good thing he had a sense of humor, cause when I get embarrased, I giggle. My bad mood was gone after that!! :-)) Mellie

Come on, readers! Send in your 15 Minutes of Fame pieces. Got something to say? Now's your chance to say it!

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

I got a lot of reaction to the two unsubscribe comments I ran yesterday, which I've printed in the comments section today. I'd like to thank every one of you that took time to send me your feedback on this. It quickly became obvious that my readership is divided into two distinct camps...those that want to engage in the give-and-take, and those who don't. Most of the time, this creates an impossible situation, but I listened, and actually came up with a solution, of sorts and I've started it today.

I decided to rearrange RGQ. I have grouped the quotes, the joke, Life Sentences, and Image'n That together, so that a reader can get all of that in one section, without having any of the other features in between. I placed Reader Comments, 15 Minutes of Fame, My Most Embarrassing Moment, and Rumors 'n Myths at the end, so that those that choose to read further can do so and not lose any content.

When people buy a daily newspaper, some go to the front page first, some to the sports, and others to the business section, but every one of them is still important to the newspaper itself. I hope these minor changes make it easier for those who don't want to get involved with the discussions, etc. to continue to enjoy RGQ, while not inconveniencing those who do.

You should be able to go straight to the jokes and quotes and stuff, and then just hit delete when you get into the comments if short and sweet is your preference. It was a minor change from my side, but I hope it makes things easier for those readers who want it short and to the point. I'm still asking for feedback on this! It's through your comments that RGQ has gotten better, and it will continue to improve as more ideas come to the table.

Solomonly,

Bruce

Re: Unsubscribes and Format Changes

about the 2 unsubscribes in today's mail. do not touch the content. do not change the daily status. in fact, just keep doing what youre doing and remember, i'm the most important person in my world and what i say goes. so there. and you can tell them i said so. rationed laughter -- i mean really! does he also ration the "bad" in his life?- the duck

KEEP 'EM COMING DAILY!!!! - Harry

Bruce, Stick with a few quotes and a few cartoons & jokes. I don't need editorializing, keep politics out of it! Thanks, Joe

I don't have a lot of time to read emails each day, either. But rather than suggesting that Bruce make his mail-out shorter or less frequent, I dropped some other, less important, less intelligent, less funny, and less "of-the- people" mailing lists and stayed with the best -- Really Good Quotes. If you don't want to read Bruce's publication on a particular day, just delete it. If you only like parts of the publication, scroll to what you do want to read. Or do like I did and drop something else. But please don't deprive those of us who want the full dose of RGQ daily. We love ya', Bruce. Don't ever change. And if you do like Really Good Quotes, please click on the link and rate the publication a 10. - Levon [Thanks, Levon!]

Bruce, All those people who complain and unsubscribe because your column is too long should be let go! Without a second thought! If your life is too short to enjoy a smile you're a very sad person and shouldn't be allowed to infect others with your dourness. It's great the way it is. Don't let the doofuses spoil it for the rest of us. - Lyn (doofuses? doofi? )

Yes Bruce there is a lot of content here--"Really good quotes" is a bit misleading as to the volume of material but when I can I read it all and if I don't have time ...then to the old mail pile it goes. I know some people have a hard time not reading mail though. - deb

RE: Reader Comment "I enjoy the quotes, but there is too much other stuff to wade through. Sorry to be so selective, but my laughter is rationed - Donald" - I worry about anyone who rations his laughter, don't you? Please don't let their assinine excuses change your style. We like you just the way you are. - Faith

re: your daily publication.......I realize that alot of work goes into your newsletter but I for one enjoy receiving it every day. Those who don't wish to read it every day.....delete without reading. - Helene

I luv your ezine - it's great. Your readers who said it's huge are quite right - it is. But that makes it worthwhile. If today's quotes don't grab you, there's something that will. Maybe going to 3 days would be good, if only so you don't get burnt out & we get to enjoy your mailings for longer!! Whatever anyone says about the size or content, it really comes down to one thing for me - I enjoy RGQ cos it is INTERESTING!!!!! thanx & keep up the great work - t-l

Bruce, I think that three days a week would be great! I really enjoy your newsletter, but I also don't have alot of spare time. By the way, thanks for not going political on me! I liked the article today on inventions...Diana
[This is what I was referring to all the time with "issues-oriented"]

Hello Bruce:
I would like to congratulate you on the excellent job you are doing. Since you are asking for feedback from the readers, here is my two cents worth.
Your quotes and the joke are very good, and also fit into the stated objective of the group (the joke is not part of the stated objective, but goes with the general motif of humor). I feel that, when you get into the other areas (cell phone usage, discovery of new drugs etc), the content loses focus. You also seem to give too much importance to the "dissidents".
You are the owner of the group, and if people don't like what you write, they can unsubscribe. While it is perfectly understandable for you to ask for feedback and perhaps act on it, there is no reason to post these messages for the whole group to read.
[Regarding lack of mail when there are no issues before the group], no news is generally good news. I, myself, have thoroughly enjoyed your quotations and jokes, and even forwarded some of them to my friends ( e.g.Pincus Fucktus), but I did not write to you to express my appreciation.
If it is a choice between reducing the frequency of your mailings or reducing the daily content, I would much rather you did the latter. While the debates on different subjects are good, they don't hold the interest of the majority of the readers who are not actively involved in the debates. And, if they majority do get involved, you will have a hard time maintaining peace.
I am really impressed by the time and effort you are putting into this group. Please do keep up the good work. with best regards - V Ramesh

Re: Reader's Own Quote

This isn't a quote, except from me, but it is what I created about 15 years ago: Singleton's Law "You can teach people to read, but you can't make them read."

It popped into my mind after I had written out detailed instructions on how my return ticket to the USA (from Senegal) was to be handled. When my ticket was returned, it was not what I had written. I asked the secretary about it and she replied "This is the way we always route people to the U.S." I replied "I bought this ticket with my own money and I can return to USA the way I want and not by the office rules." She reluctantly changed it. Since then, I've had many experiences of writing out instructions only to have them ignored. Thus the Singleton Law. - Ralph

Re: Cellphones

re: cell phones......let's face it....it's not the phone that's causing accidents....it's lack of concentration to one's driving, whether it be the phone, kids, radio, you name it, they'r all diversions that take away attention to driving. I often drive one hand without doing extra activities and I've yet to get into an accident and I've been driving for 25 plus years. - Helene
[If the state believes the phones are a hazard, let them show it. I'm certainly in favor of anti drunk-driving laws, and clearly we have to have red lights to control traffic or streets would be in chaos. But drunks are a demonstrated hazard, and there is no dispute about that. Cellphones are a perceived hazard that may or may not be an actual problem. That's why I think the state has an obligation to study it and show that there is a problem that needs correcting or leave it be. Have you ever seen those lists of absurd laws enacted in one place or another? Every one of those laws came about because the people who make the laws chose to legislate against something without thinking it through or taking time to find out if it was really necessary.]

Re: La Tomatina

Bruce, I was at La Tomatina last year, and it was an absolute blast! I'm not sure your comment was right about people peeling off their shirts - there is no choice when a bunch of people decide to remove it for you! I had no idea it was going to happen, and judging by the stunned looks on many of the females at the event, I don't think they had any idea what was about to happen either!...*chuckle* You can find out plenty more about the event by visiting my travelogue - there's an entire section devoted to this festival,including several photos of the event. http://www.mooquack.com/odyssey/maillist/20010824.html - Trav.
[In that piece, I committed a grave error...the town is Buñol, not Bunol! To the English-speaker, there is no real difference. To the Spanish-speaker, it's a world of difference!]

Another reader with a great sense of humor rushing to humble herself before the world! I just love these stories because every one of us has them, even if most of us don't have the guts to acknowledge them to others! Thanks, Helene

I use body wash when showering, a little dab on my puff goes a long ways and I really like how it lathers up so much....I was in Wal-Mart, needed to get more body wash so I go in the aisle where it is. I see the brand I always buy and without looking I grab it, bring it home and attempt to use it the next time I'm in the shower. It wont lather up, I can't understand it, wonder what's going on and somewhat aggravated use another regular soap....next time I shower I try it
again and still no lather, what the heck is going on, think I'll let the company know how displeased I am about their product. The next time my daughter comes
home from college I ask her if she'd like the product....she looks at me and says, "mom.....I don't use this", I said "what, you don't use body wash????"

She begins to laugh at me, she says, "mom, did you read the label???" I must admit I had not.....after all it was on the same shelf as the body wash standing next to the other body wash products there, and it was the same color and texture as the body wash I use, upon reading it though, I soon realized that I'd been trying to bathe with hair gel......NOW I know why it wouldn't lather up. - Helene

The Rumor: Yahoo Is Going to Start Charging for Instant Messenger-

The Facts: This is a hoax. It's in the same category as eRumors that have said the same thing about MSN Instant Messenger and ICQ. There are no plans at Yahoo to start charging for their popular Instant Messaging service.

From www.truthorfiction.com

Re: Aspertame:
A week or so ago I ran a piece about aspertame. The rumor was that this sweetning agent that is used in diet soft drinks and other foods can cause MS and Lupus-type symptoms, among other things. The conclusion at www.truthorfiction.com was that it was unproven, and I suggested readers that do have those diseases, or symptoms of them, might want to stop consuming aspertame as a precaution.

One reader sent me several links, including links to two books on this subject, all apparently alleging that aspertame is a dangerous, and even deadly substance. I'll include the links here and let readers who are interested check things out in greater detail for themselves. It's certainly worth a look see if you, or someone you know is suffering from these types of diseases.

http://www.karinya.com/asparbook.htm

http://csf.colorado.edu/forums/pfvs/dec98/0047.html

http://www.channelu.com/Articles/Aspertame/

Come on, readers! Send in your 15 Minutes of Fame pieces. Got something to say? Now's your chance to say it!

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

I guess most of us ponder our own mortality from time to time. We may ponder our ultimate destination (heaven/hell), or we may consider what should happen to our earthly remains. Some of us may buy burial plots in advance to be near loved ones. Others may consider cremation as the most practical solution, perhaps having our ashes scattered over the ocean, or over some beloved piece of land. Perhaps there's some primordial appeal to the concept of returning our ashes to the earth in a form that may nourish.

It seems there's another alternative that's now becoming the rage. A company called LifeGem out of Elk Grove, Illinois has begun taking orders to remove the carbon from your cremated remains and then turn the carbon into graphite. The graphite is then sent on to a lab in Germany, where it is subjected to intense heat and pressure. After the appropriate amount of time, you pop out as a diamond!

The cost for turning you into a gemstone is about $4,000 U.S. for a quarter-carat stone. I guess someone that has a lot of carbon could get into the $16-20,000 range or more if they wanted all the graphite converted. The maximum size stone a person can become wasn't discussed in the source material I had access to.

This seems like a pretty neat idea to me, as long as you've got the extra bucks to spend. I mean, you could wear your wife or your husband around your neck or on your finger. In the case of a woman, it would give new meaning to the term "trophy bride". You can even do the same thing with your dog or cat if that strikes your fancy. If someone admires your ring, you can tell them who, or what, it really is! Actually, it seems a better use for cremated remains than the following scenario.

Imagine a woman who has recently lost her husband She has him cremated and takes his ashes home. She then picks up the urn that he is in, and solemnly pours him out on the counter, and then starts talking to him, as she traces her fingers gently through the powder.

"You remember that fur coat you always promised me, Irving?", she asks. Then she models a new coat in front of the ashes and says, "I bought it with the insurance money."

As she continues to gently stir the ashes, she speaks again. "Irving, remember that new car you promised me for years and years?" Then, as if in answer to her own question, she holds up a set of keys and says, "Well, I bought this with the insurance money, too."

A slight smile now crosses her face as she traces her finger once again through the ashes and says, "Irving, now I can finally give something back to you. Remember that blowjob I always promised you? Well, here it comes!"

Respectfully,

Bruce

Really and truely enjoy your articles!!!! First thing in the morning, sorry after I get my hot coffee sit down to the computer. If I can find the button to press,( with a foggy mind) Yep! there it is! One sip of coffee and I look for your page first on
the internet. Keep up the good work. Nanailee

Re: Format:

Now you've got it!!! PERFECT arrangement of RGQ. For some reason it seems to flow better with today's arrangement. I DO read to the end. To those who don't want to spend the time doing that I ask, "Ever try your scroll key?" I'll bet someone else fills their dinner plate and cuts the meat for them too. Let none of us forget that it's BRUCE'S project, to develop as he envisions it. Readers can take it or leave it. It's really all so simple. - Nonie
[Thanks for that comment, Nonie. Although it's greatly appreciated, there's a bit more to it than that in my view. You're right, of course. Ultimately, RGQ is what it is, and people are faced with the choice to either take it or leave it. At the same time, I can and will continue to listen to all sides.
RGQ has evolved with each issue, and that evolution has been fueled as much by reader comments and suggestions as by my own ideas. Yes, it is my project to develop as I see fit, and I've been doing that all along, but I don't have all the answers. By remaining open to suggestions and ideas that others may have to make RGQ better, more fun, and more appealing than it is, I leave a little room for creativity.
Rather than slamming the door on those that don't particularly like the back-and-forth discussions, I'd prefer to hear whether the recent changes made any difference in their views. Remember that I don't publish unsubscribe comments to mock those who are leaving, but to get feedback from those remaining to see how they view what was said. It was unsubscribe comments and the reactions of others to them that led to yesterday's change, so they can be a positive force.]

Re: Revenue Enhancement

It's not just the red light cameras that make money... where I live you have to pay Really Close Attention to the speed limit signs! On a straight road, two miles of it is 45mph (72kph)- then for a block <yes, ONE BLOCK!> over a small flyover bridge it's 35mph (56kph), and then, lo and behold, after that it's 45! Just coincidence? I think not. The first and last week of every month you will find the traffic officer sitting on his motorcycle with radar gun in hand, and as you come over the bridge it looks like a disturbed ant nest, what with all the officers scurrying around and lining up their victims. Tuesday (day after Labor Day) was particularly bad. I know this road well and have seen this before, so I was on guard, but everyone else went buzzing around me and speeding over the hump till I was the only car on the road... and as I toodled gently up and over, the cop actually trained the radar gun at me (longingly), and then smiled toothily as I slowly went on my way. I figure that batch of speeding tickets had to number more than a dozen - and that was from just one light change! I can't believe that you need to slow down ten miles an hour just to navigate a flyover. Yep, easy money, don't you think? - Lyn
[I absolutely agree that speed laws in some cases are put there for revenue enhancement, and not safety. I am doing some research now for a piece on this, which I hope to offer shortly. This reader saw what was coming, I think!]
[Note: From now on, I'll try to put metric equivalents into things like speed, distance, and weight measurements, since the U.S. is the only country that is staying with the old British system, and many of my readers are from other countries.]

C'mon folks...send in those embarrassing moments so we can all get a laugh with you! You can even remain anonymous if you want!

We've received a lot of requests to look into a story about a resurrection that is said to have taken place in Nigeria. It was difficult to research because of being so far away and in a Third World country, but we've gotten the details and it is a fascinating story.

The pastor was in an automobile accident and later declared dead. His body was delivered to the mortuary and two days later was taken to a nearby church where an evangelist named Reinhard Bonnke was preaching.

At first, ushers and pastors blocked attempts to bring the casket into the church, but agreed to remove the body and lay it on a table in a lower room. As those around the corpse waited for the meeting upstairs to end, the pastor started breathing and over a short period awakened and sat up in a chair.

Skeptics say the doctors who declared him dead were not thorough and could have overlooked minimal signs of life. They don't think he was ever dead. Believers say two doctors and a mortician determined that he was dead and then he lay in a small coffin with wooden plugs in his nose (a tradition where he lived) for more than 2 days. Could it have been a planned hoax?

Even the skeptics say no...that all of those involved sincerely believe that it happened. Early versions of the eRumor said the man's body had been embalmed. The mortician told a researcher, however, that it was not. We've listed this one as "Only God knows."

For more details, go to:
<http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/raisedfromthedead.htm>

Another reader expresses his views. Dave Kelsen, here's your 15 Minutes of Fame!

Here's something that's fairly controversial: the whole school prayer subject. Many folks who want to make a comment on this subject start with a significant error - the notion that prayer is outlawed in public schools. This is not and has never been the case. What is considered unconstitutional is for school officials to initiate, lead or participate in (in an official capacity), student prayers. The rationale for this is simple. The public school system is supported by all citizens, as taxpayers; if the school officials are leading or officially participating in prayer, it can lead to oppression in lesser or greater degrees of those students who don't wish to participate for whatever reason. This is ordinary common sense: if you are teaching
your children at home to believe in specific ways, say, as a Sephardic Jew, and the prayer being led by the Principal conflicts with those teachings, when the child doesn't participate, he or she receives attention as a result. Generally, this isn't a big deal, but it can be.

It doesn't need to be; let students do as they wish, without official opprobrium or sanction. Keep the school out of it; it's not their job to participate in the religious training of our children. It's not the job of the taxpayer to provide a forum for religious training, or religious education. It is part of the job of the school system to
provide for education about religion; this is significantly different from proselytizing.
There are those who would claim that this is tantamount to teaching secularism. This is simply not true; the policy should be stated and understood, so that the students know that they are welcome to pray on their own - or in groups - but that the taxpayer-funded school system does not participate.

I have never heard of a student praying on their own on school grounds who has been told that they have to stop. Prayer has not been, nor should be, outlawed in public schools. But it should not be allowed to become a point of contention, at school, about conflicting belief systems.

Honestly; do you want the public school system teaching your children what to believe with respect to theology, or do you want to do that job yourself?

Dave Kelsen

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Greetings, Quoteaholics:

I got a speeding ticket the other day. 71 mph (114kph) in a 55 (88). The cop was nice enough to give me a break, and he wrote the ticket as if the limit there were 65 (106). He told me he gives people a 15 mph (24 kph) leeway there, but of course, I was 16 mph over the limit, so he pulled me over. Now that's not a big deal in my view, but it was enough to get me a ticket that likely will cost me quite a few bucks before it's over.

There was never any implication that I was doing anything unsafe. I admit that I was technically in violation of the law, as was virtually everyone else on the highway that day, but I was the unlucky schmuck with the lights in the mirror. The road was 2 lanes wide in either direction, with an empty lane between directions and a full-lane shoulder on each side. It was clear, it was broad daylight, very light traffic, and I was just minding my own business when the red-light reality check struck.

Several years ago I looked into speeding laws and found a fascinating webpage, http://metalab.unc.edu/rdu/sl-irrel.html. If anyone's interested, what you'll find there is a study from 1992 funded by the Federal Highway Administration of the U.S. Department of Transportation on the effects that raising and lowering speed limits has on driver behavior. Following is the abstract of that study. The emphasis in the paragraphs is mine.

"The objective of this research was to determine the effects of raising and lowering posted speed limits on driver behavior and accidents for non-limited access rural and urban highways. Speed and accident data were collected in 22 States at 100 sites before and after speed limits were altered. Before and after data were also collected simultaneously at comparison sites where speed limits were not changed to control for the time trends. Repeated measurements were made at 14 sites to examine short - and long-term effects of speed limit changes.

The results of the study indicated that lowering posted speed limits by as much as 20 mi/h (32 km/h), or raising speed limits by as much as 15 mi/h (24 km/h) had little effect on motorists' speed. The majority of motorists did not drive 5 mi/h (8 km/h) above the posted speed limits when speed limits were raised, nor did they reduce their speed by 5 or 10 mi/h (8 or 16 km/h) when speed limits are lowered. Data collected at the study sites indicated that the majority of speed limits are posted below the average speed of traffic. Lowering speed limits below the 50th percentile does not reduce accidents, but does significantly increase driver violations of the speed limit. Conversely, raising the posted speed limits did not increase speeds or accidents."

Now, this is an official study of the U.S. Government, number FHWA-RD-92-084, which concluded that changing speed limits doesn't impact driver behavior, but "significantly" increases violations. People should also realize that this is a study of human nature, not one of American roads or driving habits. I would bet that a similar study done anywhere in the world would yield similar results. Another major finding follows here.

"The majority of motorists select a speed to reach their destination in the shortest time possible and to avoid endangering themselves, others, and their property. In selecting their speed, motorists consider roadway, traffic, weather, and other conditions. The collective judgment of the majority of motorists represents the level of reasonable travel and acceptable risk. Prior research has shown that the upper region of acceptable risk is in the vicinity of the 85th percentile speed." (Emphasis mine.)

I really urge everyone to read this study, but the bottom line is this. They proved that changing speed limits doesn't affect driver behavior, but it does turn more people into violators. The study concludes that limits should be set by measuring the actual speed of drivers, and then using the collective judgement of the 85th percentile of traffic as that limit. What's wrong with letting the drivers decide? They do anyway! The problem is that if they did that, almost everyone on the road would be complying with the law instead of violating it. Guess what? No money for the state!

"Based on the sites examined in 22 States, it is apparent that the majority of highway agencies set speed limits below the average speed of traffic as opposed to setting limits in the upper region of the minimum accident risk band or about 85th percentile speed. This practice means that more than one-half of the motorists are in technical violation of the speed limits laws." (Emphasis mine.)

Now some of you might think I'm writing today's piece because of sour grapes. You may figure that since I was speeding, I deserved the ticket. Maybe you're right. But when any law is intentionally constructed so that more than half of the people (I'd bet it's 80% or more) are violating it, I believe the law itself is fundamentally flawed and needs to be examined closely. Before you condemn me too harshly, look at your own speedometer next time you're out on the highway, and ask yourself at the moment you realize you're speeding if you feel in any way unsafe.

There's so much more on this that I'm going to do more tomorrow, rather than make this column too long. It's long enough already!

Speedily,

Bruce

P.S. The study above was posted to the internet by a group called Reasonable Drivers Anonymous. I would heartily recommend that all of you poke around on their site at http://www.ibiblio.org/rdu/ to see the volumes of information they have posted. This is some good stuff, and will definitely open your eyes to the real reasons that laws are made as they are.

[See how boring it is when a day goes by and none of you have anything to say?]

I never would have suspected this about one of my readers!

Hey Bruce,
I love the column...keep it up!
My most embarassing moment took place when I was a freshman in high school. It was a long time ago, but I still cringe and laugh hysterically when I think about it.

I had a knee injury for the second part of my ninth grade year. With that, came the privilege of leaving class early and going to class late in order to ride the school's elevator. One morning, I was on the elevator by myself, as usual since the only people that used it were kids with injuries, etc. I was feeling a little gassy and decided that it was pretty safe to relieve myself in the elevator since the between period bell hadn't rung yet. Let's just say that the tiny space turned very unpleasant, very quickly.

The door opened at my destination and in front of me stood the Homecoming Queen and her three best friends. My stomach dropped and I could here my heart beating in my ears as I hobbled past them on my crutches praying they wouldn't notice. They entered the elevator and I continued down the hall thinking maybe they wouldn't. I thought I was in the clear until I hear our sweet Homecoming Queen scream, "You Shitbag!!!" down the hall to me followed by groans from her entourage. I had been found out as a farter.

Tom, USA