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The following are actual statements seen on various church bulletins:


The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of
Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full
choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace
Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr.
Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.


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