WOSSNAME --DECEMBER 2003 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
9) ANOTHER HOGSWATCH CAROL
I recently suggested we try to fill in the lines
of the proposed 12 Days of Hogwatch carol,
but alas time was too short to hear from
anyone, so I gave it a shot myself:
THE 12 DAYS OF HOGSWATCH
On the first day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
A Patrician in a pear tree
On the second day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Two evil vampires
On the third day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Three flying witches
On the fourth day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Four giant elephants
On the fifth day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Five loaves of Dwarf Bread
On the sixth day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Six fighting Pictsies
On the seventh day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Seven Tooth Faeries
On the eighth day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Eight Spectral Colors
On the ninth day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Nine stupid Trolls
On the tenth day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Ten tiny Godlings
On the eleventh day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Eleven bold Assassins
On the twelfth day of Hogswatch, my true love gave to me
Twelve Silver Horders
That's the best I can do. Feel free to improve any of the
lines and send them in.
-- Joe Schaumburger, in a troubadorial mood
10) THIS MONTH'S PUZZLE: CARPE JUGULUM
Answer the questions and put the letter indicated into
the spot shown. Read the letters backwards and
discover who took over control of Lancre.
(Note: all spellings are from the 1997 Gollancz edition.)
Example: Pratchett's first name -- 1st letter:
1. Lancre's standing army (first name, 1st letter)
2. A soldier of the Count, known to his friends as "Bent Bill" (last name,
3. A priest of the Omnian religion (first name, 8th letter)
4. The firebird. (1st letter)
5. The Count's coachman and servant (first name, 2nd letter)
6. The Count's daughter (first name, 2nd letter)
7. The maid at Lancre Castle (first name, 1st letter)
8. The Kelda (last name, 5th letter)
9. Hodgesaargh 's eagle [second name, 1st letter)
10. Granny of Esme (last name, 4th letter)
__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/__/ = They took control of Lancre
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/
Puzzle solution will appear next month.
SOLUTION TO LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE: THE LAST CONTINENT
1. Runs a pub in Dijabringabeeralong (first name, 6th letter)
CROCODILE = D
2. Archchancellor who built a privy over a black hole (last name, 2nd letter)
WEATHERWAX = E
3. When she sang "Prancing Queen," you could slice bread
with it (first name, last letter)
DARLEEN = N
4. Unseen University's magic and tongueless bell (first name, last letter)
OLD TOM = D
5. Kangaroo who Rincewind meets in cave (first name, 4th letter)
SCRAPPY = A
6. Inventor of the Graphical Device (last name, 5th letter)
OLD "RUBBER" HOUSER = E
7. Unseen University's housekeeper (last name, 2nd letter)
MRS. WHITLOW = H
8. Rincewind's horse, named after Daggy's dog (2nd letter)
SNOWY = N
9. Neilette's name for The Luggage (6th letter)
TRUNKIE = I
10. Inspiration for the Peach Nellie (last name, last letter)
NELLIE BUTT = T
D_/E_/N_/D_/A_/E_/H_/N_/I_/T_/ = Famous legendary sheep stealer
1*/ 2*/ 3*/4*/ 5*/6*/7*/8*/9*/10/ TIN HEAD NED
11) YOUR LONG-AWAITED DISC HOROSCOPE
At last Lady Aranluc has managed to send us a
horoscope direct from the Discworld where she has
now taken up permanent residence for tax reasons.
HOW TO COPE WITH WINTER -- THE FLU
Along with the cold winter winds come the winter ailments.
This month, the least famous witch this side of the
Ankh (yours truly) will speak about to you about health
and especially about how to handle the flu. This is not a
problem on Discworld, actually, since they have recently
begun treating it with octarine pills, but since these are
not available on Roundworld, you may find some of the
former Discworld treatments to be of help.
21 March - 20 April
The Perhaps Gate
After long and hard investigation, they've finally isolated the
elemental particle causing colds: the fluon and its anti-particle,
the aspirinon. The particle-antiparticle clash gets them both
to disintegrate each other and releases an enormous amount
of energy equivalent to four nuclear pumpkins, according to the
High Energy Department at UU. Unfortunately, so far this has
instantly annihilated 50% of the human population where it
has been tested, and seems to cause mutations in the rest.
80% of whom have not proved viable in the subsequent nuclear
winter. But the survivors will be free of the flu and acclaim you
as a hero. It's just a bit sad that most of them will be cockroaches...
21 April - 21 May
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips
Viruses will attack you, like every other human being, during
most of the winter. No matter how many pills you take, no matter
the effort you put into not breathing your neighbor's breath.
You'll have bogeys hanging from your nose and you cannot avoid
it. Just one detail will cheer you up in your darkest hour: if you
manage to keep all those nasal subproducts you are continually
generating fresh, you'll have a future in the office supply industry.
Or did you think Post-its worked some other way?
22 May - 21 June
The Two Fat Cousins
Stunned by nose congestion and in a state of idiocy caused by
fever, you'll enter a trance and wander the streets with blank
eyes following your holy totem animal in search for your destiny:
the mental institution. There, they'll spend a fun month trying
to make you understand that AC is quite different from DC, and
is not some sort of Mystic Heavenly Chariot that can enable you
to fly. After your arms and legs heal, you'll attract many new
friends in the Hospital's dining room: where the colors you
glow will light up the whole area, and your flu will be gone.
And if not, no one will ever notice.
22 June - 22 July
Wezen, the Two-Headed Kangaroo
A strange virus is taking over your body, mixing with your DNA and
causing important, irreversible mutations. Blue hair grows out of
your skin, your nose is reabsorbing, your teeth are falling out,
your mouth broadens towards your ears, which disappear into
vestigial ones, and your eyeballs grow to a level which would
get you an instant role on Buffy, if it was still on. Your linguistic
skills will devolve to the ape level. The treatment is simple:
get fascinated about all eleven dimensions (close-far, up-down,
left-right, etc.) and spend long hours studying their nature.
Your stomach will get unable to absorb any food apart from
pizza, which you'll chew with unleashed fury. You will have
no flu problem any more and a great future in child education,
although it may be from inside a cage.
23 July - 23 August
The Cow of Heaven
After studying the constellations for a whole month, searching
for this sign, I haven't found the least signal about your future.
So there's no future. You are damned. The only ones who will
get saved are the usual 50% whose future we never get right, and
the ones taking orange-flavoured bifidus, this month's sponsor in
Cori Celesti. The causes of death will be varied, ranging from
heart-attacks upon receiving the bills for Hogswatch presents to
avalanches of children happy with those same presents. Oh? No, no,
wait a minute. Yesss, don't you worry. Let's see... Ah! Not a
single thing to worry. It's just that the Discworld sun had got
between my observatory and the constellation, and I couldn't see
it. Everything's OK. You'll be very happy and won't even get a
flu, nor will die for any other reason. Honest. Hey, if you die, sue me.
24 August - 23 September
Mubbo, the Hyena
Offler, the mystic crocodile, is in your sign, which means that,
besides having to go out with a baseball club just in case, you'll
be free from any common virus. Any microorganism near you will flee
when seeing that huge animal in your company. There is only one
virus immune to this spell: the blind reptilian streptococcus. Symptoms
include vertigo, disorientation, nose congestion and advanced genital
atrophy. Therefore, if I was you, I'd worry about any strange warts...
24 September - 23 October
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars
A mystic beverage can help you with your respiratory affection. It
was developed in early times by the old nomad tribes in Klatch and
its secret is only known to those who have spent some time there.
In order to get the necessary ingredients you'll have to pass a
bravery test: climb up your house frontage until reaching your
neighbor's balcony and, risking your own life and saneness, rip
three magical leaves out of his clandestine plant. An infusion with
these leaves will take away your worries about the flu's symptoms.
And about nearly everything else, since we're at it. Just don't
let the police suspect you have any. Otherwise, I predict a
long, quiet life for you with lots of time for reading.
24 October - 22 November
Okjok, the Salesman
No. It won't. Really. Your idea will not work. OK, today there is
nothing more successful than reality programs on TV, but your idea
is even freakier than Joe Millionaire. But who knows, maybe if you
take a videocam along when you go organic-waste hunting
you could sell the videotape to someone. Or even sell the
organic waste. Properly spread around your yard, it will
give you a lovely green lawn. Just be careful where you walk.
23 November - 21 December
The Overworked Orang-Utang
Flu is just a mental state. To heal up, you need nothing more than
will and self-suggestion. No medicine, no doctors. That which cannot
be perceived does not exist. Your goal is to reach nasal nirvana,
the absence of any bogeous feeling. There are quite a lot of
techniques to reach it, but you can always resort to material
help: you can destroy your mucous by inhaling pickle juice,
but maybe this going too far away. Inhaling glue or industrial solvents
is far cheaper, and besides you'll get into a nice world of colors and
lessen postoperative pains. The only drawback of this method
is the high cell-brain mortality ate, so it should not be tried out
by students, although it is fine for politicians and radio talkshow people.
22 December - 20 January
The Celestial Parsnip
This technique for beating the flu is based on your
cosmic sign, the celestial parsnip. Go to your local
supermarket and buy about 50 pounds of parsnips. It
may sound expensive, but it's cheaper than going to see
your doctor. Go on an all-parsnip diet. Eat them at every
meal. Juice them and drink a quart a day. Make more
juice and bathe in it. Pour juice on everything you wear,
especially your undergarments. Sleep in heaps of
parsnip peelings. This is not guaranteed to cure you, but
you will make many new friends and lose a lot of old ones.
Maybe one of your new friends knows a good specialist.
He's certain to know a good shrink.
21 January - 18 February
The Knotted String
After hastily reading Isaac Asimov's "Innerspace" under the effects
of alcohol and other, still unidentified, substances, and vaguely
remembering "Innerspace" (the movie), you've decided that the only
solution for that flu is to build an atomic mini-submarine and,
driving it, shrink yourself into a microscopic level and get injected
into your own blood to fight the viruses in situ, in a stand-alone
combat. Your logic is perfect, but I think you are missing something
19 February - 20 March
The Flying Moose
Be careful of what you eat. There is a high chance that the natives
of this sign become victims of a grave alimentary intoxication. It
spreads by eating in fast food restaurants and has the following
symptoms: hair-loss plus hirsutism (extreme hair-growing),
Intermittent regurgitation of hairballs, and growing a tail.
Day sleepiness and night insomnia. Brisk libido thrills which will
get the patient to rub against any other human being near them.
Passion for raw fish and rodent meat. Fascination with
oscillating objects. Nail hypertrophy and a tendency to scratch
your environs. Irrational hate towards Quantum Theory and
Schrödinger's work. If you have these symptoms, rush out and
consult your doctor or at least your family veterinarian.
-- Lady Aranluc
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
Copyright (c) 2003 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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