Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
April 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 4, Post 3)
1) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE FOR APRIL
2) LATE BREAKING NEWS
1) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno! The Lady Asterisk is unavailable to be your astrologer
this month, for she is indisposed on account of carrots. But do not
be afeared, for it is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be your
astrologer this month!
My friends, this has been the very busy month for Fernando. As he
mentioned last month, Great A'tuin has made the small course
correction and Fernando has been the very busy adjusting his star
charts. The other astrologers, they do not consider this change to
be important enough to bother with. Not important? And they call
themselves astrologers! Fernando is diligent and tells you that even
the smallest change in the stars can have great effects!
Fernando is pleased to announce that, on the 16th of next month,
between 3:08am and 5:42am precisely, the constellation of The
Adamant Hedgehog will be temporarily replaced by Jo-Jo The Boy-Faced
Dog. One of the little-known constellations, Fernando is the first
to admit, but for those two and a half hours, Hoggers will find
their personality to be completely different! You will find yourself
surprisingly patient and kindly-disposed towards your lessers (and,
as a Hogger, you consider the Disc is *filled* with your lessers);
your prognostication skills will be replaced by a remarkable talent
for decorating cakes; and your shoulder-blades and kidneys will
become the important organs for you. Afterwards, a passing comet
will nudge the stars back into position, and you will be your usual
spiky, arrogant self again.
And this month holds the very important and holy days of Soul Cake
Duck Tuesday, Flapjack Wednesday, Lentil Week and Not Too Bad
Friday. Fernando has been back and forth to Brindisi to visit his
sainted mamma and has hardly had time to eat the flapjacks or wear
ashes in his underwear. (Do not be concerned, my friends, for the
Gods understand that Fernando does not let his devotions slide, for
Fernando's very existence is the best devotion to the Gods.)
Fernando has asked the stars for the advice on which Gods' religious
celebrations you should give the extra attention to this month.
Fernando understands that you all have your personal gods, and
Fernando does not intend to convert you. But the Gods do believe
that you can't have too much piety, and it never hurts to share a
little of it around, capisce?
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
(and Jo-Jo The Boy-Faced Dog)
Hoggers, the religious celebration you should give attention to this
month is the holy day of Nori the Flaming Kelp, whose prophet
Makirol led His people into 20 generations of slavery. Fernando can
tell you that the most important ceremony of the day is that of
Shinkansen, where hundreds of worshippers are pushed by specially
trained troll ushers into a large wagon were they stand for hours,
packed like sardines carefully ignoring each other. Do not be
afeared of fainting, my friends, for you cannot possibly fall with
nine other people jammed around you. In fact, it can be kind of
restful, once you get used to the discomfort and smell and leg
cramps and inability to move your hands even an inch. At the end of
the day, it is traditional to drink hot green tea and eat tuna rolls
without tuna. Or rice.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Munchers, the stars say you should celebrate the holy day of Big Bad
Arty Brown, God of Hellfire, shouting really loudly, and also of
accidentally setting yourself on fire while singing. As part of the
celebrations, you are supposed to accidentally set your hair on fire
with a candle, but do not be afeared my friends, for only the most
devoted or clumsy actually do this. Trust Fernando when he tells you
that it is sufficient to merely singe your eyebrows a little, put on
a hat with red and orange flames painted on it, and then run around
the room shouting symbolically and beating at the symbolic flames.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians, your holy day is that of Pass-by, the celebration of
deliverance when the Heavenly Angel went from house to house
collecting signatures for a petition to have the Ice Giants evicted
from Club Celestial. But the Prophet Jebediah made the small signs
saying "No unsolicited callers" and handed them out to the Righteous
Ones, who put them on their door and the Angel passed-by their
house, except for Jimbo the Foolish who threw his away and had to
listen to the Angel going on and on about the Ice Giants for an
hour, and by the time he got free, his supper was cold. So every
year, at the celebration of Pass-by, worshippers eat a piping hot
feast and leave one plate out to get cold in remembrance of Jimbo.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Staffies, your holy day is the Crash of the Titans, when the Titans
Jubal and Early had rather too much to drink and crashed the
celestial cart into Uberwald. Some people believe it was the Fifth
Elephant and not the Titans, but Fernando knows that when it comes
to religion, they can both be true at the same time, for what is
truth compared to having the Gods come knocking at 2am with sharp
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilians, let Fernando tell you that your deity is Ceedi the Holy Old
Gin-Soaked Lush, consort to the Oh God and goddess of morning after
regrets, badly applied mascara, and walking home from the nightclub
with your shoes in your hand. During the Week of Kahluau, your
celebrations include the much drinking of sticky cocktails, sending
embarrassing messages to ex-lovers on your Gooseberry, and dancing
on tables in only your underwear (but not *professionally*, my
friends, you must understand, not unless you are the member of the
Guild of Ecdysiasts trust Fernando on this).
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Snippies, your celebration is the Miracle of the Nail, when the God
Placebo caused the kingdom of the Sorbelites to fall for want of a
nail. As the sacred prayer goes:
For Want of the Nail, the Kingdom will fall.
For Want of the Nail, the Horseshoe was lost.
And the boy picked up the Horseshoe and threw
it over his shoulder for luck.
Whereby it hit some guy on the head.
And he got angry and said, Who threw this
bloody horseshoe, I'll knock his teeth out.
And the boy said, It wasn't me, nobody saw me
do it, it was that man over there.
And the First Man picked up a Chair and hit
the Second Man.
It goes on like this for a few dozen pages, and then ends:
And so the Mob dragged the King out into the
street and fed him to his own crocodiles.
And thus fell the Kingdom of the Sorbelites.
Blessing be upon Placebo.
Start learning it now, my friends, for you will have to recite the
whole thing from memory while standing on one leg in a pail of sour
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns, let Fernando tell you that your religious celebration is
that of the World-Chihuahua Fenneck, who (so it is said) is destined
to be there at the End of the World, when the Ice Giants ride out
over the Disc against the Gods themselves, and Fenneck will sit on
the couch trembling and finally will cause the downfall of Blind Io
by humping his leg at an inopportune moment. My friends, you will be
relieved to hear that all you need to do on this day of celebration
is to sit on your own couch trembling, something that Boring'uns are
very good at doing, and even more relieved to hear that you don't
have to hump anyone's leg.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Andies, your holy day is that of the two-faced god with the two
names, Jarse/Janice. In his male incarnation, Jarse is the God of
thresholds, scene changes in the theatres, new moons and old
cheeses, while Janice is the Goddess of leaning out of windows, the
hearths that really need a good scrubbing, taking things out of
ovens, and hatchings. In both forms, the God/Goddess is well known
for making the promises to his/her followers but not delivering. In
fact, my friends, Jarse/Janice is well known on Cori Celesti for
his/her feud with Fedecks, Messenger of the Gods, for not
delivering! This feud has been going on for so many centuries that
Blind Io is now thinking of serving Jarse/Janice with a DASBO, the
Divine Anti-Social Behaviour Order that even the Gods fear. Fernando
knows that this is so, for the stars themselves have told him.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Spooners, your holy day is the Heavenly Slack Day Off, when the
prayers of the faithful allowed the god Ferris to save himself and
defeat the evil demon Rooney who wants to enslave him in eternal
boredom. On this holy day, you must eat unusual organ meats, watch
other people playing sports, come up with excuses for staying away
from work, and generally take it easy. However, my friends, let
Fernando give you the advice: to be true to the real spirit of the
Slack Day Off, you cannot just take it easy on the officially
sactioned holiday, but must have your slack day when you are
supposed to be doing something else. Fernando can tell you of the
time when the High Priest himself was found slacking off at the
theatre when he was supposed to be leading the prayers of the
faithful at the official Slack Day Off mass. Truly he is a holy man.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Hokians, the stars tell Fernando that your religious day is the holy
day of Nigelia, the Goddess of prosperity (by Fernando's count, one
of at least thirty-seven Goddesses of prosperity), little shiny cake
decorations (Fernando is astonished at the tiny edible ball bearings
you get in Ankh-Morpork! Who else would have thought to make ball
bearings you can eat?), and rich food that sits in your stomach like
lead. This day celebrates the time when she baked a curry so hot
that the gods themselves could not eat it, so they threw it out the
window and destroyed the city of Flurm and two hundred square miles
of prime farmland around it. But do not be saddened, my friends, for
the people of Flurm were all wicked (especially the babies) and so
deserved their fate.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Gazundians, your holy day is that of the Shirtless Man, a demi-god
still worshipped in secret in some rural communities far from the
watchful eyes of the Patrician and the Archbishop Ridcully. You will
celebrate the day the Shirtless Man cut himself up and baked himself
in a pie to win a bet with his father, and came back alive after
three days in the Underworld, without his shirt. (Fernando knows
that those succubi just won't take no for an answer. Many a night
Fernando can hardly sleep for all the succubi lining up. Fernando
tells them, all at once or one at a time, it's all the same to
Fernando, but he will need his beauty sleep, or after a few weeks he
will start looking merely ordinary. And that buying him a new shirt
is their problem, not Fernando's.)
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians, the stars say that you should give your devotion to
Joligrin, the God of peas, shoes that are just slightly too small,
pieces of paper that you had just put down a minute ago and now you
can't find, and forest fires. The avatar of Joligrin is a being with
the body of a man and the head of a different man. On his holy day,
you eat peas, wear seven pairs of socks, and beat the tar out of any
children you meet unless they are carrying an egg. This is not cruel
to the children, for it impresses on them a sense of awe and
religious devotion, and learning to carry an egg around improves
their co-ordination. Trust Fernando on this, for he knows that it is
2) LATE BREAKING NEWS
2.1 DISCWORLD PLAYS NEWS
WYRD SISTERS IN FALMOUTH
The Falmouth and Exeter Cornwall Campus Light Entertainment Society
(FECCLES) will present their production of Wyrd Sisters in May.
WHEN: 12th and 13th May 2011
VENUE: The Poly, Falmouth, Cornwall UK
TICKETS:£7 (£5 concession)
MORT IN CUMBRIA
BATS (Burneside Amateur Theatrical Society) will stage their special
production of Mort in May:
"Staged by the trusty talents of Burneside Amateur Theatrical
Society, the cast includes many BATS stalwarts, including Jackie
O'Sullivan as well as another well-known Lakeland entertainer, Bob
Christie... However, some of the younger members of BATS play the
principal roles and could possibly steal the show such is their high
standard of acting... BATS prop genius Alison Harkness has woven her
magic into the production and director Gordon Lawson has designed
and built with Chris Elleray a superb set that brings Terry
Pratchett's fantasy world into the Bryce... Meanwhile, mystery
surrounds the identity of who plays Death. Except to say, he's a
sizeable six-feet six."
WHEN: May 12th-14th 2011
VENUE: Bryce Institute, Burneside
TICKETS: Box office 07792-777213.
BATS on Facebook:
2.2 THE WEARING OF THE LILAC
What Discworld started, the fans have taken up around Roundworld.
Don't forget your lilac especially as more and more people are
doing Lilac Day-themed fundraising. The 25th of May is also
international or intergalactic Towel Day, and some wags are
combining the two by wearing lilac-coloured towels. What will you do
for Lilac Day this year?
You could buy a pin:
"On May 25th, fans of Sir Terry Pratchett's novels 'wear the lilac'
in honor of the events in the novel Night Watch. Now, we have an
even more important reason to do so - supporting Alzheimer's
research around the world. These lilac pins are made from life-size
silk blooms and tied with a black velvet ribbon. A light lilac satin
grosgrain ribbon is available for those who would like to give the
pin as a gift to a friend or family member. The large size blooms
are approximately the size of a lady's corsage spray, and the
smaller blooms are the size of a gentleman's buttonhole/boutonniere.
"Each pin is $10.00 US, which includes USPS First Class shipping
within the US and Puerto Rico. Shipping is combined in multiple pin
orders. The cost for each additional pin is $5.00 US. For example,
three pins (3 x $5.00) shipped to the same address ($5.00 shipping)
would be $20.00. Prices for international orders are the same as in
the US. Shipping overseas is via USPS First Class International
Mail. To place an order, simply click on the image of the pin you
would like to order on the left hand side of the page and add it to
the Paypal shopping cart. Your shipping will be calculated with your
"If you want to donate to Wear the Lilac and don't want a pin,
you're welcome to do so. All donations are declared in the periodic
financial/donation update link lower down the page. Just send the
money to whimsy.wearables@...
via Paypal or send us an email
for the snail mail address...
"The proceeds from the sales of these pins were donated to
Alzheimer's research on May 25th 2008, split between the American
Alzheimer's Association and the Alzheimer's Research Trust. Another
donation will be made on May 25, 2009, and each May 25th thereafter.
Please go to www.alz.org or www.alzheimers-research.org.uk if you
would like more information."
...or a towel:
"I am an avid reader and fan of fantasy and science fiction. This is
what makes May 25th such a challenge: celebrate Towel Day or Wear
the Lilac? Towel Day first began in 2001, two weeks following the
death of beloved author Douglas Adams... In Terry Pratchett's
Night Watch (one of my favorites), several characters Wear the Lilac
on May 25th in remembrance of the Glorious Revolution of Treacle
Mine Road. Given Pratchett's diagnosis of early onset
Alzheimer's in 2007, fans now Wear the Lilac both in celebration
of Pratchett and to raise awareness and funding for Alzheimer's
"Want to celebrate both? Etsy artist The Lazy Daisy is offering a
towel featuring the lilac, a portion of the proceeds to benefit
Alzheimer's research around the world: http://tinyurl.com/5r5qz36
To view this entire post, go to: http://tinyurl.com/3bncg5k
...or design a new Lilac Day fundraiser:
"On Twitter a few of us were talking about this and suggesting that
we wouldn't want one or other day to get the upper hand, as it
were, leaving the other day less noticed. The net result of that
conversation was that perhaps we should all wear towelling robes on
May 25th. The robes would be lilac in colour and have DON'T PANIC
embroidered on the back, with all sales proceeds going to
www.alz.org or www.alzheimers-research.org.uk.
"You heard it here first. Get on board. And if anyone wants to
manufacture those robes and donate the profits to Alzheimer's
research then I'm sure karma would reward you generously."
More fundraising jewellery for Lilac Day:
A collection of lovely Night Watch- and lilac-wearing-related blog
Someone's already done the easy option:
Someone's counting down to the day:
Someone else knows that the lilac comes before the towel in order of
If you have any questions or requests, write:
Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion