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More Groaners



The reason so few women are politicians is that it’s too much trouble to put
makeup on two faces.



With his platoon at attention, the drill instructor yelled, “All right! All you
dummies fall out.” As the rest of the recruits walked away, one man remained at
rigid attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with
the man, raising just a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said “Sure was a
lot of ‘em, huh, sir?”



Three buddies die in a car crash, and find themselves at an orientation in
Heaven. Each man is asked, “When you are lying in your casket and friends and
family are mourning, what would you most like to hear them say about you?”



The first man says, “I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and
family man.”



The second man says, “I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
father, and a school teacher who made a huge difference in children’s lives.”



The third man says, “I’d like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’ ”



The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the
family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.



A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?”
“No,” he replied. A whole lot of them begin with “If elected I promise…”



A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant. He
noticed that they had ordered one mean and an extra drink cup. As he watched,
the older man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the
fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number. Then the older
man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his
wife. The older man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands
folded in her lap.



The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would
allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn’t have to split
theirs.



The old man said, “Oh no. We’ve been married for 50 years, and everything has
always been, and always will be shared 50-50.”



The young man asked the older woman if she was going to eat. “Later,” she
replied. “It’s his turn with the teeth.”



Heard aboard a public transportation vehicle: “When you exit the bus, please be
sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you miss your step and hit your
head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”

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