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Transcript of the new answering service recently installed at a
Mental Health Institute:

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the Mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's
maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.

For help with recovering repressed memories, press the number that
seems most right to you, perhaps 8. But don't press 8 just because we
suggested you press 8. Just let your inner knowledge tell you if 8 is
the right number to press now.

If you are neurotic, it doesn't matter which button you press as
you'll just get it wrong anyway. Besides we only use this system
because we don't want to talk to you personally.

For hypnotherapy, slowly press 9, 8, 7, 6,..... relaxing
more and more with each number, 5, 4, doing very well...4,
3........
Cheersz
zz
zzz
zzzz
zzzzz
zzzzzz
zzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz

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