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An infidelity expert's comments on Jenny Sanford's Vogue interview and the
Sanford affair

August 19

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As an infidelity expert frequently called on by the media to comment on high
profile infidelity and popular infidelity issues in the news, I'd like to
comment on selected points from Jenny Sanford's interview in Vogue magazine
about her husband's infidelity.

My comments and observations are based on my 15 years of ongoing infidelity
research, which include thousands of consultations and interviews with male
and female victims of infidelity, cheaters of both sexes, and other
professionals in the field.

Below are my comments and observations on Jenny Sanford's interview in the
September 2009 issue of Vogue.

VOGUE: For the record, Jenny Sanford and most of her friends were as shocked
as the rest of America when they learned about the governor's affair with an
Argentinean divorcée.
Finding evidence of the affair last January in a stack of papers was, she
says, a shock. "It never occurred to me that he would do something like
that.

Never underestimate a man's susceptibility to infidelity. Like many wives,
Jenny did not think her husband capable of having an extramarital affair. In
fact, in one interview she said she didn't think he had it in him. But a
good marriage is not immune to infidelity, and even happy husbands cheat
too.

Last year there were 3 separate infidelity studies in 3 prestigious medical
journals which proved that no one, no marriage is immune – especially if the
right (or wrong) circumstances come into play. The best way to safeguard a
marriage or relationship is to learn to spot the early warning signs of
infidelity so that positive action can be taken before the affair reaches
the point of no return. See the articles entitled Happy Husbands Cheat Too
and Why the Wife is Still the Last to Know.

JENNY SANFORD: "Over the course of both pastoral and marriage counseling, it
became clear to me that he was just obsessed with going to see this woman. I
have learned that these affairs are almost like an addiction to alcohol or
pornography. They just can't break away from them."

The Sanford affair started out as an innocent friendship. Over a period of 8
years, it developed into an emotional affair which then progressed to
sexual infidelity. Emotional infidelity is highly addictive. Emotional
bonding between the two affair partners takes place gradually just like drug
or alcohol addiction. Once a cheating husband develops a dual
emotional/sexual bond with his mistress, like Sanford's bond to Maria Belen
Chapur, he does indeed become obsessed. Affairs in which there exists a dual
emotional/sexual bond are extremely difficult to overcome. See the article
entitled What the Sanford Affair can Teach Us about Emotional Infidelity

Jenny Sanford continues to demonstrate that she has far more insight into
the dynamics of her husband's affair than their counselors and advisors.
They failed to prepare Sanford for the withdrawal symptoms, and the
onslaught of emotions he would experience after ending his affair. When the
emotional upheaval hit him, he was caught totally off guard, and behaved in
a most embarrassing way.

VOGUE: Even so, like the rest of America, she and a friend couldn't resist
Googling the woman at the center of the firestorm. "What woman wouldn't want
to know what her husband's mistress looks like?" asks the friend. (Sanford's
reported verdict: "She's pretty.")

Most wives or girlfriends have a natural curiosity about the woman their
husband or boyfriend is cheating with. What does she look like? Is she
prettier? Smarter? Sexier? These are things almost every betrayed wife wants
to know. There's nothing wrong with this as long as the curiosity doesn't
become a morbid obsession. Another question that lurks in the background of
every betrayed wife's mind is "Will he leave me for her?" In Jenny Sanford's
case, the signs indicate that this is unlikely to happen. For more on this
see the article entitled Will He Leave You for Her?

It's also necessary for a wife to know certain things about her husband's
mistress, in order to insure the safety and well-being of her family. Is she
violent? ( Joey Buttafuco's teenage mistress, Amy Fisher, shot his wife Mary
Jo Buttofuoco in the head) Is she mentally unstable or emotionally fragile?
(Steve McNair's mistress Sahel Kazemi killed him, then turned the gun on
herself.) Does she have ulterior motives like John Edwards’ mistress Rielle
Hunter? Is she seeking fortune or fame? Will the mistress threaten or harass
her lover or his family, even after he ends the affair? Will the wife and
children need to get an order of protection? What kind of woman is she? How
will she react if things don't go her way? For more information see the
article entitled What You Need to Know About Your Husband's Mistress and
Why.

VOGUE: Her willingness to forgive and move forward is probably what has most
impressed the world about Jenny Sanford.

I think Jenny Sanford is to be commended for the position she has taken
regarding her husband's affair. She is a role model for betrayed wives
everywhere. Jenny Sanford has shown the world that a wife with a cheating
husband can lay the groundwork for saving her marriage without sacrificing
her dignity and self respect. See the article entitled Jenny Sanford shows
Betrayed Wives How to Take a Firm Stand.

VOGUE: Whether her friends think she should stay with her husband is another
question. "I think she will be fine with him or without him," says Reese.

Friends and family usually have very strong opinions about whether or not a
wife should stay with a cheating husband. But it's the wife who has to make
the ultimate choice. She is the one who will have to live with the choice,
and it's not an easy one to make. Many factors need to be taken into
consideration before reaching a decision that will serve her and her
children's best interests. See the articles entitled Why Women Stay with Men
Who Cheat and What Ordinary Women Do When their Husbands Cheat, and the free
tip sheet Go or Stay? – How to Decide Whether to Give a Cheater a Second
Chance.

JENNY SANFORD: "If you don't forgive," she says, "you become angry and
bitter. I don't want to become that. I am not in charge of revenge.

Unlike many betrayed wives, Jenny Sanford is not out for revenge. She has
far better things to do with her time. Many scorned wives invest a lot of
time and effort trying to get even with the cheating husband, or seeking
revenge on the mistress for her role in the affair. Often this only serves
to make a bad situation worse. That time and energy is best spent in finding
an effective way to handle the affair and move on from there. For more
information, see the article entitled How Betrayed Wives and Other
Infidelity Victims Get Revenge on their Cheating Mates.

JENNY SANFORD: All I can do is forgive. Reconciliation is something else,
and that is going to be a harder road. I have put my heart and soul into
being a good mother and wife. Now I think it's up to my husband to do the
soul-searching to see if he wants to stay married. The ball is in his
court."

In their eagerness to hold onto their marriage or relationship, many female
victims of infidelity become doormats, bending over backwards to please
their cheating husbands or boyfriends to keep them from leaving. All this
does is empower the cheater. See the free tip sheet How Wives with Cheating
Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand.

Jenny Sanford seems to be well aware that forgiveness is not something to be
simply handed over on a silver platter. She has made it clear to her husband
that he will to work hard and put fort a concerted effort to rebuild their
marriage and regain her trust.

As Jenny Sanford put it, the ball is now in Mark Sanford's court.

---------------------------------
Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called
on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news. She is the
author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, the founder of
InfidelityAdvice.com and blogs at Infidelity News and Views.


For more information, you may wish to refer to one or more of the related
articles mentioned above. All links appear below:

Happy Husbands Cheat, Too

Why the Wife is Still the Last to Know

What the Sanford Affair can Teach Us about Emotional Infidelity

Will He Leave You for Her?

What You Need to Know About Your Husband’s Mistress and Why

Jenny Sanford shows Betrayed Wives How to Take a Firm Stand

Why Women Stay with Men Who Cheat

What Ordinary Women Do When their Husbands Cheat

Go or Stay? – How to Decide Whether to Give a Cheater a Second Chance (free
tip sheet)

How Betrayed Wives and Other Infidelity Victims Get Revenge on their
Cheating Mates

How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand (free tip sheet)



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