cyberjoke3000 : Messages : 1556-1585 of 3489

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Talk about bizarre eBay auctions! Here's your chance to buy the original Hollywood sign! The auction looks legitimate to me:
http://tinyurl.com/9vnpd

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A young woman got a part-time job passing out candy samples at a local store. As she finished her first day, she ran into an old friend. Her friend said, "I heard you're getting married soon. Is it true?" "Sure is," she replied. "Next month." "That's great," said her friend. "What are you doing until then?" "Not very much," she admitted. "Just giving away free samples!"

"Hello, Sheriff's Office." "I wanna report my neighbor Virgil Smith. I think he's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you for the tip, sir." Deputies immediately descended on Virgil's house, searched his shed, found his firewood, and split open every piece but found nothing inside. As they drove away empty-handed, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil, it's Floyd. Did the sheriff's deputies come by yet?" "Yeah, they sure did!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah." "Happy birthday, buddy!"

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#1557

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Dec 5, 2005 6:35 am
Subject: December 5, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here, 2005 Japanese Yo-Yo Champion Takayasu Tanaka shows off his amazing freestyle skills. Personally, I had trouble with "walking the dog!" Check this out:
http://www.devilducky.com/media/37630/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A drunk, on his way home, accidentally staggered into a zoo and ended up in front of the hippopotamus cage. He cried, "Damn it, Mildred! Don't look at me like that. I can explain everything!"

Jack, Paul and Louie volunteered to raise money for their church by selling bibles. Jack and Paul were professional salesmen, but the pastor had doubts about Louie because of his speech impediment. The next Sunday, they reported their sales. Jack said, "I sold 20 bibles on behalf of the church." The pastor replied, "Fine job, Jack! The Church is indebted to you." Paul said, "I sold 30 bibles on behalf of the church." The pastor replied, "Splendid, Paul. The church is indebted to you." Louie silently handed the minister a large envelope. The minister counted its contents and rejoiced. "Louie, there's over $3,000 in here! Did you sell that many bibles in just one week?" Louie nodded. "Impossible!" cried Jack. Paul said, "We're professional salesmen. How could you sell 10 times more bibles than we did?" "It does seem unlikely," agreed the minister. "What technique did you use, Louie?" Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure. A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks or wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?!'"

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#1558

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Dec 6, 2005 6:55 am
Subject: December 6, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a strange but engaging web site with a simple premise: tell its host an emotion to convey and he'll post a photo of himself conveying it. Sounds rather dumb, doesn't it? And yet, the more I clicked, the more clever Eric seemed. Try it, but be sure to go at least halfway down the left column.
http://www.emotioneric.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Is it really premarital sex if you have no intention of ever getting married?

A six-year-old boy knocked at the front door. "Something of mine found its way into your garage," he said. "Can I get it back?" Opening the garage door, the homeowner noticed a broken window with a baseball-sized hole. Inside the garage, was the boy's baseball. "Now just how do you suppose your ball got into my garage?" asked the man. Taking a look at the ball, a look at the window, and a look at the man, the boy said, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole in your window!"

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#1559

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Dec 7, 2005 6:21 am
Subject: December 7, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Have you discovered The Museum of Food Anomalies™ yet? Raise your hand if you remember the potato chip lady on Carson's show. When was that? The 80's? This will remind of her:
http://www.hanttula.com/exhibits/freakyfood/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Most effective redneck pickup line? "Hey, nice tooth!"

Three men found themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first man, "What was your annual salary and your profession?" He proudly declared, "I made $250,000 a year as an attorney." "You may enter Heaven," said St. Peter. Then he asked the second man, "What was your annual salary and profession?" He proudly responded, "I made $150,000 a year as a realtor." "You may enter Heaven," said St. Peter. Then he turned to the third man, "What was your salary and profession?" He sheepishly mumbled, "My annual salary was $10,000." "Cool!" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

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#1560

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Thu Dec 8, 2005 8:07 am
Subject: December 8, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Michal Brichacek found this list of hilarious,
not-quite-what-the-webmaster-expected, domain names:
http://domainrookie.com/hilarious-domain-name-mispronouncings

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Evan was so excited about his first day at his new school that within minutes he desperately had to go to the bathroom. He politely raised his hand, asked permission, and hurried out of the room. After five minutes he returned, more desperate than before and said, "I can't find it." The teacher drew a little map and sent him off again. Five minutes later, he was back again. "I still can't find it!" This time, the teacher sent Little Johnny with him. Ten minutes later, they returned. The teacher asked, "Well, Little Johnny? Did you find it?" Little Johnny replied, "Yep. He just had his underwear on backwards!"

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They hit it off and Sharon invited him to her place where they had an energetic and passionate session in bed. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both laid back and snuggled. After only moments, Sharon started stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter asked, "Surely you're not ready for more already?" "No," she replied, "but once in a while I get nostalgic for the days when I had mine!"

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#1561

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Dec 9, 2005 7:33 am
Subject: December 9, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember when I recommended Fred Langa's newletter? Here's a tip from last week's issue at http://www.langa.com. Ever need to find something on Microsoft's web site, in particular its Knowledge Base? Their search is often difficult if not impossible. I usually find it faster by using Google, adding "site:Microsoft.com". But now Google has a special page devoted to Microsoft sites:
http://www.google.com/microsoft.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man and his father had stopped at a bar for just a few beers quite some time ago. The son slurred, "Dad, how can you tell if you're drunk or not?" His father replied, "Well, son, you see those two men over there? If you were drunk, they'd look like four men." "Dad, there's only one guy over there!"

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

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#1562

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:43 am
Subject: December 12, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Think your reflexes are getting slower? Here's a chance to test them with this reflex speed test:
http://www.happyhub.com/network/reflex/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

You know you really do have a weight problem when you get in the bathtub and the water rises in the toilet!

The soldiers were tired and lonely after weeks in enemy territory so the Major hired an erotic dancer from a nearby town. During her first number, she stripped down to her bra and g-string. As the dance ended, the soldiers went mad, clapping for five minutes. During her second number, she removed her top. The troops went mad again, clapping for ten minutes. For her third number, she stripped completely naked. The Major waited backstage, fully prepared to have to come onstage to quiet down the ruckus. But after her music ended, there was no applause at all. As she walked backstage, the Major asked, "What happened? Why was there no applause?" She replied with a grin, "Major, do you really expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!"

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#1563

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Dec 13, 2005 4:34 am
Subject: December 13, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Dave Wenger sends along this so-bad-it's-funny site The How-to-Do Girls teach Bikini Calculus! Who knew Jaime Lynn could teach?
http://tinyurl.com/dvuz2

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches just wouldn't be enough!

The blonde bowling team and the brunette bowling team went together to charter a double-decker bus for a big out-of-town weekend tournament. The blondes, of course, were seated in the better seats, on the top deck of the bus, while the brunettes were relegated to the lower deck. The brunette team was whooping it up and having a great time when they realized they hadn't heard a word from the blondes upstairs. The brunette team captain went upstairs to investigate and found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, and clutching the seats with white knuckles. She asked, "What's wrong? We're having a great time downstairs." Without taking her eyes off the road ahead, the blonde captain said, "Maybe so, but you've got a driver!"

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#1564

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Dec 14, 2005 6:27 am
Subject: December 14, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Cory Hamilton sends along an amazing video of some guerrilla gymnasts. Perhaps they're auditioning to be Hollywood stunt men? No nets, no special effects (but a lot of abandoned buildings!):
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=515642196227308929

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two teenagers were arrested yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, and the other for eating fireworks. Police charged one and let the other off!

One day, a bushman went walkabout and came upon a well. Curious about it, he peered inside but could not see the bottom. So he picked up a small stone and dropped it down the well. There was no sound. He then got a bigger stone and dropped it down the well. Again, no sound. Finally, he tried a huge stone, but still no sound. Spying a nearby log, he struggled until he managed to drop the huge log down the well, but there was still no sound. As he gave up, he saw a sheep charging him. He jumped out of the way just as the sheep flew past him and down the well. The puzzled bushman was trying to figure out what just happened when his buddy appeared. "Hey, mate! Did you see my sheep around here?" "No." The other bushman said, "Well, he can't have gone far, I had him tied to a log!"

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#1565

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Thu Dec 15, 2005 6:59 am
Subject: December 15, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

To me, the most consistently funny show on television is The Simpsons. Here are hundreds of great lines from the show:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096697/quotes

If you are curious about yesterday's video, CyberJokester Wallace Krebs tells me the sport is called "Parkour" in Europe or "Free Running" in the U.S. It combines running, jumping, climbing, and gymnastics with everyday obstacles. You can learn more about it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parkour
or just Google for parkour OR "free running"
http://www.google.com/search?as_q=parkour+OR+%22free+running%22

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two blondes were talking. "Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today." "Oh, really? How?" "They left a little note on my windshield that said, 'Parking Fine.'" "Aw. That's so sweet!"

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a TV evangelist. When he said all who wanted to be healed should go to their television set, place one hand on the TV, and their other hand on the body part they want healed, Grandma hobbled to the set, placed one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic shoulder. Grandpa got up, placed one hand on the set and the other on his crotch. Grandma scowled. "What are you doing, you old coot? He said 'heal the sick,' not 'raise the dead!'"

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#1566

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Dec 16, 2005 8:05 am
Subject: December 16, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Right after this site was featured on the NBC Nightly News, Dan Engberg emailed me its web address. During the Great Depression, the U.S. government's Farm Security Administration hired photographers to capture images of the common people. While most of us have seen the famous black and white shots from that campaign, of the nearly 175,000 photos taken, fewer than 2,000 were in color. Look at the amazing, historical, color photographs of just plain folks.
http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/boundforglory/glory-exhibit.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man said to his doctor, "I hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well, don't go there anymore!"

A man showed up in the emergency room with a terrible pain. The doctor examined him and said, "I usually don't pry, but this is so unusual that I simply must ask you, man-to-man: how in the hell did you end up like this?" The man replied, "Well, doc, it's kinda embarrassing but the truth is that last night, when I walked by my neighbor's trailer, I noticed through her open window something strange. She stuck a hot dog in a hole in her floor, sat down on it, and began to pleasure herself. Then I had the bright idea to pull that hot dog out from underneath and insert my manhood in there instead. Everything went fine until there was a knock at her front door and she tried to kick her hot dog under the stove!"

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#1567

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Dec 19, 2005 6:47 am
Subject: December 19, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I love competition! Remember Google Maps? You did try it out, didn't you? Regardless, it's too late now. This one you've got to see: Microsoft has trumped Google with (not just maps and aerial photographs but ) "bird's eye" photos! Evidently, they hired a plane to photograph everything--from all four directions! Not all the country is in their database yet, so your results may vary, but I was blown away by downtown Seattle, New York City, and more. Don't even try unless you have broadband:
http://local.live.com/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why does Santa Claus have the world's best job? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

One Christmas Eve, a young woman lost her job, had her car stolen, and her boyfriend cleaned out their bank account before leaving town with her best friend! She decided to end it all. She went down to the wharf and just as she was about to jump in, a voice shouted, "Stop!" She turned around and saw Santa Claus. "What's wrong?" he asked. She told him her story, and admitted she was there to commit suicide. "Your luck is about to change. I am, in fact, the real Santa Claus, not a fake mall Santa, and every Christmas Eve before starting my rounds, I help people in need. So, for you, young lady, I'm going to put your money back in your bank account, and when you get home your car will be there along with a telegram from your boss asking you to come back to work for more money than you made before, plus your boyfriend will be there begging you to take him back." "Oh, Santa!" she exclaimed. "Thank you! What a wonderful Christmas present. I wish there was some way that I could repay you." Santa replied, "Well... there is one thing that I haven't had in years..." and pointed below his big shiny belt buckle. She was surprised, but figured after all those favors, it was the least she could do. So she did. Afterwards, a pleased Santa asked her, "How old are you, young lady?" She replied, "22, Santa. Why?" "Ho, ho, ho. Aren’t you a little old to believe in Santa Claus!?"

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#1568

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Dec 20, 2005 7:33 am
Subject: December 20, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This isn't a web link, but it is good news. I just learned that you can get free directory assistance on your cell phone (or home phone) just by dialing 800-FREE-411 instead of just 411? Try it and let's split the money you save! <grin> I stored it in my phone with the name "411" and it now comes up first in my address book.

Here are some amazing pencil carvings by Mizuta Tasogare and Kato Jado. Click "next" at top of screen to see them all.
http://www.infofreako.com/jad/pencil/0list-e.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a baby sister." Santa Claus wrote back and said, "Okay. Send me your mother!"

Ms. Pelzner was curious as to how her students celebrated Christmas. She asked young Patrick Murphy what his family did. Patrick replied, "Well, Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass, sing hymns, come home real late, put mince pies by the back door, hang our stockings from the fireplace, and then go to bed to wait for Father Christmas to bring us all our presents." "Very nice, Patrick. Now how about you, Jimmy Brown? What do you do for Christmas?" "Me and my sister go to church with Mom and Dad, sing carols, get home late, put cookies and milk by the chimney and hang up our stockings. We barely sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring all our presents." Then she turned to Isaac, the class's Jewish boy. "Isaac, what does your family do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Every year, it's the same thing. We all pile into Dad's Mercedes, drive to his toy factory, look at all the empty shelves, and sing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas!"

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#1569

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Dec 21, 2005 6:55 am
Subject: December 21, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Bash.org is a highly edited collection of funny excerpts from various chat sources. While a small percentage of it is unoriginal, there was enough funny there to keep me laughing out loud until I couldn't see the screen. Irreverent and profane, but if you've ever been in a chat room or IM'd, I know you're going to laugh at these. Start with the Top 100 and then the next 100:
http://www.bash.org/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?" said the jolly mall Santa. The horrified child gasped back, "What? You didn't you get my email?"

A little girl gave her twelve-page “Dear Santa” letter to her father. He took her into the living room, set her down in front of their Christmas tree, pointed to the crèche, and talked about the baby in the manger, about gentleness, about love, about courage, about how these things come together every year in the hope and joy of Christmas Day. He concluded with, “Now sit here and think about what I’ve said. Then write another letter, this time to baby Jesus.” The little girl thought a while and then wrote, “Dear Jesus, I’ve thought about your story and I promise to be good for a whole year. Please see that I get toys.” She wadded it up. Not good enough, she thought. “Dear Jesus, If you make sure I get all the presents I want, I’ll be good for a whole week.” Still not good enough. She reached down, removed the figure of Mary and hid it in a shoe box in the back of her closet. Only then did she write her final letter: “Dear Jesus, If you ever want to see your mother again..."

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#1570

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Thu Dec 22, 2005 8:27 am
Subject: December 23, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Totally Absurd Inventions site features America's Goofiest Patents. These people spent good money and time to get real U. S. Patents on some of the dumbest things you've ever seen!
http://www.totallyabsurd.com/archive.htm

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Memo

From: Santa Claus

To: Residents of the Southern United States

I regret to inform you that this Christmas Eve I will not serve the South since my contract has recently been renegotiated by the Fairies and Elves Union, Local 11. I'm sure your children will be in good hands with the local replacement, my third cousin, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but since his side of the family hails from the South Pole, there are a few differences between us:

1. His sleigh has a gun rack and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers RC cola and moon pies. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. Instead, he dips snuff, so you may want to leave a spit can near the fireplace.

3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs. Once I loaned him a reindeer and now Blitzen's head is hanging above Bubba's fireplace.

4. Instead of "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...", Bubba Claus says, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. My "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw." And Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat."

6. As evidently required by Southern law, the back of Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle with the words, "Back Off."

7. Bubba has cancelled the usual Christmas movie classics like "Miracle on 34^th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life". Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit Xmas!" with dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other and starring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.

And finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. Be sure your wife and kids look away when he bends over to put your presents under the tree!

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#1571

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Dec 23, 2005 5:39 am
Subject: December 23, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's hoping that you and yours have a happy and safe holiday season. Personally, I'm going to have a Merry Christmas, celebrating it with extended family.

Over the years, I've shared much Christmas humor with you, but never archived it. Today's web site did it for me! Here's a link to much of that, plus even more, Christmas Humor.
http://www.kraftmstr.com/christmas/humor/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Why Santa Must Be a Man

He lives at the North Pole. All women require ambient room temperature high enough to cook a turkey, so there's no way any woman choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas, maybe.

He's fat and jolly. No one dares to describe any woman as "fat and jolly." If Santa was a woman, and you called her "fat and jolly," you wouldn't find coal in your stocking, you'd find a bomb!

He hangs out at the mall. Sure, at first glance this might seem to prove that he's a she. But, while both men and women go to malls, what does Santa do at the mall? He sits down! Do women ever sit at malls? No, women shop; men sit. Santa sits. 'Nuff said.

He walks on roofs. Women refuse to get on roofs! Have you ever seen a woman on a roof?

He likes milk and cookies. If he were a she, you have to leave dark chocolate and herbal tea by the fireplace. Or, if she was still sensitive about that whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she'd demand carrot sticks and water.He uses the chimney. What woman would crawl into a dirty, smelly chimney? A woman would carry a set of keys for every house and then not be able to find them in her purse.

He has reindeer. Reindeer are totally a guy thing: big, hairy, smelly, with huge antlers. No woman would use them. She would prefer a stretch limo.

See? Santa must be a man!

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#1572

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Dec 26, 2005 6:25 pm
Subject: December 26, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Dan Engberg recommends this interesting site of constructions made only of cans:
http://www.canstruction.org/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well hung!

Three co-eds got really drunk celebrating their college graduation. They woke up in a foreign jail and were shocked to learn they were to be executed that very morning! The redhead was strapped into an electric chair and asked if she had any last words. "I'm a Brigham Young graduate and I believe that God Almighty will intervene on behalf of the innocent." They threw the switch and -- nothing happened! The police prostrated themselves, begged her forgiveness, and released her immediately. The brunette was strapped in and pronounced, "I'm a Harvard Law School graduate and I believe the power of justice will intervene on behalf of the innocent." They threw the switch and -- nothing happened! The police prostrated themselves, begged her forgiveness, and released her immediately. The blonde was strapped in and said, "I'm a Texas A&M graduate with a degree in Electrical Engineering and I believe y'all ain't gonna 'lectrocute nobody if you don't plug this sucker in!"

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#1573

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Dec 27, 2005 4:38 am
Subject: December 27, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Holographic storage becomes reality. A CD-sized disc that holds 300GB and costs almost nothing? 240 hours of broadcast TV? Sounds good to me!
http://www.vnunet.com/vnunet/news/2146751/300-gb-disc-set-challenge-dvd
and
http://news.zdnet.com/2100-9584_22-5973868.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller!

A traveling salesman was horny and needed to put his 11-inch tool to use. He asked for the address of a good brothel and was sent to 365 E. West Street. By mistake, he went to a podiatrist's office at 365 W. East Street. He was met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform who directed him to an examination room, told him to get ready, and someone would be with him soon. He liked the idea of the table, the reclining chair, and was aroused by this place's unusual approach. When the doctor's gorgeous redhead assistant entered, she found him in the chair, his generous member in his hand. "Oh, my," she exclaimed, "I expected to see a foot." "Well," he harrumphed, "if you're gonna whine about a measly inch, I'm gonna take my business elsewhere!"

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#1574

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Dec 28, 2005 9:18 am
Subject: December 29, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"So? How's your love life?" "Oh, I'm holding my own."

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it. A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag." "Damn!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up." "Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and during tailgate parties, lots of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one sticks his thing out, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'" "Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?" "Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

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#1575

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Thu Dec 29, 2005 6:25 am
Subject: December 29, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Here's a site that lets you easily create a custom home page using easy drag and drop tools. If you create a page with ProtoPage, please send me a link. I'd love to see a polished version.
http://www.protopage.com/v2

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. St. Peter told him he had to pass a short test before he could get in. "Forrest, what two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, what is God's first name?" Forrest thought and thought. Finally, he was ready. "St. Peter, I think the two days in the week that begin with the letter T are today and tomorrow." The Saint's eyes widened. "Well, Forrest, that's not exactly what I was thinking, but you do have a point, so I'll give you credit for your answer. Now, how many seconds are there in a year?" "That one was harder," replied Forrest, "but I'm gonna say, twelve." "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd…" "Hold on," interrupted St. Peter. "I can see where you're going and, again, while not what I had in mind, I'll give you credit for that answer, too. Now for the third and final question: What is God's first name?" Forrest smiled, "It's Andy." "Andy? How in the world did you come up with the name Andy?" "Shucks, that un was easy," Forrest replied. "It says it in the song. "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own...." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run, Forrest. Run!"

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One is a snack cracker...

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#1576

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Dec 30, 2005 5:59 am
Subject: December 30, 2005

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Happy New Year! Here's hoping your 2006 is even better than 2005.

A friend and neighbor with a fairly new computer recently found himself in the same fix that I was in a while back: "XP could not start because this file is missing or corrupt...." It's something you'll never want to see, but it does happen. While it's possible to recover from this, your friendly tech support person will simply tell you to reinstall XP (which will wipe out all your data!). But that's not necessary. So here's a New Year's resolution: follow this link, print out the page, create the batch file they suggest on a CD, and keep both somewhere safe. Just in case!
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=kb;en-us;307545

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Poor Man's Security System: Go to a second-hand store, buy a large pair of used men's work boots, put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a large dog dish beside it. Tape this note to your front door: "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo. Be back soon. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they were just de-wormed!"

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

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#1577

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Jan 2, 2006 9:05 am
Subject: January 2, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I didn't mean to suggest that Friday's tip was the only way to repair XP. CyberJokester Chip Larouche reminded me of the easier way to (which I did try first, without success): Boot from your XP backup CD (you do have one somewhere, don't you?), choose Setup instead of Repair (even though you really want to repair and do not want to set up! Now there's some logic for you!). After accepting the license agreement, only then does it ask if you want to do a fresh install (and wipe out everything) or a Repair! Choose that Repair and it just might work. Who says Windows is needlessly complicated?! <grin>

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A defendant in a high-priced lawsuit told his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." His lawyer responded, "It's in the judge's hands now." "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of fine cigars?" "Oh, no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court." Within a few days, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As he left the courthouse, he told his lawyer, "Thanks for that cigar tip. It worked!" "Yeah, good thing you didn't send them." "Oh, but I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer. "Yep. That's why we won." "I don't understand," said his confused lawyer. "Look, it's simple. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card!"

Did you hear about the new film called "Anal Lesbians?" At least half of the film is women going through refrigerators, labeling stuff!

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#1578

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Jan 3, 2006 6:07 am
Subject: January 3, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Remember Alex Tew? Last October, I told you about how he was raising money by creating a Million Dollar Homepage? He's finishing up! It's your last chance to get in on one of the most amazing success stories I can remember. The last 1,000 pixels are now on eBay:
http://tinyurl.com/apjdw

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

What should you do if a Rottweiler humps your leg? Fake an orgasm.

One night, Boris absentmindedly kicked a bottle lying on the streets of Moscow and out popped a genie. "Master, thank you for freeing me! In return, I will grant you one wish, anything, anything at all!" Boris thought, "I do love vodka..." so he said, "I want to drink as much vodka whenever and wherever I want, so make me pee vodka." "Your wish is granted!" When Boris got home, he grabbed a glass and, what do you know: it was clear like vodka... it smelled like vodka... and, after getting up enough nerve to taste it, it even tasted like vodka, the best he'd ever tasted! "Natasha! Get in here!" He gave his wife a taste and Natasha agreed: it was the best vodka she had ever tasted, too. So they drank all night ...and the next night ...and the next. But on Saturday night, Boris told Natasha, "Grab a glass from the cupboard and let's drink vodka." She did. Boris peed in the glass and started to drink. Natasha asked, "But, Boris? Why only one glass? What about me?" Boris raised his glass and said, "Because tonight, Natasha my love, you drink from the bottle!"

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#1579

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Jan 4, 2006 7:41 am
Subject: January 4, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Looking for free online data storage? StreamLoad offers monthly downloads of 100MB and uploads of 10GB. They also have paid plans unlimited storage and higher download limits.
http://www.streamload.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

"Some girl on the street outside the bar just asked me if I was saved yet." "Yeah? What did you say?" "I told her 'I saved at the checkpoint a couple of minutes back and I can reload from there if I die.' She looked confused."

Bill was in the window seat on an airliner when another man sat in the aisle seat and put his dog in the seat between them. When Bill looked quizzically at the dog, the other man explained that they were both airline employees. "Rover's a sniffer dog, one of the best. After we're airborne, I'll show you." Once they had leveled off, the handler commanded, "Rover: search!" The dog jumped down, walked down the aisle, stood beside a woman for a few seconds, then returned to its seat and put a paw on his handler's arm. "Good boy!" He turns to Bill and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana. I've noted her seat number so the police can apprehend her on our arrival." "Impressive!" replied Bill. The dog returned to the aisle, sniffed a little, stood beside a man for a few seconds, then returned to its seat and placed both paws on the handler's arm. "Good dog!" The airline rep said, "That man is carrying cocaine. I've noted his seat number so the police can apprehend him on arrival." Bill was even more impressed. Soon Rover was back to work, went down the aisle, stood next to a man, and then raced back, jumped up on his seat, and pooped. Surprised and disgusted, Bill asked, "What the hell is this?" And the handler nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

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#1580

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Thu Jan 5, 2006 6:23 am
Subject: January 5, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Microsoft Research developed SNARF to be a "Social Network and Relationship Finder." Huh? It (semi-)automatically sorts and "triages" your email based on the previous relationships you've had with the sender. It indexes your Outlook folders to learn who you deal with and then prioritizes your Inbox to reflect your "social network." Disclaimer: I intend to try it, but haven't yet; if you have, please give me your feedback. There's a free download here:
http://www.research.microsoft.com/displayArticle.aspx?id=1365

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

Two deaf men on a coffee break were talking about how late they stayed out the previous night. One signed, "When I got home, my wife was asleep so I just slipped into bed without getting in trouble." The other signed back, "Lucky you. My wife was wide awake, sitting up in bed, waiting for me. She gave me hell for hanging out so late with you." The first signed back, "So? What did you do?" The second answered, "I turned out the light!"

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that U. S. automakers have been installing black box voice recorders in cars, SUVs, and pickup trucks for the past five years. Not surprisingly, the most common phrase uttered in the last seconds before a car or SUV crashed was "Oh, sh¡t!" while the most common phrase uttered in the last seconds before a pickup truck crashed was, "Hold my beer. Watch this!"

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#1581

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Jan 6, 2006 8:09 am
Subject: January 7, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Steve Giovanni sends along what has to be the best blonde joke ever:
http://attu.blogspot.com/2006/01/blond-joke.html

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man told his lawyer that he wanted a divorce. "My wife is twice the woman she was when I married her." "So why divorce her?" asked the lawyer. The man said, "Aren't you listening?"

A guy was hitchhiking and got picked up by a sexy lady. As he put the moves on her, she said, "Listen, you're cute and all that, but I feel I must warn you: I'm a witch." "Oh?" he asked, hesitantly. "And furthermore, I'm kind of new at witching so I don't have very good control over it." He thought, "Well, she is hot." but said out loud, "Uh, okay." She continue, "And I may just turn into something with no warning!" He only paused a moment before he said, "I'll take the risk." She was right to warn him because suddenly, she turned into a motel!

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#1582

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Jan 9, 2006 5:52 am
Subject: January 9, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Arif Malik shares a cool new site that creates a custom "radio station" that plays only music that is like music you request. Part of the Music Genome project, Pandora is free music if you register and don't mind ads or $4/month for no ads. It sure worked well for me.
http://pandora.com

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A man told his lawyer that he wanted a divorce. "My wife is twice the woman she was when I married her." "So why divorce her?" asked the lawyer. The man said, "Aren't you listening?"

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#1583

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Jan 9, 2006 8:13 am
Subject: January 9, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

And now for today's REAL jokes!

(Sorry about that early email!! Just delete it.)

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A car hit a Jewish man. After the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance, one asked him, "Are you comfortable?" The man replied weakly, "I make a nice living."

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi were chaplains at a university. Once a week they got together for coffee to talk shop. One day, one commented that preaching to people wasn't so tough, but the real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One challenge led to another and soon they decided to each go to the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and convert it. A week later, they met again to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, walking with a cane and his arm in a sling, said, "I found a bear and read the Catechism to him. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and slapped me around, but when I grabbed my holy water and sprinkled him, he became as gentle a lamb. In fact, the bishop is coming out Sunday to give him first communion." Reverend Billy Bob, hobbling on a crutch, with his arm in a sling, chimed in, "When I found me a bear, I read to him from God's holy word, but that bear wanted nothing to do with me so I grabbed him and started to wrestle. We 'rassled up one hill and down another until we came to a creek where quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. After that, he was gentle as a lamb. In fact, we spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, praising Jesus." Rabbi Schwartz, in a wheelchair with an IV drip, was in bad shape. He said, "You boys don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear!"

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#1584

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Jan 10, 2006 6:22 am
Subject: January 10, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Yesterday's "double entry" was intentional, of course. Yeah, right. I just wanted to prove to you that CyberJoke 3000™ is done by a real live human and not a computer. A computer would never have forgotten to set the "told flag" on Friday's jokes, as I did. Thanks to all who so quickly reminded me. Fortunately, I checked my email before retiring for the night...

Since I have sort of a music theme going this week, here's another music site that blew me away. Imagine: type the rhythm of any song with your space bar and it tells you the song's title! While "The Song Tapper" is not perfect, it will improve because when it misses, it asks you to teach it the song you tapped. Being a smart aleck musician, the first tune I tapped in was My Favorite Things (from The Sound of Music), thinking its nearly continuous string of quarter-notes would fool it. No way. It nailed me. Test it yourself:
http://www.songtapper.com/s/tappingmain.bin

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later, she called and was relieved that her bag had been found. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her. One handed her two typewritten pages, her purse, and a box containing the purse's contents. "We inventory everything we find. It's all there," he explained. As she started to put everything back into her purse, he continued, "May we watch? We all tried and failed to get it all back inside. We're curious as to how you do it!"

The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon to begin their new life together. But the first morning, he entered the kitchen to find his new bride crying. "What's wrong, honey?" "I wanted to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook." He smiled and said, "There, there! I don't care about that. You come up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I like for breakfast." And off they went. When he hurried home for lunch, he found her in the kitchen, crying again. "Now what's wrong, Sweetie?" "Same as this morning: I can't cook." Again, he smiled and said, "Let's go up to the bedroom and I'll have lunch there!" And off they went again. That evening, when he got home from work, he found his new bride sliding naked down the banister. Then she ran up the stairs and slid down again. After her third roundtrip, he asked, "Honey? What in the hell are you doing?" And she replied, "Warming your supper!"

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#1585

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:01 am
Subject: January 11, 2006

allowe12

It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

More Audio: Need a good audio editor? Audacity probably does more than you'll ever need to do, including recording, editing, trimming, converting, etc., plus it's Open Source (that means it's freeware). And it's just plain fun to play with!
http://audacity.sourceforge.net/

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Today's CyberJoke 3000™

A spouse is someone who stands by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd only stayed single!

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the morning paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I'm dead!" "Saw it," replied Finney. "Where're callin' from?"

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