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IN THE BEGINNING
In the Beginning, God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a
class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was
granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with a cease and
desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why
he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked
to be creative. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and immediately the
officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come
from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain
a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the
time. God agreed and said he would call the light “Day” and the darkness
“Night”. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said,
“Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.” The EPA agreed so
long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping
creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials
pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated
with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was
fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials
said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact
statement. After that there would be a public hearing lasting 10-12 months.
At this point God created Hell.
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