cyberjoke3000 : Messages : 1-32 of 3490

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Nov 10, 1999 12:49 am
Subject: Welcome to CyberJoke3000

al@...

Welcome aboard! All I can say about the jokes you'll be receiving from me is:
they made me laugh!

And they come with this guarantee: They will make you laugh or I'll give you
double your money back! <grin>

To change your membership in CyberJoke3000, go to:
http://www.egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000/info.html

Thanks for signing up... and keep laughing!

Al Lowe
For more humor, visit my humor website: http://www.allowe.com

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From: al@...
Date: Thu Nov 11, 1999 11:34 pm
Subject: CyberJoke 19991111

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A woman was concerned about her husband's smoking, but finally got him to agree to only smoke at home when they had finished making love. After about a week, her friend asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad," she said with a big smile. "He's down to about a pack a night!"

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From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Thu Nov 11, 1999 11:50 pm
Subject: Nov 11, 1999

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A woman, pregnant with her first child, was being examined in her obstetrician’s office. “Doctor, my husband wants me to ask you...” “I know, I know,” said the doctor, “I get asked this all the time. It’s okay to have sex until late in your pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it,” she said. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

Visit my humor website: www.allowe.com

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From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Nov 15, 1999 11:29 pm
Subject: November 13, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 13, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too!

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

After the executive hired a hot new secretary, it was only a few days before he put the moves on her. She readily agreed and they had a great time. But after a week or so, she started taking advantage of their relationship, showing up late for work, being surly to clients, losing messages, turning out sloppy work. Finally, he pulled her aside for a little talk. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start slacking off on the job?” She gave him a sly smile and purred, “My lawyer!”

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For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any copyrighted material, please tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to forward my jokes to anyone, as long as you leave it complete, with information attached.

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From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Nov 15, 1999 11:29 pm
Subject: November 14, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 14, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too!

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A man decided to take up golf, so he signed up for lessons with the local pro. The pro showed him the proper stance and grip and swing and then said, “Now just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked a beauty, straight down the fairway, onto the green, stopping inches from the hole. “Now what?” the man asked the shocked pro. “Uh, you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup.” “Oh, great!” said the beginner in a disgusted tone. “Now you tell me!”

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From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Nov 15, 1999 11:32 pm
Subject: November 15, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 15, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too!

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

After nearly forty years in practice, a gynecologist decided to retire to pursue his first love, auto mechanics. He enrolled at the local community college and worked very hard, but worried that he was too old to compete with his younger classmates. Sure enough, on the final exam the other students finished in about two hours, while it took him the full four hours allocated. Afterwards, as he washed up, he asked his teacher about his grade. “I gave you a score of 150 points out of 100 possible,” said the teacher. “What? How can that be?” “Well, I gave you 50 points for disassembling the engine perfectly, another 50 points for reassembling the engine perfectly, and an additional 50 points for doing the whole damn job through the muffler!”

Today’s BONUS CyberJoke 3000™

In a world with Windows, who needs Gates?

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From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Nov 17, 1999 10:35 pm
Subject: November 16, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 16, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

The beautiful young co-ed closed her professor’s office door and took a seat opposite his desk, being careful to let her tight skirt expose an ample expanse of creamy thighs. She stared into his eyes and softly purred, “Professor, I will do anything to pass your class.” “Really?” he responded cautiously. She leaned over his desk, brushed back her hair, played with the top button on her blouse, and whispered, “I will do anything.” He got up from his chair and walked around behind her, bent over and asked softly, “Anything?” “Anything.” His voice turned to a whisper as he spoke just one word, “Study!”

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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#10

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Nov 17, 1999 10:36 pm
Subject: November 17, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 17, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

After the plane reached cruising altitude, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking. The weather ahead is good and I expect a smooth and uneventful flight, so just sit back and–OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed for a few moments while the entire plane held its breath until the intercom clicked back on. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant bringing me a cup of hot coffee spilled it right in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” One of the coach passengers shouted, “Oh, yeah? You should see the back of mine!”

To change your email address
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To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#11

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Nov 19, 1999 5:43 am
Subject: November 18, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 18, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A wife arrived home early from a business trip to find her husband in bed with a young woman. “What the hell is going on here?” she screamed. Her husband calmly replied, “Let me explain, dear. I was driving home when I saw this young lady hitchhiking. She was hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from that roast beef in the fridge you had forgotten about. Since she was bare-footed, I gave her those sandals you discarded because they were out of style. Since she had no coat, I gave her that sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wear because you don’t like the color. Since her pants were torn, I gave her that pair of jeans that are too small for you. Then, when she was about to leave she asked me, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?’ and…”

To change your email address
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To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#12

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Nov 19, 1999 11:06 pm
Subject: November 19, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 19, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A man rushes into a bar, orders six shots of whiskey and downs them just as fast as the bartender can pour them. “Drinking kinda fast, ain’tcha, buddy?” the bartender asks as he pours number seven. “Humph,” snorts the man. “You’d drink fast, too, if you had what I have!” “Oh? What do you have?” asks the bartender. The man stands up before replying, “About twenty-eight cents!”

Today’s BONUS CyberJoke 3000™

A man was in confession. He told the priest, “I almost had an affair with a woman.” “What do you mean, ‘almost?’” “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a little, but then I stopped.” The priest replied, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Don’t go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The man left the confessional, went over, said his prayers, then stopped near the poor box for a moment before leaving. The priest just happened to notice his actions. “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The man replied, “Well, that’s true, Father, I didn’t. But I rubbed the money against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!”

Today’s "I gotta million of 'em!" BONUS BONUS CyberJoke 3000™

The Dean of Women at the exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people,” she droned. “In moments of temptation, you must ask yourself one question: Is a lifetime of shame worth an hour of pleasure?” From the back of the room came a quiet voice. “How do you make it last an hour?”

To change your email address
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To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#13

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Sat Nov 20, 1999 10:21 pm
Subject: November 20, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 20, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

It's Saturday and, since I haven't been able to play my sax all week, I just had to send you a couple of saxophone jokes. Remember: If you have a great joke that you want to share, send it along to jokes@... . (No, of course I won't give you credit. <grin> But think how proud you'll be when you forward it to all your friends.)

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

On the way home after dinner at the White House, the Gores were chatting in the limo. Al said to Tipper, “How can I convince the American people that we’re serious about cost-cutting when Bill buys himself a solid-gold urinal?” “What?” said Tipper? “You’re joking!” “No. I saw it myself when I went to the restroom!” “There must be some mistake. When we get home, I’ll call Hillary and find out.” So she did. “Hillary, is it true that Bill’s bathroom has a solid-gold urinal?” Hillary put her hand over the receiver and yelled to her husband, “Bill! I know who pissed in your saxophone!”

Today’s CyberJoke Bonus: "Q & A RE: World's Richest Saxophonist"

What’s the difference between Kenny G and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.

What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun? A machine gun only repeats ten times per second.

What does Kenny G say when he enters an elevator? “Wow! This rocks!”

You are in a room with Hitler, Mussolini, and Kenny G. You have a gun, but only two bullets. Whom do you shoot? Kenny G. …Twice!

To change your email address
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To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#14

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Sun Nov 21, 1999 10:58 pm
Subject: November 21, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 21, 1999

Your odd days are over!

Last Friday, November 19th 1999, was the last date of your life to contain only odd digits. The next Odd Date is over a thousand years in the future, on January 1st, 3111.

You have never lived on an Even Date, but you will, and soon, too! In just a few months, on February 2, 2000 we will share the first Even Date since August 28th, 888.

So now you have an excuse to celebrate! How about an Even Day’s Eve party on the evening of 2/1/2000? Anybody?

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™ Sunday Quickies

Two construction workers were talking. “Hey, Billy! Since when did you start wearing an earring?” Billy smiled. “Ever since my wife found it in our bed!”

Emmy Lu got sick so Bubba called for an ambulance. The operator asked his address. Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.” “Can you spell that for me?” There was a long pause. “How ‘bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you can meet us there?”

Why waste time with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not your sport!

What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer? He stands straighter!

You know: you just can't beat a joke with both lawyers and Viagra! --AL

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To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#15

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Nov 23, 1999 12:29 am
Subject: November 22, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 22, 1999

I'm a little late today, but have you been to our eGroup site lately? We've passed the 200 mark! Keep forwarding and encouraging your friends to join!

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™ Triple-Header!!!

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant for dinner. While sipping a glass of wine, he noticed a sizzling platter being delivered to the next table. It not only looked good, it smelled wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that dish?” The waiter smiled. “Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are from the morning bullfight. After the matador kills the bull, his testicles are removed and brought to our restaurant. Ah, such a delicacy!” The American was momentarily daunted by the origin of the dish, but decided, what the hell? I’m on vacation! “Bring me an order!” The waiter frowned. “I am so sorry, señor. But since there is but one bullfight each day, there is but one serving each day. But you could place your order now for tomorrow and I would be pleased to serve you this specialty!” He placed his order and impatiently waited 24 hours. The next evening he returned to the same restaurant and the same waiter proudly served him the one and only order of the delicacy of the day. After a few delicious bites, he called the waiter over to his table. “These are surely delicious, but they seem so much smaller than yesterday’s serving?” The waiter replied, “Si, señor! Not everyday does the bull lose!”'

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow, with a wonderful disposition, and it gave lots of milk and cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, so they would never have to worry about milk again. They brought a bull to the cow’s pasture. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on and on. Finally, in desperation, the people asked the Rabbi what to do. “Rabbi, all day we’ve tried to mate our cow. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. What do we do?” The Rabbi asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?” “Rabbi! You are so wise! How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?” Sadly, the Rabbi said, “My wife is from Minsk….”

A farmer and his wife were at livestock auction. The auctioneer announced the first bull had reproduced 60 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 5 times a month!” When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the second bull had reproduced 120 times last year. The wife leans over to her husband and says, “Wow. That’s 10 times a month!” When it was sold, the auctioneer announced the third bull had reproduced 365 times last year!” The wife again leans over to her husband and gloats, “Wow. That’s once a day, every single day of the year! What’s wrong with you, honey?” Finally the irritated husband had had enough. “Nothin’. Once a day is fine! But why don’t you go ask that auctioneer if every day that bull had to do it with the same old cow!”

To change your email address
Go to http://www.egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000 and while you're there, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#16

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Nov 23, 1999 7:24 pm
Subject: November 23, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 23, 1999

Today I'm proud to present my first "request." (Oooh. That's so "Casey Kasem!")

(Change to deeper voice...) And this next joke goes out to Chris Cardwell, a resident of Hotmail.com, who writes, "Dear Alley Allem: Remember that joke in Larry 7 about how women are like continents? If you could include that, I'd..." well, there's no need to get into the steamy details here. Let's just say, "this one's for you, Chris!"

And no, I will not do "dedications to dead pets." <grin>

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

The Geography of a Woman

From age 13-18, a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored.

From age 18-30, she is like Asia: wild and exotic.

From age 30-45, she is like North America: fully developed and free with her resources.

From age 45-60, she is like Europe: well-explored, nearly worn out, but still has points of interest.

From age 60 on, she is like Australia: everybody knows it’s down there, but, nobody really cares.

To change your email address
Go to http://www.egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000 and while you're there, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#17

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Nov 24, 1999 9:15 am
Subject: November 24, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 24, 1999

Max Rose added another punch line to yesterday's joke (how women of various ages are like continents): "Some women are like Antarctica: so cold and frigid that nobody wants to go down there!"

My daughter, Megan, is having all four wisdom teeth pulled this morning. She'll be skipping the turkey for the mashed potatoes tomorrow. I hope you and yours have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. (Oh, and if you don't live in the United States, let me be the first to wish you a "Happy Thursday!")

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God I miss him! …But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the lawyer, “but, why?” “Duh; you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

To change your email address
Go to http://www.egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000 and while you're there, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#18

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Nov 26, 1999 3:02 am
Subject: November 25, 1999

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 25, 1999

I should have never said anything about "dedications" and "requests" the other day. Oh, well! Here we go:

Today's jokes are dedicated to all those "ex-pat Aussies scattered throughout the world" from Teresa & Steven Townsend. Two Aussie jokes just for you!

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing their wives. The Canadian says, “My wife must be the dumbest woman in the world. She bought $900 worth of meat at a supermarket sale, and we don’t even have a freezer!” The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing! My wife bought a new car, and she can’t even drive!” Not to be out-done, the Aussie says, “My wife is even dumber. Last week she left on her two-week holiday and she packed 20 condoms! And she don’t even have a penis!”

An Australian bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman regards the newcomers with skepticism, but asks, “What’ll it be?” The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.” The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!” The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.” The man reaches into his pocket, wriggles his hand around, and, to the barman’s great surprise, pulls out exactly three-forty. The next night the man, the ostrich, and the cat enter the same bar. The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.” The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!” The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.” Again, the bloke pulls the exact amount out of his pocket. On the third night, the trio comes in near closing. “The same?” asks the barman. “Nah, it’s getting’ late,” says the bloke. “I’ll have a double scotch.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have a double scotch.” The cat says, “I’ll have a double scotch too... but I ain’t payin’!” The barman serves the drinks and says, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please.” And once again, the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket. As the barman is closing up, he can contain his curiosity no longer and asks, “Hey, Mack, there’s something I’ve got to know: how in the hell do you always pull the exact change out of your pocket?” “Well,” says the man, “A few years ago when I was cleaning my attic, I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and offered me three wishes.” “Oh, yeah?” asks the now-skeptical barkeep. “What did you wish for?” “My first wish was ‘If I ever need to pay for anything, I want to just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.’” “That’s brilliant,” says the barman. “Most people’d ask for a pile of money, but your way means you’ll ‘ave all you need for as long as you live!” “Right. So whether it’s a pint or a Rolls Royce, I’ve always got exact change.” The barman pauses and then says softly, “One more thing, mate. What’s the deal with your friends there? We don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in ‘ere…” The man looks glum. “Yeah, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I did, getting stuck with them forever! You see, my other two wishes were for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#19

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Sat Nov 27, 1999 8:32 pm
Subject: November 26, 1999

al@...

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 26, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A bus strikes a man crossing a busy street. As he lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers. The man gasps, “Somebody get me a priest!” A policeman searches, but there’s none to be found anywhere nearby. Finally, a old Jewish man volunteers. “Look, Mr. Policeman, I’m not a priest, I’m not even Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind the Catholic church over on First Avenue and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany so maybe I can comfort this poor dying man?” The policeman agreed and the old man kneels beside the injured man and says in his most solemn voice, “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…”

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the hotel bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons; one more and I’ll have a basketball team.” The Catholic pooh-poohed his accomplishment, “That’s nothing. I have ten sons; one more and I’ll have a football team.” To which the Mormon replied, “That’s nothing. I have seventeen wives; one more and I’ll have a golf course!”

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To contact me
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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#20

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Sat Nov 27, 1999 8:38 pm
Subject: November 27, 1999

al@...

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 27, 1999

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A man visited his 85-year-old grandfather in the nursing home. “How’ve you been, grandpa?” he asked. “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses take such good care of me. Why, every night they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill and I sleep like a log.” The man went to see the head nurse. “What’s going on here?” he asked. “Grandpa says you’re giving him Viagra on a daily basis now. Surely that’s not true!” “Oh, yes,” replied the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock he gets a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill.” “But why? A man of his age?” “Well, the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed!”

A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.” “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what hit him!” At dinner, she thinks, “Maybe one won’t be enough?” and slips in a handful. The next day, she called her friend. “You were right. It worked great! I slipped a bunch of them in his potatoes just like you said, and, not five minutes later, he jumped up, raked the dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped off my clothes, and made wild, passionate love right there on the table!” Her friend was worried. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you so many.” “Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway!”

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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#21

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Sun Nov 28, 1999 11:48 pm
Subject: November 28, 1999

al@...

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™

All right; no more Mr. Nice Guy! This is an order! This week each of you will sign up two new members to CyberJoke 3000™. No more "sharing" or "forwarding!" Sign 'em up! You'll be glad you did. <grin>

And thanks to all of you who inquired about Megan, my daughter. She has recuperated nicely and will be back in school Monday morning, four wisdom teeth lighter!

I'm going to put up a survey on the eGroups site this week, so be prepared to provide me with a little feedback.

And thanks for all the jokes you've been sending! Keep them coming.

But doesn't anybody have a World Trade Organization joke? (They're meeting here in Seattle this week and, between the delegates, the press, and the protesters and demonstrators, the locals are expecting total traffic gridlock!) It could be they're just not that funny.

Have a great week. Didn't mean to get "chatty," but...

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

An elderly gentleman came home one night to discover a beautiful young woman robbing his house. He quietly grabbed his gun, aimed it at her, and shouted, “Freeze!” She did, and he held her at gunpoint while he started telephoning the police. The girl quickly dropped to her knees and begged him, “Oh, please don’t call the police, mister! If you don’t turn me in, I’ll make love to you all night. I’ll do whatever you want! Just don’t call the police.” The man paused a moment, then hung up the phone. They got undressed and climbed into bed. The old man tried and tried to no avail. Finally, he rolled over, disgusted and embarrassed. “I’m sorry, young lady, it’s just no use,” he gasped. “Looks like I’m gonna have to call the police!”

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To contact me
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To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#22

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Mon Nov 29, 1999 10:10 pm
Subject: November 29, 1999

al@...

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™
for November 29, 1999

As you probably know, today is the opening day of the World Trade Organization talks in Seattle. The word on the streets here is that one of their first topics for discussion is the outlawing of all daily email joke lists! They must be stopped. We must band together to fight this repression!! Today, right now, forward this email to all your email friends, and order them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ for themselves! Remember: when email jokes are outlawed, only outlaws will tell jokes!

"Of course, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong." --AL

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A young Seattle woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Elliott Bay. Standing on the docks, staring at the frigid water, crying, she was teetering on the edge when a handsome young sailor passing by saw her, realized her plight and grabbed her arm just in the nick of time. “Miss, don’t do it. You’ve got so much to live for. Look, I’m off to Japan in the morning, and if you like, you can stow away on my ship. I promise to take good care of you and bring you food every day.” He slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy…and you can keep me happy. Okay?” She considered this a moment, then nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor sneaked her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he faithfully brought her food and drink. She repaid his kindness the only way she knew how: they made passionate love all night. Two wonderful weeks passed until the Captain discovered her during a routine inspection. “What are you doing in here?” the Captain demanded. “Uh, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,” she explained bashfully. “He's taking me to Japan and giving me free food and drink...and he’s screwing me.” “He sure is, miss,” said the Captain. “This is the ferry to Bremerton!”

[localization and topicalization by AL]

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To contact me
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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#23

From: al@...
Date: Tue Nov 30, 1999 5:17 am
Subject: POLL: CyberJoke 3000's Report Card

al@...

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Please mark any of the following that you AGREE with.
----

Please select one or more of the following:

    o Limit jokes to 1 per day
    o It's okay as it is
    o "More, more, I want more!"
    o Jokes are too clean
    o Jokes are just about right
    o Jokes are too dirty
    o Text is hard to read
    o Text is fine


by going to the following Web form:

    http://www.egroups.com/vote?id=943939037661&listname=cyberjoke3000

Thank you!

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#24

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Nov 30, 1999 10:53 pm
Subject: No Subject

al@...

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™

Thanks to your efforts for spreading the word, CyberJoke 3000™ passed the 300 level yesterday!

Evidently the WTO has more important things on its mind today; I now understand they never had any intention of banning email jokes since many said, "I don't get jokes!" <grin> So, don't fear, CyberJoke 3000™ will continue to infect your Inbox for years to come. I wonder if Margaret & I will be able to fight through the protestors to attend this evening's Sonics basketball game?

Today's topic? Football! Why? Why not!

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

The football coach was talking to his team in the locker room before the big game. He said to his star player, “They tell me I’m not supposed to let you play since you’re failing math, but we need you in there if we’re gonna win this game. So, I’m gonna ask you a math question and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed. “Concentrate hard. What is two plus two?” The player screwed up his face for a moment and hesitantly said, “4?” The coach got excited. “Did you say 4?” And all the other players yelled, “Aw, come on, coach. Give him another chance!”

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this!” said the freshman and he ran right into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Impressive,” said the coach. “Can you run?” “Watch this!” said the freshman and took off like a shot. “Great!” said the coach. “But can you pass a football?” The big freshman hesitated. “I dunno, sir,” he said, “if’n I can swallow it, I bet I can pass it!”

To change your email address
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To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#25

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Dec 1, 1999 8:48 pm
Subject: December 1, 1999

al@...

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™

Today is "Cruise Ship Joke Day," thanks to the request of CyberJoke 3000™ subscriber FunShipPete (possibly not his real name <grin>). Here you go, Pete!

We made it to the Sonics game last night in record time; there was no traffic at all, thanks to all those WTO protesters who convinced our Mayor to declare a civil emergency and a 7PM curfew (evidently except for Sonics fans, who were hassled not at all!). See? The WTO has accomplished something this week!

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A man wanted to learn if either his wife or his mistress was faithful to him. He decided to send them on the same cruise, on a small but expensive ship, and later question each about the other’s behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about her trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of that passenger he knew to be his mistress. “Oh, her!” she reported. “She slept with every man on the ship!” The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her about his wife. “Oh, her?” his mistress said. “She was a real lady.” “Oh, really?” the encouraged man asked. “How’s that?” “She came aboard with her husband and never left his side the entire trip!”

A young couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride called her mother. “Darling, how was the honeymoon?” asked her mom. “Oh, Mother,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful; we had a terrific time; it was so romantic. But, Mother, as soon as we returned, he began using really horrible language. Stuff I couldn’t believe. Terrible four-letter words.” She began to sob. “But, honey,” her mother asked, “WHAT 4-letter words?” “I hate to tell you, mother, they’re so awful! DUST… WASH… IRON… COOK…”

To change your email address
Go to http://www.egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000 and while you're there, unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#26

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Thu Dec 2, 1999 5:30 pm
Subject: December 2, 1999

al@...

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It’s Al Lowe’s CyberJoke 3000™

Feel free to forward this email to your friends, but please leave it intact. Hopefully, we’ll get them to subscribe to CyberJoke 3000™ too! For more humor, drop by www.allowe.com

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A woman walked out of Starbucks with her morning coffee and was taken aback by an unusual funeral procession. One long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse, which was followed by a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash, who was followed by at least 200 more women in a long single file. Her curiosity got the better of her, so she respectfully approached the woman with the dog. “I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sure this is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?” “Well, that first hearse contains my husband.” “Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened to him?” “My dog here attacked and killed him.” “That’s terrible. But, who is in the second hearse?” “My mother-in-law. She tried to help my husband, but my dog turned on her, too.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Could I borrow your dog?” “Sure. Get in line!”

A little boy in a big fireman’s hat was riding down the sidewalk on his toy fire truck, being pulled by a big old ugly dog. Unfortunately, since the boy had tied the rope around the dog’s privates, the truck was going rather slowly. A man noticed this and gently said, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if you tied the rope to your dog’s collar.” The boy nodded in agreement. “Maybe so, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

For a free subscription to CyberJoke 3000™
If you can read, you qualify! And it really is free.
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To contact me
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To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#27

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Fri Dec 3, 1999 10:25 pm
Subject: December 3, 1999

al@...

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In honor of the end of the work week, it's a Three Joke Day! A certain, former, adventure game authoress has complained about the scarcity of women jokes, so today I present nothing but women jokes. Of course, two contain penis references, but...what can I do? Hey, that's just me! <grin>

I'm still waiting for the flood of WTO jokes to arrive. (I've heard enough about the "Battle in Seattle," thank you!)

If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A man was in a terrible auto accident that chopped off his penis. He went to the penis transplant hospital where a doctor examined him, pronounced him a perfect candidate for transplant surgery, and asked him what sort of replacement he desired. “We have your former size for $3,000, a medium size for $6,000, or the extra-large size for $10,000. Talk it over with your wife and let me know.” When the doctor returned, he found the man staring at the floor. “My wife says she’d prefer a new kitchen.”

And now, a little something to "cleanse the palette:"

An English professor wrote this sentence on the board and told her students to punctuate it correctly: “A woman without her man is nothing.” The men wrote, “A woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote, “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

The following may not be a true story:

A sweet young clerk at a big city store approached a rather large man in the men’s department. “May I help you?” she purred. “Why, yes, ma’am. I wanna buy a complete outfit of them city clothes.” Her eyes lit up. “Excellent. Shall we begin with a new suit?” “Why, shore ma’am. 53 tall.” “Wow, that’s big.” “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.” “And a shirt and tie to go with it?” “Why, shore ma’am. 19½ 38.” “Wow, that’s big.” “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.” “How about some shoes and socks?” “Why, shore ma’am. 15 double D.” “Wow, that’s big too.” “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big in Texas.” “And a new hat?” “Why, shore ma’am. 9-5/8.” “Wow, that’s really big.” “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.” She got him all decked out, rang up the sale and, as the Texan was counting out his money, couldn’t help but ask, “Sir, I don’t mean to be forward, but I wonder if I could I ask you a question?” “Why, shore ma’am. I already know what it is. And the answer is: 4 inches.” She blushed slight, but blurted out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!” Without a blink, the Texan replied, “Really, ma’am? Thick?”

To change your email address
Go to http://www.egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000 and unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#28

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Sat Dec 4, 1999 6:53 pm
Subject: December 4, 1999

al@...

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Thanks to Jennifer, I finally received some WTO humor! See below. While it's not a joke, I thought it was funny.

Again, thanks for building our membership so quickly. We've passed the 325 member mark! Keep spreading the word. If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free subscription? It's easy. See below.

Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk, “I want some Polish sausage. The clerk takes a long look at him. “Are you Polish?” The guy says, “Well, yes, I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? If I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?” The clerk says, “No.” “Well, then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?” The clerk says, “Because this is a hardware store!”

Two Italian men get on the bus and sit in front of an well-dressed woman. At first she is able to ignore their conversation, but she is offended when she overhears one man say, “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two more asses, they come together again. Then I come again and pee twice. Then I come-a once-a-more.” “You foul-mouthed swine,” huffs the woman indignantly, “In this country we don’t describe our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down, lady,” said the man. “I’m-a just tellin’ ma friend how ta spell Mississippi!”

Things Overheard at WTO in Seattle

“I don’t really give a crap—I’m just warming up for the New Year’s Day Y2K riots.”

“Citizens! Disperse and go home, or Brother Gates will be angry!”

“The Brown & Williamson IPO is bad, people. Do NOT invest in the Brown & Williamson IPO.”

“Gap is crap! Gap is crap! Gap is... Hey, cool chinos!”

“I was speaking figuratively when I said the WTO should go ‘where the sun don’t shine.’”

“Launch the chalupa!”

“Send a message to those capitalist bastards! Come to the big Sixteen-Hour Sale at the Bon Marche!”

“No, Governor Bush, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not the head of the WTO. Guess again.”

“You got tear gas in my mocha latte!”

“You got mocha latte in my tear gas!”

“I haven’t seen this many badly dressed people since Courtney Love’s wedding.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Clinton, but the WTO rejects your proposal to ‘trade saliva with that Chinese girl.’”

“Ken Griffey sucks! Ken Griffey sucks! Ken Grif—AAAAGGGHH, MY EYES!!!”

“Attention, consumers: Put down your weapons NOW—and visit the fantastic 12-hour curfew sale going on at Old Navy!”

“Mr. Hoffa, we’re prepared to negotiate. Could you meet us at the Kingdome, say, around 2am?”

To change your email address
Go to http://www.egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000 and unsubscribe your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.

To contact me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comments and feedback to feedback@...

Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#29

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Sun Dec 5, 1999 7:34 pm
Subject: December 5, 1999

al@...

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

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Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that?” “A condom.” “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it?” “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore.” The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms.” He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter,” she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel!” … The pharmacist fainted.

A girl tells her boyfriend that if he’ll have dinner with her parents on Friday night, afterwards she’ll give him her virginity. The boy is ecstatic. Friday after school he heads for the pharmacy to stock up on condoms. Confused by the wide variety, he asks the pharmacist for help. The older man tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and their proper usage. The boy decides to buy a 10-pack, since it is first time and all. That night, his girlfriend leads him to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly volunteers to say the blessing. He bows his head and prays and prays. One minute, five minutes, ten minutes pass, and still the prayer goes on. Finally, after fifteen minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, “I had no idea you were so religious!” The boy turns and whispers back, “And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

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#30

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Dec 7, 1999 12:18 am
Subject: December 6, 1999

al@...

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I'm still looking for "women's jokes." Come on, ladies. Hit reply and give me something to share!

And remember: I want you to forward this to anyone you think will enjoy it. That's the whole idea!

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Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

Jake and Mike were on their way to the ski resort when they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They found a farmhouse and asked its rather attractive housewife if they could spend the night. “Oh, I don’t think so,” she explained. “You see, I’m recently divorced and you know how neighbors will talk….” “Well, then,” said Jake, “how about if we just sleep in your barn?” That seemed acceptable to all. About nine months later, Jake got a letter from the woman’s attorney. He immediately phoned his ski buddy, Mike. “Hey, Mike. Do you remember our ski trip and that good-looking divorcee? You didn’t happen to sneak into her house in the middle of the night and have sex with her, did you?” “Well, yeah, I did.” “And, by any chance did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Mike blushed. “Well, yeah, I’m afraid I did.” “Hey, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

A man and a woman were bantering about who enjoyed sex more. “Obviously, men enjoy sex more than women,” said the man. “Why do you think we’re so obsessed with it?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” said the woman. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around and then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”

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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#31

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Tue Dec 7, 1999 8:38 pm
Subject: December 7, 1999

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Okay, today's joke is a long one, but one I like a lot. Perhaps it is my country upbringing? <grin>

Thanks for the women jokes; keep 'em coming.

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Today’s CyberJoke 3000™

Farmer Jones stopped to visit his old friend, Farmer Brown. They decided to sit a spell on the back porch. Farmer Jones noticed Farmer Brown had a hog with a wooden leg. After they’d talked a while, curiosity got to him and he asked, “Fred, how’d that hog of yours get that wooden leg?” “Well, Clayton, that there’s one mighty special hog! A while back, when I was walking in the woods, a big ol’ bear attacked me. And you know what? That dang’d hog came a-runnin’, attacked that bear and chased him off. Saved my life, he did. You never saw nothing like it!” “So the bear tore up his leg?” “Nah, he came outta that one jes’ fine. But some time later that old’ shed I used-ta have out behind the barn caught on fire. And you know what? That dang’d hog started squealin’ like he was stuck, woke up the Missus and me all the way inside our bedroom, and ‘fore we could even get there, that dang’d hog had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved their lives. You never saw nothing like it!” “So his leg got burned in the fire?” “Nah, he came outta that one jes’ fine, too. A couple weeks ago, I was drivin’ my tractor out by the pond when I hit a big rock. Threw me right off’n that tractor, right into the water. The fall knocked me out! And you know what? That dang’d hog dove into the pond and dragged me out ‘fore I drowned. He saved my life again, he did!” “And that’s when he hurt his leg?” “Nah, he came outta that one jes’ fine too.” “Okay, Fred, so just tell me. How in the hell did your hog get that wooden leg?” “Well, ya know, a hog that good, you don’t want to eat him all at once!”

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Copyright Information
I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete email, with all information intact.

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#32

From: "Al Lowe" <al@...>
Date: Wed Dec 8, 1999 7:14 pm
Subject: December 8, 1999

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= It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's a joke = sandwich today! An old favorite surrounded by two quick puns.

If you received this email from a friend, why not start your own free = subscription? It's easy. See below.

= /DIV>

Today’s C= yberJoke 3000™

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire i= n the boat it sank—proving once and for all that you can’t h= ave your kayak and heat it, too.

A = man with three girlfriends didn’t know which one to marry. So he g= ave each one $5,000 to see what would happen. The first got a total make= over, new clothes, new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works. She explai= ned, “I spent all the money on myself making me look good for you,= because I love you so much.” The second bought new golf clubs, a = home theater and a big-screen TV and gave them to him. She explained, = 8220;I spent all the money buying things for you, because I love you so = much.” The third invested the $5,000 in the stock market, quickly dou= bled her money, gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the rest. She ex= plained, “I invested the rest of the money for our future, because= I love you so much.” The man carefully considered how each woman = has risen to the challenge of his test. So which girl did he marry? The = one with the big tits, of course.

A man, home for = the holidays, went to his favorite restaurant for a holiday breakfast. = #8220;I’ll have the eggs benedict,” he orders. The waiter event= ually brings it out on a huge fancy chrome platter. “What’s = with the fancy dish?” He asks the waiter. The waiter replies, R= 20;Oh, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

For a free subscription to= nbsp;CyberJoke 3000™
If you can read, you qualify! And it really is free.= BR>You can learn more about it here: http://www.allowe.com/cj-list.htm
To join us, send a blank email to: CyberJoke3000-subscribe@eGroups.com = /FONT>
To quit, send a blank email to: CyberJoke3000-unsubscribe@eG= roups.com

= To change your email address
~~Go to http://www= .egroups.com/group/cyberjoke3000 and unsubscri= be your old address, then resubscribe with your new address.~~

To contac= t me
For more humor, visit my website: www.allowe.com
To advertise in CyberJoke 3000™, write to sales@...
Send your comme= nts and feedback to feedback@allo= we.comCopyright Informati= on
I am not the author of these jokes and I do n= ot claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be i= n the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If yo= u see any, tell me and I’ll remove it immediately. You’re we= lcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward the complete= email, with all information intact.

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