May 24, 2009
God talked to me today!  No joke!
 
This is my first journal entry in a long while.  I have been battling with a
serious case of depression for the last few months and I have had little energy;
just enough to make it day by day.  I have been cycling on a five day period
having three good days and then I had two bad days.  On the two bad days I
would be home in bed sleeping with no desire to eat only getting up when I had
to go to the restroom.  This past week was the worst I had in about a year.  I
was filled with anger and rage.  I had a poor little kitten that just would not
be litter boxed trained and I wanted to break its little neck.  I was angry
with my Psychiatrist because he seemed unwilling to do anything to help my
depression.  To make matters worst I locked I in the house all last week and I
became manic in a bad way.  I went three days with little to no sleep and I was
very ill filled with anger towards the very people that was trying to help me. 
 
At my worst point this past week, I seriously was planning to commit suicide,
but I could not decide how to carry it out.  One plan was to drink windshield
washer fluid.  I ruled that when I found out that it could case permanent
blindness.  If I failed I could be blind for the rest of my life.  The other
plan was even worst, but I was in a lot of emotional pain and I was getting to
the point that I was almost willing to do anything.  I was thinking about
jumping from a high point like the downtown parking deck, or simply jumping in
front of a moving car.  All the while I was cursing God for ever creating me,
wishing that I never was born.  I even told God if he did not take my life,
then I would do it myself.  Are you going to make me hurt myself?  This
struggle went on for hours until I had no energy to fight no more.  I remember
that one of my social workers left some med’s under the door and I finally
gave in and took them along with a
sleep medicine prescribe by my doctor.  I crashed for 14 hours and I survive
another day with this illness.  I feel like a failure and I am not dependable
on anything for anyone.  I don’t know why it is so hard for me to get out of
the bed and get my day started, but it is.  Samantha Riley and my social
workers are not going to want to here this, but I am failing with my treatment
plan and I apologize for my effort, or lack of.  Maybe that is why I am on
disability. 
 
In closing, how did God talk to me today?  No I am not hearing voices or seeing
things that are not there.  Yesterday I took time in prayer asking for
forgiveness and help.  I awoke early this morning and I checked my email.  An
Englishman and internet friend named Francis nearly always post a daily
devotional by Charles Swindoll.  It talked about the Apostle Paul and how
Christ confronted him on the road to Damascus.  The theme for today was set,
transformation and forgiveness.  Since I was up so early, I decided to go to
church at Beech Haven Baptist Church.  I went to Sunday school where it talked
about how God change Paul’s life and how Barnabas brought Paul to the
Apostles.  After Sunday school I went to the worship service.  It was during
the worship service that God talked to me through the pastor.  The message seem
tailored to me.  The service was about depression and he talked about the great
men in the bible who suffered from it,
ranging from King David and some of the prophets that wished for death before
their time.  As it turned out God was not through with them, as is God is not
through with me.  In fact they have not failed like they thought and God told
me I was no failure.  God uses our weakness to show his strength.  If God can
resurrect dead, perhaps he can resurrect me from the darkness of Depression. 
The pastor said at the end of the service said there is someone here that is
suffering from depression and contemplated suicide this week and he said to that
person don’t lose hope.  I believe he was talking to me.
 
Dave


David W. McCannon
2360 W BROAD ST APT # 211
Athens, GA 30606
http://athensmentalhealth.org



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