EDITOR'S NOTE: Scheduled to appear next weekend in a six-part mini-series starting on January 22nd on the Public Broadcasting Service ( PBS that's Channel 13 for us here in NYC ) is Bleak House , starring Gillian "The X-Files " Anderson as a horny, gothic Victorian lady who faints every time she fantasizes about large male penises.
Before watching the scorching Straightheads movie that will be in theaters later this year, the viewer is urged to use Bleak House as a kind of warm-up. That's how sizzling-hot Gillian is. If you don't heed this papers warning, they'll be carrying you out of the cinema in a stretcher ! And won't that be so embarrassing for you? Oh, and here's a clue while you're watching Bleak House . Remember how youve noticed that in so many British mystery novels, plays and films it's usually a case of "The Butler Did It !" or "The Maid Did It !" ? Well, in this case, it's more like "The Pussy Cat Did It !"
What follows are only the highlights of a message that radio "shock-jock" Howard Stern posted in mid-March of last year, 2005. Prior to that infamous posting, the engaged actress, Gillian Leigh Anderson that seductive, pouty-lipped temptress of X-Files fame had been in England for some time carrying on illicit multiple affairs with men from the British Royal Family, as well as English directors, producers and co-stars, while her daughter was many thousands of miles away being reared by her actual biological father, none other than The X-Files creator, Chris Carter.
Very soon after that posting, how do we find Gillian? Cooling her wild oats with her naive, newly-married husband, Julian Ozanne, and finally demonstrating something resembling a maternal role by bringing her daughter, Piper, over to England where she is currently raising her.
After postponing the wedding for over a year, Gillian finally agreed to tie the knot with Ozanne a disgustingly fat, unctuous man who when standing next to Gillian looks like he could pass for her father. Ozanne's slight connection to the British Royal Family was too valuable for Gillian to avoid seizing upon when she first arrived in the U.K. in the summer of 2002 ( on the heels of the cancelation of her series ) and was desperate to make influential connections in London's entertainment community. And, apparently, Gillian's millions were too valuable for Ozanne, in turn, to avoid, as well, for he has now quit his prior vocations and is quickly separating Gillian from her dwindling X-Files riches as she struggles to finance his frivolous new ventures.
A cause-and-effect relationship? It is painfully true that his irreverent acid-tongue comments, rapid-fire questions and unforgiving style of interrogation make even the most interview-savvy of the world's celebrities ( and even professional interviewers, themselves ) cower and quake in his shark-like wake, but still, COULD HOWARD STERN'S MERE BLOG POSTING ACTUALLY HAVE CARRIED SUCH PHENOMENAL INTERNATIONAL INFLUENCE ? I always thought that "Dana Scully" was always ready to kick ANY guy in the balls and not give a damn what he thought or said about her. Well, you be the judge. Read on and decide for yourself.
Hey, my world-wide fans. It's me, the "King of All Media" HOWARD STERN.
Earlier this week, my radio station had our female listeners call in and talk about the Valentine's Day presents that their boyfriends got them last month. Too many of them said that the gifts sucked. Guys, when are you gonna learn that if you want your babe to be happy about the G-string or garter belt you got her, it better come attached to something she can REALLY use, like a purse or jewelry?
Well, someone's gotta be the man here, so while most of those guys struck out, I'm gonna step up to the plate and swing for the fences. Here's my very late Valentine's Day present to all my hundred-million fans.
It's an erotic novellete that was voted and received two awards in Las Vegas for being "The Best Adult Short Story Ever Written."
It stars "Baywatch Babe" CARMEN ELECTRA / "World Wrestling Entertainment's Ultimate Diva" TORRIE WILSON / "Xfiles Babe" GILLIAN ANDERSON / and "Everybody's Babe" PATRICIA HEATON. But what would all this tasty cheesecake be without something to beef it up? That's where DAVID DUCHOVNY and MITCH PILEGGI from the XFILES come in.
My adult fans will appreciate it as a kick-ass story with lots of hot sex, but SCI - FI ADDICTS won't be disappointed either. The part in chapter 5 about what spooky stuff is actually going on in the moon right now and that our government is keeping secret from us (surprise! surprise!) had me all freaked out. I was shaking in my high-top Reeboks. And my listeners know I don't scare easily. Death to the F.C.C.! Down with the F.C.C.!
Plus, it rips away all the bells and whistles that Hollywood has adorned the UFO Phenomenon with for the past five decades by revealing for the first time in history the true, cold, hard facts that explain what those sightings really consist of and what their purpose is. Once again, our government does NOT want you to have this info.
Here's what "THE OUTLAW CRITIC" had to say:
During my long, illustrious career under the direction of Hugh Heffner, I have reviewed over 7,000 sexy short stories and adult movies from dozens of men's magazines, journals and catalogues. Without exception, Bobby Diaz's "An Enchanting Evening with Gillian Anderson" leaves all of them buried in its sinful dust. Like a samurai's sword, it slices through so many levels of pop culture. The winner of two literary awards, it encompasses many genres of human experience, from today's presidential election to the next race four years hence, from ethnic discrimination to urban blight, from the drugging of America to support for our troops overseas, from history's WWII to today's terrorism to tomorrow's lunar exploitation. At the speed of light, it travels from the tiny molecules within human cells to exploding
galaxies all around us, with continuous references to such shows as Seinfeld, Sex and the City, Fear Factor, and Letterman, and such personalities as Princess Di, Cruise, Spacey, DeNiro, Clooney, Kidman, Connelly, Jolie, Hayek, Weaver, Pacino, Gere, Spears, Madonna, Bronson and Branson, Trump, the two Jacksons, the two Clintons, and other luminaries, while audaciously tickling our collective memories of movies (many, many movies), TV shows, commercials, and songs of today and days gone by, seamlessly stitched into the very fabric of the plot. I have never seen this done before. He is a master at it and it's truly a wonder to behold. Bobby Diaz's short story is a riveting tour de force that boldly proposes the invention of the "DOUBLE THONG" in women's wear and the "MARS MOTH TECHNIQUE" of a certain "back-door" form of sexual
intercourse as it rudely yanks off the bed covers of the behind-the-scenes sex going on in the set of the X Files and the behind-closed-door dalliances of British Royalty. And all of this smoothly unfolding against A TORRID, RAUNCHY BACKDROP OF JAW-DROPPING SEX that had this seasoned critic screaming out loud in shock multiple times. I can unequivocally state that this short story is destined to become required reading in college sexology courses throughout modern, enlightened society. I dare say, Mr. Diaz can now be crowned the "Father of Impossible Sex." Grab a pair of oven mitts to avoid burning your fingers, and then turn the pages at your own risk!
And the "Erotique Critique," the anonymous newsletter that is circulated among the top-secret sex clubs of London's rich and famous acclaims, "Bobby Diaz's Novelette is certain to become the Harry Potter of the adult sex industry. Soon anyone and everyone who classifies themself as sexually liberated and erotically illuminated will have read it from cover-to-cover many times. Scandalous, memorised quotes are already being shouted in brutish rave clubs and whispered in sophisticated restaurants from ear-to-ear-to-shocked-ear. All one has to do is listen, and then prepare to gasp. Mr Diaz has generated a new wave of sexual revolution, and it's coming for you."
I found out about these reviews last week over the Infinity Broadcasters' Newswire while on the air and I asked my fans to fax me a copy of the story. The first one to find and fax it got comped at Score's. One of my sexy interns bound the pages into a little pamphlet for me and I started reading it on my chauffeured ride back home. I couldn't put it down. Even during dinner I had my fork in one hand and the hot pamphlet in the other.
I finished reading it in bed and all I could think about was I got to let my fans in on this. The smart ones will read one or two of the hot chapters out loud to their babes. But be prepared to call in sick the next day because guaranteed as shit stinks you're gonna spend the whole night before making whoopee!
The story's main character is Gillian Leigh Anderson. The ever illusive Gilly.
A lot of my fans will remember that back in '97 I invited Gillian Leigh Anderson, the main character of the Hot Story, to my studio for an interview. She had just finished winning an Emmy (and three Golden Globes) for best actress in a drama series. But I had heard through the radio-frequency grapevine that the crew over at the Xfiles were pissed-off that Gillian never officially thanked them when she accepted her Emmy. She exclusively thanked only her family.
Out of revenge, the producers and writers of the Xfiles started plotting a way to kill off her character and bring a new, big-breasted Dana Scully onboard. But her boss/lover Chris Carter tipped her off and to prevent it from happening Gillian took out ads in the Hollywood trade papers where she personally thanked all of the Xfiles crew for enabling her to win the much-coveted Emmy.
The reason Gillian thanked only her family at first was that they were the ones that were actually raising her baby daughter Piper Maru who was only two at the time.
Even though I'm hung like a pimple, Gillian Anderson always gave me scary bulges in my pajamas. I remember watching the Xfiles on Sunday nights in bed with a whole box of Kleenex tissues under the covers with me. (As usual, my sexually repressed, ex-wife would be downstairs minding the rugrats.) By the time the closing credits were flashing by, I had used up most of the box. Just one big sticky wet mess.
While watching Gillian during all those Xfiles episodes I just knew that there was no way she could look that hot, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, without any bags under her eyes, if she was constantly getting up in the middle of the night for all those breast feedings during the second and third seasons. Instead it was Grandma Anderson and Auntie Z. that were breaking out the hundreds of warm milk bottles and suffering all that sleep deprivation.
I also learned that Gillian's boss Chris Carter was her baby's REAL daddy - not Gillian's ex-husband Clyde Klotz, which turned out to be the reason for their low-key divorce.
I also learned that Carter ripped off not only the "Out There" epigraph to his Xfiles show, and the names Dana, Fox, and Scully, but several other key concepts from the 1990 investigative book Out There: The Government's Secret Quest for Extraterrestrials by Howard Blum, best-selling author and Pulitzer Prize nominee, former New York Times journalist, published by Simon and Schuster, the same great visionaries who published my own awesome book.
Back in 1997 I wanted to ask Gillian Anderson about all of this, but she declined my invitation several times. But now, in mid-March of 2005, now that Hollywood is in talks to putting out the sequel to the first Xfiles movie, which was rerun on Fox5 here in NYC this past Halloween, my offer still stands.
My sexy interns did some last-minute research and just today I found out that Gillian Anderson can't deal with even looking at her own daughter (now 10) because she is the spitting image of Chris Carter (that is, homely-looking and big-headed) and whenever Gillian looks at her it reminds her of how she cheated on her fiance and got pregnant by her boss Chris. That is why to this day poor Piper is still being raised by Gillian's family in Vancouver, British Columbia and Gillian herself is half a world away enjoying the carefree single life in the U.K. where she's been seen many times jumping from bed to bed in the male side of the Royal family.
Gillian, stop being a spoiled pussy! Stop hiding out in England and come in here and do the interview. What, do I have to morph myself into lesbian Ellen Degeneris before you'll agree to come? You already know some of the questions I'll be asking you. I also want to know how you feel about your role in the sexy short story below. Make sure you read it nice and good, 'cuz there's gonna be a pop quiz!
The lines are now open.
Now THAT'S what I'm talkinbout !!!
Howard "King of All Media" Stern
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