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Lawyers: 99.9 percent of them give the rest of the profession a bad name.

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A pickpocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr.
Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thank you, your
honor. My client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few
minutes in the crowd. . ."

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The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl
wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went
out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he
could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying,
"Regret that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and
return the others."

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Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being
cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi,
were your red and blue lights flashing?" "Yes, sir, they were." "Did the
defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" "Yes, sir, she did." "And,"
looking at Judi, "what was it she said?" "She said, ‘What disco am I at?’"

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In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and
pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed,
the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the engineer insisted
that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth
for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done
it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations,"
the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under
cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's
that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was
lit!"

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The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students.
When she called on Little Johnny, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician," replied Johnny. "Really? And what's his best trick?" "His
best trick is sawing people in half." "Wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher. "Tell
me, are there any more children in your family?" "Yes ma'am, I have a half
brother and two half sisters."

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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier,
do you have change for a dollar? Solider: No, SIR!

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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his
doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first is a young,
healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged
businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The
third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you
want?" "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful
transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It
was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

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A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the seashore when a
huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified
woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to
return her beloved grandson. Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the
stunned child on the sand before her. The grandmother looked the boy over
carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens.
"When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

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Overheard in a computer shop Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will
they be compatible with my computer?"

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Lawyer: "Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your
husband with a bow and arrow?" Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the
children."

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My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the
service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't
enlist because he would have to be "de-furred".

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The opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", asked a diminutive lawyer,
appearing as a witness in one of the courts, what he did for a living. The
witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney.
"Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other.
"But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your
head."

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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a
three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before
the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon,
"and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do
not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise
king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's
daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the
king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."

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Little Johnny had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrin, had never
spoken. Johnny's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to
Johnny's plight, and would take Johnny with him whenever possible. One regular
bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elk's Club Saturday night
straight poker game. Johnny would sit on Grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as
Grandpa regularly cleaned out the town council members, local attorneys and
judges. One Saturday night, Grandpa's cards were running bad. Nothing was
working. For the first time, it looked like Grandpa's famous winning streak was
about to come to an end. Towards the end of the evening, furious at his run of
bad luck, Grandpa folded and threw his cards on the pot in disgust. Johnny
looked up at his grandpa and said, "You shouldn't have folded, Grandpa." Grandpa
was stunned. "Johnny, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've
ever spoken!" Johnny looked at Grandpa and said, "Well, up 'til now, you've been
playing just fine."

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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the
railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back
room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad
immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He
did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the
young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You really are a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in
there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was
in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't
have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied,
"Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that
case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

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World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any
strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the
new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal
question, "Attack or retreat?" The computer hums away for an hour and then comes
up with the answer YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer, "YES WHAT?"
Instantly, the computer responded, "YES SIR."

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A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped
by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she
said?" "Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer. There then followed a
long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it. "So," the first lawyer
continued, "Please, answer the question. What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went
to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?" "Nothing," said the witness. "No
one was home."

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A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 a.m.
The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing
the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor,
"Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's
the brig for you!" The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing
his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor
yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the
broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light
once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all
over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he
can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When
morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than
when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a
link!"

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Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right
to condemn a whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

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During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the
National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his
presiding chair, "Then we should have another article providing that no foreign
nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade."

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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his
lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you
told me about?" "It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside,
making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits
of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you
wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he
breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

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My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular
program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an
interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at
a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with
*remarkably* similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the
demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when
the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice,
"Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil
replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well,
humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon
pressing the keys . . . the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It
was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.

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While I'm not sure of the procedure now, when I was in the Navy, every so often,
you got umpteen shots, whether you needed them or not. The carrier pilot in
front of me as we passed thru the line asked for a drink of water after
receiving what seemed to be at least a dozen different needles. The Corpsman
asked if he was dizzy. "No, not at all," he replied. "I just wanna see if I'm
still water-tight."

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he
goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’" "But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing
was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic
controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy,
"That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as
everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After
about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy
quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

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A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call
upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open
casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow,
Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the
shell...the nut has gone to heaven."

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Back when I was in the Air Force, in the 50's, nicknames were used primarily to
identify formation members. For instance, I was "Panic". A four-plane formation
would make me "Panic Lead" while the other three planes would be "Panic 2",
"Panic 3", and "Panic 4". However, when we were not in formation, our ID was
simply the plane identification number: AF Jet 19555. Or, as we called it, "The
Triple Nickel." We all loved to fly that thing. As soon as we'd take off, that
was who we were, "Triple Nickel." I remember coming back one to Laredo AFB after
a cross-country flight. I contacted the tower and said, "Laredo tower, this is
Triple Nickel chromium plated stovepipe, space ace on base, boots down and
laced, like to bounce and blow!" Obviously the tower had heard that kind of
stuff before. They didn't even hesitate in answering, "Roger dodger, Triple
Nickel, chromium plated stovepipe, space ace on base, with your boots down and
laced. You've got the nod. Hit the sod."

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I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I
placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card
information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the
saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card
number and be on my way. Almost. Saleswoman: "Do you realize that the modem
you've chosen doesn't have sound support?" Customer: "What exactly does a ‘modem
with no sound support’ mean?" Saleswoman: "It means that if you go to a web page
that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it." Customer: "What
does the modem have to do with that?" Saleswoman: "Well, sir, the modem is what
connects your computer to the Internet." Customer: "So, you're telling me that
this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those
belonging to any sound application and filters them out?" Saleswoman: "Yes."
Customer: "How does it accomplish this feat?" Saleswoman: "I'm not technical
enough to answer that. Please hold." I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung
up.

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Jack had just bought his brand new Lexus and had driven it to his favorite
sporting goods store to do a little hob-nobbing with Judi, his favorite sales
gerbil. Judi happily greeted him as he walked in the door. They exchanged
pleasantries. He pointed out his new car (she did the requisite "oohs" and
"aahs"), and said he was going to look around the store for a bit before he
needed her help. Five minutes later, Judi came tearing down the aisle to where
Preet was looking over some jerseys. "Hey!!!" she shouted. "Some guys jumped in
your car and drove off with it!" "Oh my God! Did you try and stop them???" "No,"
she said, "I did *way* better than that. I got the license plate number!"

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