> > > At this time of year, I want to thank all of you who have taken the >time >and > > > trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. > > > > > > Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. > > > > >
> > > > > > > * Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it >can > > > remove toilet stains. > > > > > > * I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make >these > > > products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. > >
> > > > * I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick >from > > > the rat feces and urine. > > > > > > * I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes >cancer. > > > > > > * I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
>be > > > pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. > > > > > > * I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell >like a > > > water buffalo on a hot day. > > > > > > * I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me >with a > > > perfume sample and rob
me. > > > > > > * I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are >actually > > > Al Qaeda in disguise. > > > > > > * I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't >support our > > > American troops or the Salvation Army. > >
> > > > * I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial >a > > > number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, >Uganda, > > > Singapore, and Uzbekistan. > > > > > > * I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they >contain > > > will turn me
gay. > > > > > > * I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible > > > mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. > > > > > > * I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my >kidneys > > > and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. > > > > > > * I no
longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I >receive > > > my free replacement pair from Nike. > > > > > > * I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now >have > > > their recipe. > > > > > > * I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
>looking > > > out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I > > > forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five >minutes. > > > > > > (I don't remember that
in the Bible.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who >is > > > about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). > > > > > > > > > > > > I no longer have
any money at all, but that will change once I >receive > > > the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating >in >their > > > special e-mail program. > > > > > > > > > > > > Yes, I want to thank all of you soooo much for looking out for
me >that I > > > will now return the favor! > > > > > > > > > > > > If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the >next 70 > > > minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 >PM
>(CST) > > > this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, >causing you > > > to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually >happened to > > > a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second >husband's > > > cousin's beautician! > > > > >
> > > > > > > Honest!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Some past photo shown on the S4S homepage may be viewed again. Y! displays them in the groups photo file. Click Photos; click the Yahoo!... album. (It's not finished should read Yahoo Photos album.) Within the Yahoo Photos Album you'll see some of the homepage photo's displayed. Everything may be looked
at again or to download as wallpaper, screensavers or email attachments, for your appreciation and pleasure certainly.
http://members.tripod.com/s4s_group/Index.html for s4 family members to use for a more of an s4 memorial, tribute, commemorative site and some other neat stuff (an interview with elf, too).
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/s4s2/ the archive group for saving our Zigi Posts & the deep thoughts, comments & lifechanging news of our members.
It was quite pleasing and more pleasant for you to be with the S4S family.
Please, do return soon. We enjoy and love your presence and participation with this family.
Mike.
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Humor for the Thinking Person
(For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.)
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
6. If I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" would I defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do Forest Rangers go to "get away ! from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the! rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
35. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Railroads to Space Shuttles
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English
expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who
built
the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and
tools
that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well,
if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break
on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's
the
spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and
England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had
to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots
were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of
wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is
derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war
chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done
it
that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be
exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made
just
wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are
two
big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.
These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by
Thiokol
at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would
have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be
shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel
in
the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel
is
slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you
now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the
world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two
thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little
better.
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek
counseling.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Horn broken...watch for finger.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
So many cats.... So little time.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Bill Clinton 99% Fact Free
Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many
into a traffic jam.
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with
that.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Take me drunk, I'm home.
Life is like a straw, it sucks.
Don't delay, paint today
I drive like this to piss you off!
"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't
Matter"
Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
I may be slow but I'm in front of you.
Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
DANGER: I drive like you do!
Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat
cause kids.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks your an ass hole.
I don't drive fast I fly low
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
If you can read this you're in range.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your actions.
It's not the size of the boat that matters, it's the motion in the
ocean.
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get
you.
Study long study wrong.
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
My karma ran over my dogma.
I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So
they wouldn't shit on stage.
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
Everything Is Somewhere.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure...
I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
Clean up America. Shoot a redneck!
I 'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick
my head that far up my ass.
House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?
I left the womb for this
I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
If you can read this, I am parked.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
I'm objective; I object to everything.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Life is a terminal disease.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
There are those who have little and give it all. These are the believers in life and the bounty of life and their coffers are never empty. Kahlil Gibran: The Prophet
There are those who have little and give it all. These are the believers in life and the bounty of life and their coffers are never empty. Kahlil Gibran: The Prophet
Do you think a thumb in the mouth would build up the pressure?
Mary
--- In apainintheass@yahoogroups.com, Michael LeDoux
<deriddermike@y...> wrote:
> Q. Why don't women fart?
> A. They can't keep their mouths closed long enough to build up the
required pressure!
>
>
> Mike.
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
> http://mail.yahoo.com
Do you think a thumb in the mouth would build up the pressure? Mary
--- In apainintheass@yahoogroups.com, Michael LeDoux <deriddermike@y...> wrote: > Q. Why don't women fart? > A. They can't keep their mouths closed long enough to build up the required pressure! > > > Mike. > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around > http://mail.yahoo.com
Mike.
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'Farting Saucers'
THE FUNNY SITE OF THE DAY -- Aliens from outer space or, perhaps,
aliens from outside the boundaries of good taste are captured in what
appears to be home movie footage taken at an amusement park where the
noxious creatures in bumper cars induce rump-- er, farts. See the two-
minute movie at Contagious Media. It shall be music to your rear.
Toot thumbs up!
I'm too pooped to write anything else.
site=http://fartingsaucers.contagiousmedia.org/
I got a compliment today. Well..... it was just from the phone company, but it was a compliment none the less. They called me up, and told me that I had an "oustanding account". Wow! Is it nice to be noticed or what!!!!
__________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around http://mail.yahoo.com
I got a compliment today. Well..... it was just from the phone company, but it was a compliment none the less. They called me up, and told me that I had an "oustanding account". Wow! Is it nice to be noticed or what!!!!
__________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around http://mail.yahoo.com
Mike.
Discover Yahoo! Get on-the-go sports scores, stock quotes, news more. Check it out!
I found a charge for 128 dollars in fees for bounced
checks on my account. It was an obvious error on their
part. So I called them tonight (a 24 hour service)
and just lost an argument. I wanted them to fix the error,
get rid of the fees and pay me 100 dollars an hour for
my time. If they can charge me for an error, why can't
I charge them? I finally settled for no fee and no error.
But one day I will win this one. Is there a class action
suit in this?
Mary
There are those who have little and give it all. These are the believers in life and the bounty of life and their coffers are never empty. Kahlil Gibran: The Prophet
I found a charge for 128 dollars in fees for bounced checks on my account. It was an obvious error on their part. So I called them tonight (a 24 hour service) and just lost an argument. I wanted them to fix the error, get rid of the fees and pay me 100 dollars an hour for my time. If they can charge me for an error, why can't I charge them? I finally settled for no fee and no error. But one day I will win this one. Is there a class action suit in this? Mary
Mike.
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John & Mary's Big Deal
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door
I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why
would I
want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars;
and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.
Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants
is
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave
town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got
the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last
year,
and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if
you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll
get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a
twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?
John: "Hank has certain connections."
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance?
And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass.
Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,
that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward
you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining
the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of
Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
1) Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you
leave town.
2) Use alcohol in moderation.
3) Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4) Eat right.
5) Hank dictated this list himself.
6) The moon is made of green cheese.
7) Everything Hank says is right.
8) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9) Don't drink.
10) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11) Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's
handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're
different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.'
That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 say 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and
item 8 says Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone
knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2,
and
6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain
wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2.
As far
as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made
of
rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from
out of
space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon
came
came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes,
but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the
list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank
dictated
it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than
saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments.
It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need
for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up
in it would be out of the question?"
Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this.
La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would
eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one
of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit
out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll
kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
There are those who have little and give it all. These are the believers in life and the bounty of life and their coffers are never empty. Kahlil Gibran: The Prophet
>>1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I > know >> >> >>where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my > crotch >> >> >>when >> >> >>I ask where the toilet is? >> >> >> >> >> >>2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire >> >> >>room >> >> >>for >> >> >>the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the >> > channel >> >> >>manually. >> >> >> >> >> >>3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it > too". >> >> >>Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? >> >> >> >> >> >>4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course > it >> > is. >> >> >>Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people > do >> >> >>this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! >> >> >> >> >> >>5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No > Loser, >> > I >> >> >>paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. >> >> >> >> >> >>6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give > me >> > a >> >> >>choice there, did ya sunshine? >> >> >> >> >> >>7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, >> >> >>then >> ! >> >>there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, >> >> >>then >> >> >>there >> >> >>must have been something before it, couldn't be new. >> >> >> >> >> >>8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the > longest >> >> >>damn >> >> >>thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? >> >> >> >> >> >>9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus > come >> >> >>yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? >> >> >>
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What's the funniest thing about Life?
Life itself!
I've been given 12 hours to think of something funny.
Yet in 68 years the funniest thing ive found so far
is life itself.
Just remember,IF YOU CAN LAUGH AT IT.
THEN YOU CAN LIVE WITH IT.
1. New Viagra Eye Drops.
{ makes you look Hard}
2.Hear about the guy who spent to much money buy Viagra?
{ Now he's Hard Up }
3. Next time, Buy Generic Viagra!
{ Ask for fix_ A_ Flat }
Thhhhhaaaats All Folk's
hehe oldwhale
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