It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Forty years ago today, two computers at UCLA exchanged data in the first test of ARPANET, the predecessor to the Internet. (The network crashed after the first two letters of the word "logon," but still...). Paid for by the Department of Defense during the Cold War, it was designed to transfer data in case of a nuclear attack. Within two months, they established the first link to Stanford Research Institute. Happy Birthday, Internet!
http://www.computerhope.com/history/196080.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_the_Internet

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Two women sat quietly together.

Three islands were separated by narrow stretches of water. The first island was covered in corn. On the second island was a rooster who wanted that corn but could not get to it. One day he could wait no longer. He ran full speed to the water's edge and started flapping. Roosters don't fly well but he managed to just clear the water and get to that corn. And he became the happiest bird in the world. On the third island was a cat who saw that rooster and wanted to eat him. If only he could get to that bird, he'd be the happiest cat in the world. He ran full speed to the water's edge and took a mighty leap but merely ended up in the water, soaking wet. The moral to this tale? For every satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I want one of these!
http://tinyurl.com/nsaf3s

CyberJokester Cory Krumlauf found the original blog site about bad parkers that I recommended last Thursday. It appears that they've changed their site's name to something even more obvious:
http://lookhowfuckingbadiparked.tumblr.com/

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I couldn't hear the movie's dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me, so I tapped one of them on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me. I can't hear." She whispered sharply, "I should hope not. This is a private conversation!"

A couple was in the delivery room. She shouted, "I want drugs!" Then she glared at her husband and said, "You did this to me, you bastard!" Her husband retorted, "If you recall, I wanted to stick it up your a$$ but, nooooo!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Patience is a virtue, but these inventions make you think that laziness, slovenliness, clumsiness and pure stupidity may be virtues, too:
http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/23600

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Why do blondes prefer BMWs instead of Chevrolets? They can spell BMW!

A fellow walking down a country road carrying an empty gas can asked a farmer out working his fields, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?" The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then resumed walking. When he had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled, "20 minutes." The man answered, "Thank you, but why didn't you just say that when I asked you?" The farmer replied dryly, "Didn't know how fast you walk!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Today is cool and rainy; evidently summer really is over. Ah, well. Who needs sunshine when you have sight gags?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1971

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A couple arrived at the airport in the nick of time to catch their plane for a vacation. As they unloaded their suitcases, the wife said, "I wish I'd brought the piano." Her husband asked, "What on Earth for?" She replied, "Because I left our tickets on it!"

What do you call two brunettes and a blonde on a girls football team? Two tight ends and a wide receiver!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I know that suspension bridges are designed to stretch and move under load but I never realized just how much until I watched this film of the Manhattan Bridge:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgXveBf_l6k

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Definition of Perfect Pitch: when you throw an accordion through a tenth-story plate-glass window and it bounces off a bagpiper's head breaking a vendor's stack of rap CDs!

Close friends since childhood, Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsberg decided to go into business together. Schwartz said, "I'll invest $100,000." Cohen said, "I'll invest $200,000." Ginsberg said, "I'll invest $1,000." Cohen said, "Since I put in $200,000, I'll be CEO. Schwartz, since you put in $100,000, you can be CFO. Ginsberg, since you put in $1,000, you can be our Sexual Adviser." Ginsberg looked puzzled. "What's a Sexual Adviser?" Cohen replied, "When we want your f*’king advice, we'll ask for it!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

I love The Onion! Watch this and be sure to read all the captions scrolling by beneath the newscaster!
http://tinyurl.com/naupa9

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A duck walked into a bar. The bartender said to him, "Hey, buddy. Your pants are down!"

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you ever wonder which was the very first YouTube video? Wonder no more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNQXAC9IVRw

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Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex: you know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough!

"$5.37," said the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell. I handed him a five and dug in my pocket, pulling out two dimes and some lint. I headed out to my truck for more change when the kid said the harshest thing ever: "It's okay. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount. Only $4.68," he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I'm 48! Senior citizen? I took my burrito out to the truck wondering what was wrong with that kid. As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Me? Old? I'll show him. I opened the door and headed back inside where he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he jingled something in front of me, like I could be easily distracted. What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with disdain at the keys. I rationalized in my mind, "Leaving keys hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I grabbed them and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. Now what? I tried again. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads. I have no beads hanging from my rearview mirror, purple or otherwise. Or car seat in the back seat. Or toys all over the floorboards. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of that alien vehicle. Moments later, I sped out of the parking lot, relieved to finally leave this nightmarish stop in my life behind. That's when I realized: I was hungry! I grabbed for my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There the cashier stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. "Did I leave my order here?" The kid shook his head. By then I was ready for a Boy Scout to lead me to my vehicle so I could drive to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. As I walked back to my truck, a child got my attention. He was holding a drink and a bag. His mother asked, "Did you leave this in my truck by mistake?" I sheepishly apologized and took it from the youngster. She said, "Don't worry. It's okay. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." And that was what I told the officer to explain why I was doing 85 in a 40, racing some punk kid in a Prius. As I walked in my front door, my wife met me and I handed her a bag of cold food and my $300 speeding ticket, sat down in my rocking chair, and covered up my legs with a blanket. At least I found my way home!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

"Radio? Sure!" is a new radio player that preinstalls over 12,000 radio stations, supports most Internet radio formats, provides switching and searching of stations, records and packages into separate song files, simultaneously records multiple stations, and more. Strangely, it installs itself to your Documents folder, so be sure to change that to your Programs Files folder when you install it.
http://www.radiosure.com/features

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Kay Jewelers is wrong. On any given weekend, more kisses begin with Miller Lites than with Kay!

"My roommate had the swine flu last night." "Oh, yeah? Is he real sick?" "No, man. I came home and caught him in bed with some really fat chick!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Seattle Seahawks started their home season with a win yesterday. I wonder if there's a winner in here?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1981

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What has 151 feet and 32 teeth? The front row at a Merle Haggard concert!

The best engine in the world is the vagina: it can be started with one finger, is self-lubricating, takes any size piston, and changes its own oil every four weeks. Too bad the management system is so temperamental!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Sam Greenspan writes an 11-point list every day and posts it on:
http://www.11points.com/
For a sample, try this list of Internet firsts:
http://www.11points.com/Web-Tech/11_Firsts_In_Internet_History_spv

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As Jack Whitehall said, "I'm not sure where my dad is, but I know he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just really condescending!"

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy. One is to take her shopping; the rest is 69.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Ever need to cut-and-paste something between two computers? Here's a simplest solution that I wish I'd thought of: paste the text this site, go to the provided link on the second computer and copy it. No download, no installation. Slick, fast, convenient.
http://www.heypasteit.com/

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While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it. Thanks, Mario Kart!

If women are such good multi-taskers, why can't they have a headache and sex at the same time?!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Myron Clements says that Yahoo Mail has a service similar to yesterday's HeyPasteIt. At the top of Yahoo's mail screen is a tab called Notepad which works the same way: paste something into it on any computer and you can copy it from another.

Who doesn't enjoy optical illusions? Switched thinks it's found the web's best. (But it's inconsistent in its presentation; on some you have to click a link to another page; on others you don't.)
http://www.switched.com/2008/09/17/top-25-optical-illusions-on-the-web/

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Do you keep some people's phone numbers in your phone just so that when they call, you know not to answer?

Mom wanted to show her daughter she was a hip parent. "Now that you're dating, are you intimate with young men?" "Oh, Mom. You know how it is. Boys are insensitive and don't care about intimacy." "Is there any advice I can offer? It's important for us to discuss these things. Don't forget: I was a teenager once, too. I remember what dating boys was like." "Really, Mom?" "Really." "Well, okay. What's the best way to get c*m out of your hair?"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Someone asked me recently about the function of the Windows key. You remember: that key with the flag down near the space bar? Between Ctrl and Alt? The one you never use? It works just like the shift key (and Ctrl and Alt): hold it down while pressing another key. Now that you've found it, here are some of my favorite shortcuts, in the order I personally find them most useful:

• Windows-E launches Windows Explorer
• Windows-D minimizes all open windows and show just the Desktop (Press again to restore everything as it was)
• Windows-M Minimizes all windows (Windows-Shift-M unMinimizes all windows)
• Windows-F opens the start menu’s Find window
• Windows-R opens the start menu’s Run box
• Windows-Break shows System Properties
• Windows-Tab cycles through taskbar items (then press Enter to choose)
• Windows key alone opens the Start menu

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A hesitant driver parked at the end of the freeway on-ramp waiting for traffic to clear. Several drivers gave him an opening, but still he waited. Soon a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, buddy! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'Give up!' "

A surgeon examined his blond patient after her operation. "Everything looks fine," he said. She asked, "But how long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?" The surgeon paused, which alarmed her. "What's the matter, Doc? I will be all right, won't I?" she asked. He replied, "Oh, yes, you'll be fine. It's just that you're the first person to ask me that after a tonsillectomy!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

This is a big day for CyberGag 3000™ -- we hit the 2,000th sight gag! Come. Celebrate together!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1991
And after you see number 2,000, start all over again here:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=1

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Breaking news: Kanye West interrupted Patrick Swayze's funeral to say that Michael Jackson's funeral was better!

Waxing eloquently on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the... woof of your mouf!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Cracked.com has established leadership in a most peculiar category: Photos That Look Photoshopped But Aren't. Here is Part 1 to get you started:
http://tinyurl.com/5ffol6

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Do you think it's too early to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she’s heard from Patrick Swayze?

What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Cracked.com has established leadership in a most peculiar category: Photos That Look Photoshopped But Aren't. Here is Part 2:
http://tinyurl.com/65575f

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What's the difference between a practical nurse and a registered nurse? The practical nurse is one who falls in love with a wealthy patient!

If the stork brings a baby, what sort of bird brings no baby? The swallow!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Cracked.com has established leadership in a most peculiar category: Photos That Look Photoshopped But Aren't. Here is Part 3:
http://tinyurl.com/a55tbs

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The three-year-old had been on the toilet long enough. His mother checked up on him and found him reading a book, but every few seconds, he would hit himself on top of his head. "Johnny, are you all right?" "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet." "Okay, but why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Johnny replied, "It works for ketchup!"

Jim's boss asked why he was moping around. "It's my wife," Jim replied. "She's fooling around with other men." "Well, I can understand your mood then," said the boss. "I wouldn't like that either." "No, no," said Jim. "It's not that. I have trouble sleeping in our small bed with two other people!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Cracked.com has established leadership in a most peculiar category: Photos That Look Photoshopped But Aren't. Here is Part 4: http://tinyurl.com/c5az3l

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Two lawyers were playing golf with their usual $50 bet when David hit his ball into the rough. "Hey, John, help me find my ball. Look over there," said Dave. After a few minutes, neither had any luck. Seeking to avoid a penalty stroke in a close match, Dave surreptitiously slips a ball from his pocket and drops it on the ground. "I've found it!" he announced. John looked at him angrily. "You mean, after all the rounds of golf we've played, you'd cheat me for a lousy fifty bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? My ball's right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" said John. "I'm standing on your ball!"

As the shipwreck's sole survivor spotted a distant island, his spirits soared. He swam and swam until he finally crawled up on the beach, nearly lifeless. After a short rest, he looked around and his spirits sank once again. He saw a pecan pie, a banana split, a vat of gelatin, cookies, caramel apples, yellow cake... and he realized: he was on a dessert island!

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

A Special Announcement!

CyberJoke 3000™ is now available for iPhone and iPod Touch from the iTunes Store! http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

Why read emailed jokes when you can hear them? Why visit a comedy club when you already carry one in your pocket? Professional comedian Chuck Myers tells my favorite jokes the way I’d tell them ...if I could.

Listen here: Stick in your headphones and download CyberJoke 3000™ from the App Store now. Over 100 jokes for only $1.99, (that’s less than 4’ per megabyte!). Regular updates coming. http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

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An author suffering from writer's block was so frustrated that he threw himself out of a fifteenth-story window. Before he hit the sidewalk, he saw fourteen stories!

Mom thought it was about time her teenaged daughter learned the facts of life. "Ann, I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy..." "It might be fun to hear you tell it, Mom," Ann interrupted, "but what I really need to know is: What's the best way to fake an orgasm?"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Did you download CyberJoke 3000™ from the iTunes Store yet? It's not too late! Listen to your jokes instead of reading them.
http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

CyberJokester Zadir sends along YouTube's 100 Greatest Hits compiled into one 4-minute video:
http://www.flixxy.com/youtube-greatest-hits.htm

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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? None. "That's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

The horny teen told her classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out." The boy quickly agreed. They went into the woods, she slipped off her panties and laid back. The boy entered her and then gave her a $10 bill, but then just laid there. After ten minutes of this, she said, "Okay, that's it. Take it out." He said, "I can't. I don't have any more money!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

For the past nine years, "Early Warning" Bob Michiels has read every CyberJoke 3000™ a week before I sent it out, telling me whenever I sent a duplicate joke. In all those years, we communicated solely by email...until this week. Now he is visiting the U.S. from Belgium and we have finally gotten to meet each other face to face. Welcome to America, Bob!

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this video guaranteed to make you smile: laughing quadruplets!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE6PNps5N9I

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Little Johnny's mother asked him why he got such a low mark on his test. "Because of absence," Little Johnny replied. "You weren't absent on the day of the test," she said. Little Johnny replied, "No, but the smart kid who sits beside me was!"

Bob's new job required a physical with the company doctor. All his tests turned out fine but, after a brief hesitation, the doctor mentioned that Bob had the smallest pen‘s he'd ever seen. "Tell me: do you ever have any difficulties with it being so small?" "No," said Bob, "I've got a wonderful wife, three great kids, and a normal sex life. The only problem is finding it when I have to urinate." "And you do have a normal sex life? How?" "It's no problem because then there's two of us looking for it!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Nick Chambers sends along this page which clearly shows what happens when a Star Wars freak has money:
http://tinyurl.com/lrndtu

CyberJoke 3000™ for iPhone and iPod Touch lets you score each joke after you hear it. Compare your opinion with every other owner globally. Get it from the iTunes Store: 
http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

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"A boy in my class asked me to play doctor, Mommy." "Oh, dear," said Little Suzie's mother nervously. "What happened, honey?" Little Suzie replied, "Not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company!"

The new parish priest called Mother Superior into his office. "Sister, I want to show you something." "What is it, Father?" "Come into my bedroom and close the blinds." "What?" "I said, 'Come into my bedroom and close the blinds'." "I heard what you said -- I just can't believe you said it!" "Please! Come in." Curious, she did as she was told. "Now sit beside me on the bed." "I'm leaving." "Aren't you the least bit curious?" Well, she was curious, so she sat down beside him. "Now get under the covers." "WHAT?!" "Otherwise it doesn't work!" After much coaxing, she got under the covers. "Now come closer," he whispered. Nervously, she did so. "See! My new watch does glow in the dark!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

In my excitement to plug my new iPhone CyberJoke 3000™ app, I totally forgot about this week's sight gags! Here they are:
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2001

And don't forget to buy CyberJoke 3000™ for iPhone. Come on. It's a lousy buck-ninety-nine! <grin>
http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

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Late one Saturday night, a woman was awakened by her phone. "Hello." A breathless voice on the line rushed into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home 'cause Daddy's car got a flat tire but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were in the movie. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since the woman didn't have a daughter, she knew it was a wrong number. "I'm sorry, dear, but you must have misdialed. I don't have a daughter." There was a long pause. "Gosh, Mom, I didn't think you'd be this mad!"

A man walked into a doctor's office and said, "Doc, I want you to look at my pen‘s." The doctor agreed and the guy whipped out a twelve- incher. The doctor examined it thoroughly and then said, "I see nothing wrong with it." The man replied, "Yeah, I know. Ain't it a beauty?"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

Summer is definitely over in Seattle. I actually had to have the furnace repairman out. Grrrr. Maybe some sight gags would help?
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2011

If you're on Facebook or Twitter or any of the social networking sites, how about doing me a favor? Give my new iPhone app a plug to your friends. I'd really appreciate it! Here's the link
tinyurl.com/cyberjoke
Easy, isn't it? 

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Do you have trouble understanding Einstein's E=MC2 theory of relativity? Think of relativity like this: sit beside a beautiful naked woman for an hour and it only seems like a minute but sit on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour!

A suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to a beautiful young woman sitting alone and asked, "What can I get you, gorgeous?" She blushed and replied, "I'll have a big stiff one, please." He smiled and whispered in her ear, "Would that be before or after I get the drinks?"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Al Johnson sends along this video that shows what happens when Star Trek meets Monty Python:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkTEIoJc

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"How's the new job, Bill?" "Oh, not so bad. I kinda like it except for our 'Seagull Manager'." "What's a Seagull Manager?" "Oh, he flies in at the worst possible time, makes a bunch of noise, sh‘ts over everything, and then leaves!"

As the Viking warship stealthily slipped up on the unsuspecting Saxon seaside village, Brodar the Chieftain rose and addressed his followers: "Men," he bellowed, "our plan is to burn the village..." "Huzzah!" roared his warriors. ..."kill all the men..." "Huzzah!" ..."and screw all the women several times!" "Hooray for our glorious leader and his wonderful plan!" they shouted. Brodar continued, "And men?" "Yes, noble Brodar?" they replied. "For God's sake get it right this time!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

GiveAwayOfTheDay.com gives away one free piece of software per day. Not trial, shareware, or beta versions, real software.
http://www.giveawayoftheday.com/

Come on. Impress your friends. Show 'em your brand new CyberJoke 3000™ for iPhone!
http://tinyurl.com/CyberJoke3000

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Vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the traveling salesmen realized he was out of paper. He found an old country store and, behind the counter, stood a cute young farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" She replied, "Well, I can... till I orgasm and then I go jes' plain loco!"

Creeping around the house, the private detectives peered into the bedroom window and saw their client's wife in bed with another man. "Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him." "Good idea," said the other. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

The Ames window is an optical illusion featuring a trapezoidal window with an angled bar bisecting it. As it rotates, the bar occasionally, magically, appears to pass through the frame as the window seems to reverse its rotation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc_LqIaO2b8

Every year or so I run low on jokes and now it's happening again. If you've been on this list for three months or more, I've sent you over a hundred jokes. Now it's your turn to send me your favorites. Surely you've got a couple hidden somewhere that you can share with the rest of us. Come on. Send them here.

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"Mom, can I have twenty dollars?" asked Little Johnny. "Certainly not!" "Would you give me twenty bucks if I told you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop this afternoon?" Mom's ears perked up. She found her purse and pulled out a twenty. "Well? What did he say?" Little Johnny replied, "He said, 'Hey, Marie, be sure you wash my socks tomorrow!' "

Lines Men Think The Perfect Wife Would Say: Of course I'll swallow it all; I love the taste. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored; let's shave my pu$$y. Oh, come on; let's get a porno, a case of beer, a few joints, and invite Tammy over for a threesome. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna scream. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover. No, I'd rather stay here and watch football and drink beer than go shopping. Go ahead and drink all you want; I'll drive home. Want to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Want to go to the mall so you can check out women's asses. If you need me, I'll be outside shoveling snow; you stay in here and watch the game. I love it when you play golf on Sundays; I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. No, let me change the oil in the car. Your mother did such a great job raising you. Do me a favor: forget the stupid Valentine's Day gift and buy yourself a new putter. It's okay; we have an anniversary every year. Why don't you go out with your buddies tonight; you'll have more fun. Let's go to that new strip club. I make enough money for both of us; why don't you retire? What a great fart; can you pop another? You look tired; you should go right to sleep as soon as we have sex tonight. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey.

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000β„’

I usually just ask my wife...but what if you're not so fortunate? How do you know if food is still good to eat? There's a site for that!
http://www.stilltasty.com/\

Thanks to everyone who submitted jokes to me today. Keep 'em comin'!

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My wife had a sex change; now it's Saturdays instead of Fridays!

One guy said, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." The second guy asked, "Really? What happened?" The first guy replied, "I got my dΒ‘ck stuck in the bottle!"

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

It's Monday. You look like you're ready for a sight gag!
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/sightgagbrowser.php?j=2021

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Phil went to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asked, "How is your sex life?" Phil responded, "I have a lot of issues with sex." The therapist asked, "What kind of issues?" Phil answered, "Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse!"

When Antonio came home from school, his grandmother asked him what he'd learned in school that day. Antonio replied, "Well, Grandma, we learned about penises and vaginas and sexual intercourse and masturbation." Grandma slapped Antonio, hard, right upside the head. He ran to his room in tears. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you hit Antonio?" Grandma replied, "Because when I asked him what he learned in school today he started talking about sex and penises and vaginas and masturbation!" "Ma! That's what they do these days--it's called sex education." Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his door, she found Antonio masturbating on his bed. She said, "Antonio, when you've finished your homework, come down and talk to me."

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It's Al Lowe's CyberJoke 3000™

CyberJokester Petrucio has written a turn-based strategy computer game where you attempt to destroy your opponent's tower while defending your own. While you can buy it this week at Best Buy for full price, he's offering CyberJoke 3000™ members the download version at a 40% discount! Just enter the coupon code CYBERJOKE40. You can learn more about it here:
http://tinyurl.com/yjm8txp
And you can see screenshots here:
http://tinyurl.com/ygt5q2p

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The newly married couple was suffering from exhaustion. They asked their doctor for advice. "It's not unusual for newlyweds to overdo it at first. All you need is rest. For the next month, limit your sex life to those days of the week with an 'R': Thursday, Friday and Saturday." Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on their first night of scheduled rest, the young bride was as eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned until after midnight before she finally nudged her spouse awake. Confused, he asked, "What day is it?" With a gleam in her eyes, she answered, "Mondray!"

"Children, today's lesson is on sharing. No one has everything they want..." but just then, Little Johnny's hand jerked up into the air. "Teacher! Teacher!" he cried. "Yes, John. What is it?" Little Johnny proclaimed, "My family has everything." "John, don't be silly. Not even the richest man has everything." "We do. My Daddy said so last night." "Really, John? What exactly did he say?" "Last night my sixteen-year-old sister came home and told Daddy that her skinhead boyfriend had gotten her pregnant. And Dad said, 'Oh, God! That's all we need!' "

---

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I am not the author of these jokes and I do not claim any copyright privileges concerning them. I assume them to be in the public domain. I do my best not to use copyrighted material. If you see any, tell me and I'll remove it immediately. You're welcome to send these jokes to anyone, as long as you forward this entire email, complete with all this information intact.